The Gospel and Marriage

I Miss You

2012-01-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

When dear friends move away or when we lose loved ones our minds quickly fill with things we miss about them. Whether it's conversations, trips, smiles or trials we suddenly hold more dear those memories and don't want to loose them.

I miss my mother's voice. She has been gone almost three months now and I have been frantically searching my phone for a recorded message from her. I had erased most of them and realized on this earth I will never hear her live voice again.

I miss her.

What I so often took for granted is now gone. My heart and mind are filled with memories that are all the more precious. Mom was always in my world through childhood and adult life. When I now recall those memories I find great encouragement and gratitude to God for her life and love.

The Apostle Paul loved to remember. While in jail he wrote to the Philippian church and made some emotional statements of how he missed his fellow believers. "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you...God is my witness how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus." He missed what he had and hungered to have more fellowship with them.

Our marriages and families should be a place where memories are made. These photos in our mind are not just for holding onto when people leave us but are also to be a daily appreciation of what we have when we are together. Ideally, a marriage should be a place where you see how God has not only sustained you through each other but how he has blessed you with each other as well. Yes, life can be hard even with memories we would like to forget but the underlying mercy and love of God proves to be the best platform for memories. In a real sense Paul was saying to these believers he was separated from, "I miss you!" He missed their faces and conversations but he also wanted to remind them of what they learned, like, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

There is great power in shared memories in our marriages and one of the fruits of that union is a growing desire to be together to create more. It's not a shallow sentimentality but an honest realization of the need to be and grow together in life and in Jesus.

Imagine what it would look and feel like to have an awareness that is expressed in some form daily that says,

"I miss you."

Lessons of Life

2011-11-29T12:33:00.000-08:00

Life is one big classroom.

This can be especially true when it comes to the institution of marriage. Every season seems to bring unique challenges to learn something new. For example, you discovered early on in your "marital bliss" that you are not as unselfish as you thought. Some personal habits of your mate became personal conflicts and you had to learn what it meant to compromise.

Some lessons we have to learn over and over again. Like commitment or being true to your word. As a married couple you took vows. The essence of those vows is that you commit to learning and growing together. For many husbands, an ongoing lesson is that words are not enough. We can take our wives and their needs for granted. We need to learn to love them practically and creatively. For wives it might be the ongoing challenge to respect and submit. When a wife becomes too focused on what might be lacking in her husband it can hinder her ability to see the strengths he does bring.

When do we stop learning?

I'm in a lesson learning or relearning mood lately. My mom died a few weeks ago and it is still fresh in my mind and heart. Dad preceded her by about 12 years. They are both gone. Their earthly marriage is over. At the same time there is an elderly couple in our church and the husband is perhaps in his final weeks or months of life. What lessons have they learned that will carry them through this final season. They have been married over 50 years and I have had the privilege of watching them and listening to them. The have learned some precious lessons in life.

Two of the many lessons they have been teaching me is that life is precious and brief. They are working even harder now to make the most of the moments and days the Lord has left for them. She knows she will be saying goodbye so she wants to reaffirm those vows she took many years ago. "In sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, til death do us part." They have learned and relearned those vows over the years so they can rest in that love even now.

The other lesson that comes screaming through is their quiet confidence in Jesus. He indeed has been their foundation. In life and now in death they have learned that their hope is not primarily in their marital love but in the love of Christ. There is sorrow and fear but there is also faith.

They are learning anew what they learned many years ago. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me..." Psalm 23:4 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

May we be couples who learn the gospel. Over and Over again. And may others see that our ultimate hope is in the one who never changes, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

The Quiet Marriage

2011-10-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to be seen, heard and remembered.

That often takes the form of making your voice heard or picture seen in the market place. Just look at the social networks out there and all the information given. The friend base that we have can subtly be seen as our fan club and the need to keep ourselves in front of that network. Our identity can be more in who knows me "out there" and remembers me than who I live with every day.

Yes, we all need friends and people to encourage us but we can get so caught up in maintaining those relationships that we ignore the ones right in front of us. Just ask my wife! I love people and thrive on personal interaction. This can too easily make her feel that our relationship is not enough. There is something unique and God-ordained about the marriage relationship that should be different from all the rest. It can't simply be one of many wonderful connections in my network but must be a special connection that I don't have with anyone else.

The quiet marriage is the restful marriage. It's a place where I don't need to showcase or network myself or have my voice heard. It's a place where I can rest in the love of my spouse and give that same restful love in return. Ideally, because we know each other so well and know the Lord I can assume a love that is constant, forgiving and ever present. In the purist sense it is a place that I can't wait to come home to. A quiet refuge where less is more.

That kind of marriage can only come out of our marriage to Christ. His uniqueness in our lives will bring a unique love to our union with our spouse. A love that is "...patient and kind...does not envy or boast...is not arrogant or rude...does not insist on its own way....is not irritable or resentful...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13

Yes it takes hard work but for all the right reasons. Your marriage is not just another social arena but it is to be the place where the essence of the gospel is to be worked out and seen. May your quiet marriage be a place where the voice of Jesus is heard and the love of God seen.

Today and Tomorrow

2011-10-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

How does today affect my tomorrows?

Each day seems to have its own agenda. I can plan my day but what about the interruptions? We are called to make the most of our today's but what do we do when our today's make a mess of us?! Too often we end the day feeling like we have wasted it rather than used it well.

If you have too many days like that it can definitely effect your tomorrows. You start assuming things that actually hinder hope instead of renewing it. Call it stress, depression or disappointment it just makes it harder to try harder.

One of the fist places this is seen is in our relationships. It can be hard to give to those closest to us when we feel like the day has literally sucked the life out of us. A bad day at the office or a bad day at home can be a formula for a bad tomorrow in our marriage. Instead of seeing our marriage and home as a refuge it feels like another burden to bear. Granted, there can be some legitimate issues of the day that wear us down but the subtle and dangerous assumption is that my marriage is another arena of challenge rather than a mutual oasis.

The call of the Christian life is to bring the presence of Jesus to bear on every relationship in my life and especially in my marriage. I want to live my life "in Christ" before my spouse believing that Jesus really is with me and is in control. The problem is I can't do that tomorrow unless I have been practicing living in his presence today. To merely put up with life until I come home doesn't really prepare me for bringing Christ home.

Jesus' promise is that he is with every one of our today's and there is no better hope for our tomorrows than that guarantee. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27 Jesus' peaceful presence is not another pill to take when I need help but a rock solid presence to rest upon every minute of every day.

Work as hard at living in his presence today as you do in surviving each day and watch what he does with your tomorrows.

Who Are You?

2011-09-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

What I do determines who I am. Whether it's an engineer, a teacher, a doctor, a painter, a carpenter or even a minister. We often find our identity primarily in our functions.

A secondary place we find our identity is in our relationships. A son or a daughter, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a good friend and the list goes on. Where would we be if we didn't feel like we belonged to someone?

Yet in so many marriages today we limit our identity to our role and relationship with our husband or wife. We each need a special place of significance in our relationships. What happens when there is disappointment in one another? When a husband or wife does not live up to our expectations? There could be a silent war in the soul thinking I could be happier if he or she would only....

The constant battle in the Christian life is to look to something or someone else for my identity besides Jesus. That might seem like a "no brainer" to many of us professing followers of Jesus but I think the battle is deeper than we realize. It's not only deeper but it's daily. I am tempted every day to find myself in my world rather than in the gospel.

If it goes unchecked it will suck the life out of a marriage and even kill it. That's a pretty dramatic statement but I believe it's that serious. If you get in the habit of expecting your mate to meet your needs in a way that only Jesus can you will dry up and give up. Every day we are tempted to turn our eyes away from Christ. To find identity in what's in front of us rather than who has gone before us.

James, the earthly brother of Jesus, found his identity in Jesus not only as his brother but especially as his Lord. There was no earthly relationship that could compare. No one else was to be his life or Lord. James opened his letter with a bold statement of his identity. "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ..." He could have listed his many functions and relationships, including his brother Jesus but he wanted the world to know the relationship that transcended every other one.

Jesus as LORD.

Husband or wife - Who Are You? May today and everyday be one in which the Spirit of Jesus reminds you of who you really are. And may that identity be seen not only in your marriage but in every arena of your life.

Where Were You?

2011-09-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Where were you on September 11th 2001?

Virtually all of us can remember what has felt like our Pearl Harbor. To be attacked so violently and shockingly felt like the end of the world. Our "secure" country and world was now vulnerable and literally crumbling down beneath us. I was at Westminster Seminary in Philadelphia glued to the TV watching in disbelief with several students who were from New York city. There were tears, prayers and a day long mourning of what we were seeing unfold before our very eyes.

I'll never forget where I was.

Significant events often produce significant memories. They don't always have to be tragic ones either- graduations, weddings, the birth of a child. The photographs in our minds quickly recapture the feelings of those days. And not only the feelings but especially the people we shared those moments with. Friendships and relational bonds become all the more precious as the years go by. As relational beings God has designed us to go through life together. To share those joys and sorrows together.

One of the many blessings of marriage is to have your partner in all of life's experiences. To know that in every season of life I have a God-ordained husband/wife to share the journey with. To know that we will be able to look back on those momentous events in life and not have to ask, "Where were you?" Instead to know that he or she was there all along.

One of the strongest themes of the Bible is God's constant reminder to never forget. The history of God's love to his people is filled with very significant events. Whether it's crossing the Red Sea or watching the walls of Jericho come down, the Lord wanted them to remember where they were and who they were with. Even Jesus himself would tell his disciples to take common and ordinary elements of bread and wine and tell them to remember him - to never forget.

Yet one of the tragedies and limitations of life is that we can't always be with each other during some of those life-changing events. No matter how hard we try we just can't be there and that can be very disappointing. Yet one of the richest benefits of our marriage to Christ is the guarantee that he will always be there. Even the best marriage can never give us what we ultimately need. A forgiving love that can never be lost or taken away.

Only the love of Jesus is both the means and the end. A marriage built on his foundation will produce a life of memories and a legacy of his faithfulness. Cherish the years you have together and the vows you have made but don't ever forget the greatest promise ever made by God to his people and fulfilled in the death and resurrection of his Son, "I will never leave you nor forsake you.' Hebrews 13:5

The Blessing of Children or "From Cruise to Warp speed!"

2011-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

The blessing and presence of children in a marriage typically puts life in higher speed that only seems to accelerate with each passing year. Most married couples look forward with nervous anticipation to the day when God would bless them with children to nurture and disciple. To hold in our arms that gift of love and to play and grow with this life is one of the highest callings.

Yet at the same time one of our greatest fears is realized. We have less and less time for each other. The focus has somewhat shifted from us to our children. That is not necessarily bad but it can feel weird. We no longer have the luxury of sitting down and processing life with just the two of us. Someone in the other room is crying or calling us and suddenly we are making the first of innumerable life adjustments!

How do you maintain and grow your marriage with children around and not simply put it on hold? The pace of life picks up, the demands on time increase and we are just plain tired!

In God's providence could one of the reasons for children be that we actually appreciate each other more? Rather than taking each other for granted we become even more grateful for the times we have together. As I look back on life I am amazed at how much time I have wasted not only on myself but with my wife. I should have been more creative and thoughtful to make the most of those in between times.

A little bit can go a long way.

Yes, the presence of children sets you on a new trajectory for much of life but it doesn't mean you set aside the closeness you desire and need from your husband or wife. You can and should do two things at the same time.

As Christians our marriage to Christ has similar demands and challenges. Life is so demanding and so fast yet we are called to do two things at the same time. To "be in this world but not of it" and as Paul calls us daily to "Set you minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2

Let's renew our commitment to make the most of lesser moments we seem to have with our spouse and our Lord and watch how He blesses a lot with a little.

I Need Help

2011-07-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

That phrase can mean something as minor as drying the dishes or as major as an immediate crisis. We all need help. Sometimes that help will be more long term while for others it is immediate.

The blessing and challenge of the Christian life is that you are at the beckon call of others. You want to be there when needed but sometimes the challenge comes when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet those needs. Again, it can be as simple as assisting with a church supper or as difficult as a marital crisis.

Any good relationship is built on dependability. Will you be there when I need you? There is something powerful and freeing when I know that someone cares for me in the little things as well as the big. This is especially to be true in the Church, the body of Christ. There is such a thing as healthy dependency among Christians. We need each other and we rightfully bear each others burdens. I must not only be willing to help but to be helped as well.

There is no more beautiful picture of that kind of love than in a Christian marriage. A place where help is so readily given and received. Yes, we are messed up people and our sin and selfishness all too often get in the way. We use our needs for manipulation rather than growth. We should be helping each other to depend not primarily on what I can give but on what Jesus has given. A good marriage is a giving and receiving marriage. We give because he gave. We help because he has helped us. In his ultimate calling Jesus did what no one else could "help" him do. "The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

The more we understand the cross the better we will be as husbands and wives. It will become more second nature to help and be helped because of what he has done for us. Perhaps we have forgotten the depth of what Jesus actually did when he died. And when we do remember we truly become partners in life who love to help each other for all the right reasons.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped..." Psalm 28:7

Now go help your husband or wife.

Just Pray About It

2011-07-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

To pray is to depend. It is acknowledging the fact that I am not alone and should not handle life alone. God has designed us to be in relationship with him and thus always in touch with him through prayer.

"Just Pray About It" can be some of the best advice ever given or taken. The Christian life isn't always about finding answers but finding rest. Sometimes prayer is the last place we go when it should be the first. Embarrassingly we tend to treat it as a last resort we go to out of desperation.

It was second nature to Jesus. Whether it was feeding 5,000 or alone in a garden he wanted to be aware of his Father in heaven. He assumed God's loving presence in all he was and did which made it all the more natural. As followers of Jesus we all have that same privilege. The very Spirit of God lives in us as he does his Son.

As the Apostle Paul described some common qualities of believers in Jesus he listed this phrase as well, "...be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12, to just pray about something was not a shallow cliche but part of the very essence of being a follower of Christ. Because of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus we now have full and welcomed access to God's throne.

One obvious application of these thoughts for us who are married is simply this:

When was the last time you prayed for your marriage? Not only that but when was the last time you prayed together?

Could some of the challenges in our marriages be a result of a shallow view of prayer? We tend to live from crisis to crisis rather than faith to faith. Prayer then is that rarely used gift that we only pull off the shelf in times of emergency. Jesus had a mindset of prayer in all things. He prayed before - during and after things in his life.

I wish I did more of that early in my married life. But it's never too late!!

So let me give you the obvious advice if you want to have a God honoring and Christ centered marriage:

"Just Pray About It."

What A Blessing

2011-06-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

I recently had breakfast with some men and asked them to talk about the blessings of being married rather than the challenges. We too often start with the negative and try to figure out how to make the most of our difficulties. Sometimes it is better to start with what is good and to appreciate how God has blessed us with our wives.

There were four responses I thought were very insightful as to what it means to be married:

1. Being Known, This husband found great comfort in the knowledge that his wife knew him well. He could trust her with his struggles and knew she loved him still.

2. No More Dating!, The security of having a committed relationship took away the pressure of playing and pretending. He now has someone to be with in uniqueness for the rest of his life.

3. Never Alone, as God's creation we were designed to live in relationship with others. Marriage is one of those precious arenas where we can appreciate the Lord's observation, "it is not good for man to be alone."

4. Checks and Balances, This husband was quick to declare, "I've learned more about God through my wife than anywhere else!" He saw how God was using this relationship with his wife to grow him and sharpen him in every way.

It wouldn't be a stretch to say that this is what we find in our marriage to Christ. The main difference is that Jesus gives us what no spouse could ever give. Our marriages are to be more about Him and to reflect His love rather than what we get.

What does that mean or look like? Read Philippians 2:1-11 and see that Jesus' primary concern was not his needs or desires but the glory of his Father. The Apostle Paul put it succinctly in verse 5,"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus." Yes, thank God for the blessings of marriage but let those blessings lead you to a higher calling in your marriage to Christ and may that be seen in your lives today.

The Normal Christian Marriage

2011-06-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

With all the emphasis on vital marriages today it's easy to feel abnormal or even subnormal about our own marriage. Charismatic couples who are on the speaking circuit seem to have incredible intimacy and endurance. Even in our churches we look around and feel like everyone else is doing fine but us!

Why can't we be like them?!

It's good and important to be challenged in our relationships but too often the message can be to model others in personality and practice and you will live happily ever after! We start believing the normal christian marriage is more personality driven than Spirit driven. This doesn't always happen intentionally but subtly we start trying to be someone we are not.

We feel guilty and frustrated because the harder we try the more discouraged and even angry we become. Real change is hard to come by and too often we assume the best years are behind us. Our hope sadly becomes in now trying to survive rather than continuing to grow as a couple in Christ.

So what's the solution? Do we just, "Let go and let God?!" There is some truth to that phrase but it can also be empty. It's not just throwing your arms in the air and giving up and waiting on God to do something. It's more about owning the struggle of how God is at work in us. The problem is not primarily a personality flaw but a heart flaw. God is in the business of making us look more and more like Jesus and we have the privilege of doing that as partners in this life.

This should be the normal call for all of us, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1 The challenge of the normal Christian marriage is the same as the normal Christian life. Too often we take our eyes off Jesus and look to the world for our example and motivation rather than on him and his promises.

90 Years Of Life

2011-05-31T07:16:00.000-07:00

My Mom turned 90 this past weekend. She still has a sharp mind and reasonably good health for her age! She was surrounded by family and friends and was obviously enjoying the blessing of seeing her heritage. Children, grandchildren and 5 great children!

As she reflected on this milestone she would often say, "I never thought I would be this old one day!" The thought of outliving family and friends was not in her plan.

She has seen a lot and been through a lot.

Psalm 90 is an appropriate reflection by someone who also outlived many of his peers. Moses said many good things in this brief Psalm that are worth remembering, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations...For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past...So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."

So what does this have to do with our daily routine in marriage?

What would a marriage look like that had it's dwelling in the Lord from the beginning? It would look like a couple who increasingly valued each day and lived it as though it were the last. Not in a morbid fear but with gratitude. It would be a love that, "...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13:6

To number our days is to not take them for granted. Although we can't assume our tomorrows we can rest on the promises of God today. Promises like John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." or John 16:33, "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

My friends if you have trusted in Jesus and are living for Him let it be seen today in your marriage so when people talk about you when you are gone they will talk about a couple who had God as their dwelling place and numbered their days for Jesus' sake.

You Got It Wrong

2011-05-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

The world didn't come to an end after all. Harold Camping was so sure.

He got it wrong.

It has to hurt in more ways than one to be so sure of something you would even bet your life on it only to find out you were mistaken. It rocks your world and in this case ruins your reputation. Who would ever believe him again?

It is pretty amazing how we can get so consumed by ourselves and our take on things that we become blind to reality. We are SO sure of what we perceive that there is seemingly no room for correction. We work so hard building our airtight case that the views and advice of those closest to us are discarded because "they just don't get it."

The same dynamic happens in too many of our marriages. It's most clearly seen when it's too late. Statements like,"You never..." or "You always..." are simply another way of saying, "You Got It Wrong." Little things become huge barriers that make a case for each to give up learning and loving, instead we become focused on winning. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that my husband or wife will never understand me so we build our case on that premise.

One of the hard lessons that Bev and I learned early on in our marriage was that there were not as many issues in life worth going to the wall for as we thought. In other words, our petty differences were not the problem but our pride. We were more concerned about what divided us rather than who united us. By God's grace we learned to listen, love and forgive.

A verse that has become increasingly precious and practical to us is from
IPeter 4:8, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." Isn't that to be the hallmark of the followers of Christ? Those who are quick to forgive and to be more concerned about the other than themselves? Jesus wants us to always remember that because he died for us he took our wrongs and made them right. That's got to be more important than our obsession to be right.

To truly trust in Jesus and live daily for him is what is right. And won't it be an overwhelming blessing when we see him face to face after our struggles to hear him say "Welcome home - You Got It Right!"

Who's Leading Who?

2011-05-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

If we are honest much of our marital struggles are around leadership. Who makes the decisions and why? I think this and you think that. Now what do we do?

I remember a pastor friend describing a time he had with a couple who were having serious struggles in this area. The husband in particular was accusing the wife of not submitting to his authority and always challenging him. The pastor asked the couple a simple question, "Who is the head of this home?" to which the husband quickly replied, "I am!" He then asked the same question again and got the same response. After asking the question several times the pastor finally responded, "the head of this home is no other than Jesus."

As professing Christians they had obviously lost their own focus. Jesus is first and foremost the one who is to do the leading. His call and command is to follow. Not to question his integrity and wisdom but to submit to his call.

So what does that look like in our marriage? Does the husband lead in all things and the wife follow or are there other options?

Who's Leading Who?

The beauty of a Christian marriage is that it is not primarily about each other and who is doing what but rather about Christ and what he has done. A Christian counselor said about his counseling Christian marriages that if they would be as concerned about the honor of Christ as much as they were about their roles he would not see half the couples he sees.

Our marriage to Christ is far more important than our earthly marriage and Jesus makes it clear what he asks for, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:27

When was the last time you asked Jesus, "What do you want me to do today as a husband or wife?" Yes, the confusion is real and the struggles legitimate at times but what is the filter that determines my reaction and commitment?

Keep talking to each other about how to make those decisions and to trust each other in the process. Just be sure to remember that the ultimate question is not "Who's Leading Who?" but:

"Who's Leading You?"

How's Your Credit?

2011-04-27T06:56:00.000-07:00

We recently made a major purchase and it was really encouraging when the salesman told us, "you have excellent credit." He was basically saying that over the years we had managed our fiances well. We paid our bills on time and had a consistent reputation of reliability when it came to managing our finances.

I wish I could take the credit but anyone who knows me knows it is my wife who keeps our financial reputation solid. She has been good at making sure we don't live beyond our means and yet keep up with our promises.

What's that got to do with marriage?

What if there were people like financial examiners who could analyze the credibility of our marriage? What would be the criteria for determining if we had a good "credit score" when it came to our relationship? Many of us work hard to be consistent when it comes to managing our finances but how does that apply to the efforts (or lack thereof) when it comes to working on this relationship that God has given us?

In many ways it's easier to manage our finances than our marriages. Money doesn't talk back! To build credibility within our relationship you have to take personal time to listen, learn and forgive. The more we invest the greater the return. If I know my husband or wife doesn't want to just take the relationship for granted but to always be building and growing it makes me want to give more.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13:7

Just as we would never advise someone to wait until a financial crisis to begin managing their money we who profess Christ should not wait until we have trouble in our marriages. We should be working every day to keep short accounts and to build credibility into our marriages. The more credibility we have the more endurance.

Wouldn't it be exciting to hear someone say about our marriage as well as our finances, "You have excellent credit rating!"

What Did You Expect?

2011-04-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

We all start out with expectations when we first get married. Some of those are spoken ahead of time while others get unmentioned. Everything seems to go along fine until one of those unknown expectations does not get met.

"How come you never call when you know you will be late?" or "I just don't feel like talking about my day when I come home."

The list can go on but the surprises can also mount up. It can even make you feel you don't really know each other if there are SO many different expectations. Is marriage just one new discovery after another of things you didn't know about each other?

Yes.

That's not always bad. Marriage is also an opportunity to get to know each other better in each season of life. No one is ever fully prepared for the surprises in marriage but that is also part of the underlying expectation in our vows. I am committed as a husband or wife to get to know my souse better in every way. It's a lifelong learning experience. I want to know what my spouse expects physically, spiritually, emotionally and in every other way.

The problem is that we are both messed up people. We are not as objective and sincere as we might seem. We really want our expectations met. A favorite book of mine on marriage says it all in the title, When Sinners Say I Do.The default is too often more of what I'm not getting from the relationship rather than how I can get to know my souse better and love him or her more deeply.

Once again there is a clear parallel to our marriage to Christ. We are not trying to avoid surprises in our relationship with Jesus but to grow in our knowledge and love of him. "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made know to you." John 15:15

No surprises but opportunities to get to know each other better. To be one with Jesus as He is one with His Father.

Shouldn't our marriages be something like that? May the world see you two becoming more and more one in every season of life and may you look more and more like Jesus.

It's Totaled

2011-03-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

I was in my first significant accident. My car was totaled.

I saw it coming and knew there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. The impact was frightening but thanks be to God we both walked away. But we both lost something at that moment. I really liked my car. Seeing the condition it was in made me sad but seeing the condition that both of us as drivers were in put it all in perspective.

Accidents happen.

The mystery of life is that "accidents" happen on a daily basis. These collisions can have a great impact on us and not just physically. It doesn't have to be between cars. It happens between people. Bad news about health, job, children, the world...

The daily challenges in our marriages can seem like serious collisions as well. A misunderstanding. A financial crisis. A decision made without consulting our spouse. The impact is painful and frightening. "Why didn't you look where you were going?!" The mess is obvious and the solution is not. The temptation is to declare all too quickly, "It's Totaled."

Not too many people in life, let alone marriage, go around looking to cause accidents. We think our intentions are good but can't always see the impact it is about to have. How do we walk away still together when we have been impacted by something? We have to asses the damage and then move on. We see and feel the pain but we also forgive and strive to pay more attention.

The woman who caused my accident and made my car be totaled was clearly frightened and undone. She kept pleading with tears saying she was sorry. I had to continue to assure her that I did indeed forgive her and that he Lord was truly gracious to us. We both still had our lives and family.

What about you? How do you process those "accidents" in your marriage? Do you harbor bitterness and pain and stay at the accident scene? Jesus calls us to not only seek forgiveness but to forgive. "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." I Peter 4:8 Granted, that attitude isn't always easy but it is always necessary.

Japan

2011-03-15T08:23:00.003-07:00

Is this real? Can this actually be happening? It looks and feels like a movie instead of reality.

Once again an overwhelming tragedy is happening right before our very eyes. A nation was going about the routine of life and within moments it would be forever changed. What was is no more. The past is gone and there is no future. No hope. Only destruction and despair.

The power of God's creation is beautiful and frightening. The oceans can literally engulf and swallow peoples and nations.

Lord have mercy.

What can I hold on to today that I might loose tomorrow? Even the good blessings God gives can be lost. My home, my job, my wife, my children. What can I cling to in the midst of a tsunami or nuclear meltdown? Honestly... where is my hope in the midst of despair?

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

What holds your life and your marriage together today? If it is anything you can see or hold in your hands - brace yourself - you will loose it. Whether today or tomorrow. The deeper question is who is holding you today and tomorrow? As Christians our hope is in the Lord and specifically in Jesus, our risen King. And because of that hope "nothing can separate us from him."

I want my marriage to be built on what I can never loose. I want my children to grow in that eternal hope in Jesus. I want the world to see that our marriage, our lives can be built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. This world is so filled with tragedy and disappointment. In God's providence it is time once again to examine my own heart and marriage. Who or what am I living for? What can I hold that I cannot loose?

May God sober our hearts today as we pray for the nation of Japan. May our marriages be more about Jesus today than our tomorrows. May His mercy be even more precious.

Lord have mercy.

Will You Marry Me?

2011-03-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

What was I thinking?!

Who is able to make that kind of a commitment? To vow to give yourself to another - until you die. To promise that noting will ever stop not only my commitment but my love. As a future husband asking that question I am asking my wife to be to entrust her life to me. I am telling her she can trust herself to me body and soul. I will do only that which builds her up. Her fears of the future can be put to rest because, "in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health" I will always be there for her.

What was I thinking?!

I want to believe I can be that kind of husband but in my heart of hearts I also know I'm selfish and insecure. There is this hidden and submerged fear that I might let her down. I might not be able to keep my vows. Good intentions don't always guarantee good results.

As Christians who believe the Bible we know there is only one who can keep that kind of commitment. Jesus has not only made that promise but has kept that promise. And he has kept that promise for people who initially didn't want to me married to him!

What was He thinking?!

His unconditional love was so strong he was able to fully take on our sorrow, our sickness and especially our sin of unbelief in a way no husband or wife ever could. His marriage to us would prove to be the only basis of hope for any earthly marriage. "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin..."
2 Corinthians 5:21

I want my wife to know that my promise to love her can only be done in the power and presence of Jesus who first loved me. I want her to know that I care deeply for her but there is a deeper love that I have which is anchored in the love of Christ. The more I know his love the more I will be that love for her.

You know what makes this all so compelling? Not that she said yes (which I'm glad she did!!) but that she feels the same way!

If I Had It To Do Over Again

2011-02-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

You don't.

Everybody would say they would be better off. "If I knew then what I know now..."

In a real sense no one ever gets a second chance. We have only one life to live. We may get second or third "opportunities" but only one life. Many of us live with regrets of our past that seem to choke our ability to live life today or even be hopeful for tomorrow. Everything we go through is another chapter in the growth of our life. They are all connected.

As Christians we believe that nothing in life is "coincidental." All things are part of God's mysterious plan for this world and for our lives in particular. He is not in the business of second chances but in giving new life. His desire is to bring new life through his Son and to make us look more like Jesus.

This is especially true in our marriages. Sure, we could be better husbands or wives if we had it to do over again.

We don't.

The primary purpose of our marriages is not to finally get it right but to look more and more like Jesus. Every season of our lives is another opportunity to grow more in the grace and knowledge of Christ. That happens on a daily basis. The past has it's regrets and the future it's unknowns but today we have all we need to honor Christ. To build a stronger foundation of life and love which will give us greater confidence.

The beauty comes in knowing that God has been working all along in every season of lour lives - whether we have seen it or not. Because of the death and resurrection of his Son we can be confident and have true hope for the future.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

Look again at what he has done and press on not so much to start over but to carry on that work he has begun in you and will complete.

Seasons

2011-02-14T08:17:00.000-08:00

Here comes spring!

It's been a long winter and any signs of spring are warmly welcomed. I do like some parts of the winter season. The beauty of a snow covered tree. A crisp starry filled night and all that the Christmas time brings are unique to the winter season.

But...after awhile I find myself yearning for a new season. Signs of new life and warmth to replace the chill and lifeless feelings. Each season has those unique attractions but change can be good.

Our marriages take on a similar image. We go through seasons of change. Those early years are filled with enthusiasm and idealism. A perpetual honeymoon. But then you yearn for more than just having fun but to grow in mutual faith and partnership in life. Children may come, jobs may change and your lives take on a new dimension. Change is not always bad and in God's providence it is all part of his sanctifying work in our lives. Our confidence should not be in our surroundings but in the God who surrounds us. To know that no matter what the season or change he is still unchanging and is still working.

If you have the privilege of knowing a couple who are married at least 50 years and love Jesus, ask them about being married in those seasons of life and change. Listen to them. Hear more than practical advice but hear the love that has actually grown and become more the foundation of life. The more they live the more they want to grow.

Should that not be our heart's cry as Christians? The more we grow in our seasons of life with Jesus the more we want to be with him. Jesus wants us to be increasingly excited about our partners in life and grow in that love but he also wants us to be even more excited about our "marriage"to him.

Our spouse will not always be with us but Jesus will.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

He truly is the one constant in every season. The more we are grounded in him the more we will be like him. The more things around us may change the more there will be something that stays the same. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8

Think about it. The more we are grounded in the changeless love of Jesus the more we will grow in every season of change. May you be one of those couples married 50 years who not only talk about it but truly show the love of Jesus.

Remember Me

2011-01-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

Whether it's a birthday card or a phone call it's nice to be remembered.

Just to know that somebody likes to think about you and appreciates you is a great encouragement t the soul. In a world that is crowded yet lonely a gentle reminder that someone is thinking about you can literally change your day and your life. Some of us need it more than others but there is something healthy and biblical about taking time to remember one another. "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you..." Philippians 1:3

The implications are pretty clear and important when it comes to marriage. When we say goodbye to one another in the morning and go off to our daily tasks and responsibilities isn't it reassuring to know that we will remember each other throughout the day. To know without asking that I will think about and with gratitude remember my spouse. I don't mean some sentimental obligation but a genuine and intentional reminder that my husband or wife is a blessing form God. In addition to remember their particular burdens and to pray for them by name. I can be involved in my wife's world even though we are apart and I want her to know that.

In many ways that is the heart of the Gospel. We as Christians should be a people who love to remember. First and foremost we should love to remember Jesus. A daily reminder of his love for us and his call to honor him should be part of our daily DNA. In turn, that love is reflected in how we remember one another. In a world that is not our home we must remember and remind one another of our first love. Just knowing that my brothers and sisters in Christ are remembering me today is a true gift of the Holy Spirit.

Our marriages should be a picture of that love.

Jesus himself set the example and the priority at the Last Supper when he held the elements before his disciples and told them simply, "Remember Me." Whenever you partake of this super, truly remember who I am and what I have done for you.

Today, let's not forget to remember. May the heart cry of our Savior be the theme of our lives and our marriages.

REMEMBER ME.

I Stand Corrected

2011-01-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

I hate being corrected.

Why does it have to hurt so much? And especially coming from my spouse?!

It doesn't have to be some big confrontation but even the little things can hurt a lot. If I'm honest too often the pain feels deep because my pride is deeper than I'd like to admit. I don't want to believe I still need ongoing correction. I want to believe that at my age I have somehow "arrived" and don't need the ongoing medicine of correction.

I wonder if we spend more time trying to avoid correction in our marriages than welcoming it? I would rather question my spouse's motives and deflect the pain rather than think there is something legitimate I need to hear and deal with. Yes, both of us are messed up and don't always speak the truth in love but if I really believed my husband or wife was an instrument of God's sanctifying love in my life I must look beyond that and welcome the correction in Jesus' name.

The bigger issue here is not my spouse but my God.

The ultimate purpose not only in our marriages but in all of life is that we would become more and more conformed to the image of Christ. That can't happen without correction. God's commitment is that He will do whatever it takes to bring about that refining love in His children. "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, or be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves..." Hebrews 12:5,6 We can question everyone else's motives but when it comes to our God there is only one motive He has when correcting His children - LOVE.

That might be hard to remember in this selfish world but if it is true that He is doing the same thing in my partner's life than I have the privilege of sharing in that together. Your primary role in your marriage is not to be the corrector or even the encourager but to be more and more like Jesus in their presence. You live for Him who died for you.

May you find joy even in the Lord's correction and may you even enjoy saying, "I Stand Corrected."

Goodbye 2010

2011-01-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

A new decade.

What will the next ten years look like? In my younger years I was regularly counseled to have a five year plan. What do you want to accomplish in the next few years? To not plan for anything is to not achieve anything.

Plans are good and even necessary but not if they blind you to what's in front of you. "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9 The paradox is that we can work so hard at where we want to be that we loose sight of where we are today. We really have no guarantees for our tomorrows but we do have have God's promises for today.

How should that affect our marriages for this coming year? As we say goodbye to 2010 what do we want to say hello to this coming year? I don't think you can do better than a renewed desire to seek the Lord together. I don't think there is as better verse for marriage than the Psalmist's call in Psalm 34:3 "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!"

All the dreams and commitments for this coming year, this coming decade and for the rest of our lives has to start today. What if today were your last day? How would you want to live out this day? The bible is clear as to what God's will is for each day, "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

The new year is already upon us. Let's plan now to make the most of the days He gives us in this coming year. Let's make our marriages more than comfortable and trouble free but instead let's be hungry to live each day for and in Jesus.

Resolve not to wait for tomorrow but begin today. Lord willing, may this be a year as never before in your desire to make the most of your tomorrows as you rest in Him today.

Would You Remind Me Again?

2010-11-29T08:06:00.000-08:00

How many times has your spouse forgotten to do something you asked them to do? Whether it was picking up something from the store or making that phone call. You thought it was a done deal but come to find out they never remembered.

Some things we can sort of let slide by but when it comes to important things like anniversaries or birthdays or special needs that are forgotten - it hurts. What hurts even more is when that spouse comes back a day after promising to remember and says, "Would you remind me again of what we talked about? They have a general recall but can't seem to remember the details. There might be some legitimate reasons but it still can feel discouraging.

Yet there can be some times when the pleas to help someone remember can be a good thing. Like the son who called his father after having a hard day simply said, "Dad, you don't have to give me a talk or sermon, would you just remind me that life is really about Jesus?" He wanted to be reminded of some things he forgot. Like the fact that God still loved him and was still in control.

What would a marriage be like if the two who loved Jesus were asking each other on a regular basis, "Would you remind me again?" when it came to the things of God? The motive would not be laziness but humility. Knowing how prone we are to forget the Lord is actually a sign of maturity to ask to be reminded. The Apostle Peter was really working off that assumption when he told fellow believers, "I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder." I Peter 1:13 What better thing in life to be reminded of then the love of Jesus? I can forget a lot of things but I really don't want to stop being reminded of my first love. And what better way to build a marriage than on the love of Christ and the privilege of encouraging each other to remember Him.

As a Christian what do you want to remember today that you know is true about Jesus that you too easily forget? Now, go ask your husband or wife that same question!

What Is It About Driving?

2010-11-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

One minute you are driving along in great harmony and the next you are arguing over how to get from point A to point B! We become so quickly frustrated by the others' way of driving it turns into a personal attack on our character. Is it a control issue? Do we in the passenger seat see things better than the driver? Does the driver have full authority over the vehicle and thus should not be questioned?

An emotional button gets pushed that brings out all kinds of "junk." We start saying things that really have nothing to do with driving. We are suddenly arguing about the deficiencies we see in each other. The platform of driving becomes an excuse to bring out all the dirty laundry we have been collecting. Any psychologist would have some ripe fruit to pick from in discussing our relationship!

So what does the gospel have to do with that moment in my marriage and driving? EVERYTHING.

It's a biblical fact that these are actually God ordained moments to see the relevancy of Christ. They are designed to give you what you want most as a Christian - that the things of Jesus would be more second nature in how I live before the world but especially my spouse. "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel." James 4:1,2

I don't want to be so effected by things outside of me that I actually bring shame to the Savour who lives in me. One way to prevent that from happening is to literally and figuratively "pull over." To ask for forgiveness and to ask the Holy Spirit to give you eyes to see what's really going on in the car.

You can take turns driving but you should never take turns striving to keep your eyes on Jesus.

Hide and Seek

2010-11-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

As children we can become pretty good at this game. It's fun to hide and even more fun to surprise our siblings. It's amazing how creative some kids can be so that even the parents can't find them!

The problem for many young people and adults is that this game takes on new meaning that is not fun. We spend much of our life hiding and not because of the thrill but the fear of being found. The childish innocence has been replaced by betrayal and hurt. Scars and wounds that never seem to heal. Pains that seem better to deny than to face or relive again.

Then we get married.

We desperately want that intimacy and trust that allows us to be found. To not have to hide anymore. Not only that but to know that there is someone who will always be seeking us for all the right reasons. A healthy marriage is a safe place. A place to hide not from each other but from the world. A spouse that knows me so well that even when I try to hide they will always find me. A love that is not only haunting but comforting. A love that won't let me go.

"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?" Psalm 139:7 There is a deeper love that we need even more than the closest spouse. There is a place to hide that is safer than the safest marriage. God is a jealous God and wants us to run to him even more. We will never have to hide from him but he wants us to be "hidden" with him. "For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

If you as a husband or wife can truly be hidden with Christ you will be free to love with that same love. You will constantly be seeking you partner for all the right reasons. You might even get more competitive not to hide but to seek. To seek the best in each other for Jesus' sake and to be a picture of a love that truly sets you free.

My you never stop finding each other and may you never stop seeking Jesus.

A Joyful Struggle

2010-10-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

At the heart of marriage is joy, peace and love. Yet it is also surrounded by struggle. We live in a world that is effected by sin in every way. Wherever you look there are evidences of what sin does to God's creation.

We also live in bodies that are bearing the effects of sin. As Christians we have hearts that are changed and now are places of residence for the very Spirit of Jesus. Yet all around us is the struggle of sin that still resides. "So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand." Romans 7:21

Why is it that so many of us have such trouble living in this tension of a "joyful struggle?" Could it be that we all too quickly look at the struggle and ignore the stability we have at the core? What holds a marriage together is not the happiness of the moment but the commitment and vows made at the beginning. The knowledge that at the core my husband or wife will never leave or stop loving can actually bring a freedom. A freedom to struggle more realistically and maturely - not selfishly.

In the same way look at how many of us as Christians live in that joyful struggle of life in Christ. When trials come and disappointment surrounds us we all too quickly have an identity crisis. My identity is now what surrounds me not who is within me. We can feel as though God has left us or his commitment was not as sure as we thought. There is no joy but only struggle.

Yet when we pause to cry out he is faithful to answer and remind us of his love. "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." Psalm 119:50 Jesus' love, at the core, is permanent, forgiving, pursuing, and unconditional. Struggles will come and go but his love is unbelievably unchangeable.

What a marriage commitment our Savour has to his bride! May our marriages be based on that love and in turn, reflect that love.

Take A Picture

2010-10-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Pictures have a way of capturing the moment. Graduations. Vacations. Wedding days. Baby's first steps. Moments in life you don't ever want to forget are sealed in an instant.

There are moments in life we would rather forget but there are also those cherished memories we never want to loose. When you look through that photo album it's amazing how many feelings as well as details come rushing back into your heart and mind. Things you thought you forgot are now fresh on your mind. You can relive the story as though it just happened.

Our marriages are also filled with special memories. Many of them are in pictures hidden away in some closet collecting dust. But who has time to just sit and remember?! There are SO many other things to do with our time than to stop and reminisce.

True, but when was the last time you both looked at what a shared picture meant in your lives? Recalling the details you start remembering things that bring fond memories of the event. You end up talking about more than the picture but rather what made it so important to remember. It's amazing how taking time to recall a common experience can actually renew your desire to take more pictures in life.

This same issue is true in our Christan walk. There are pictures in our lives of what Jesus has done that we have sealed in our hearts. Too often they are tucked away and almost forgotten. It's a biblical practice to remember and it is dangerous to forget. Even the Apostle Peter suggests the reason so many of us aren't growing as we should. We forget to remember. "For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins." 2 Peter 1:9 We forget to look at the picture. The picture of our dying Savior who gave his life so we might live.

I don't want to ever forget that.

Be grateful for those picture moments in your marriage that you should take time to remember. But be even more grateful for the eternal picture of the love of Christ that will never fade and we should never tire of remembering.

Never Say Never

2010-10-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

Good motivational speeches challenge us to "Never give up" or "Never stop trying." Yet when it comes to marriage we should be careful how we use that word.

How many times have you said or heard in your marriage discussions a sentence beginning with, "You never..."

Those absolute statements seem to trigger an immediate reaction of frustration. It can feel like you are an absolute failure. To be told you never listen, care, or try to understand seems to go to the heart of our pride. The discussion quickly erodes into a point-counter point argument. We no longer are listening but now are more concerned about defending ourselves.

The problem is that there often is some nugget of truth in those absolute statements. We are not as kind and thoughtful as we think. We can take each other for granted and excuse our laziness or sin. It can expose the fact that we don't really want to grow or change as much as we think. It hurts to change sometimes and some of that pain comes when we are told there is a level of hypocrisy in our lives.

Christian marriages should ideally be a place where healthy and mature sanctification occurs. Where you receive criticism and concern in the right spirit. And where you also give that loving rebuke in the Spirit of Christ. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." Proverbs 27:6 We are called to speak the truth in love and to receive it in love as well.

Never stop loving.

Never stop listening.

Never stop growing.

Never stop wondering whether I should start that sentence with "You never..."

What Kind of Mood Are You In?

2010-09-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Mood: "A particular state of mind or feeling; humor, or temper"

"I'm in a bad mood so it's probably best not to talk to me." or "Man, I'm in a great mood, let's go have some fun!"

How many times is your life and your marriage affected by your mood?

Some of us are more expressive than others but we are all affected by things around us and within us. Unmet expectations or unexpected interruptions can wreak havoc on our mood. Our mood can be pretty clear when we walk through the door or when we sit down at the dinner table.

Too often I fear we build our marriages on the moods we are in rather than the unchanging foundation of the gospel. A good mood doesn't guarantee a good marriage. Nor does a bad mood equal a bad relationship. These actually can be teaching moments where a husband or wife can share issues that have personally effected them and bear them together.

I've seen many spouses, (especially wives) "walking on eggshells" waiting to find out the mood of their husband or wife for fear of making things worse. The way we handle it can actually isolate us more than unite us. We are almost saying, "It's my mood therefore it's my problem."

That might work in other spheres of life but not in a Christian marriage.

We need each other to process the things that effect us, good and bad. A Christian marriage is a partnership, "in joy and in sorrow" where we don't deal with life alone. It's to be a picture of the work of Christ to his people. The finished work of Jesus is the only foundation that will NEVER be effect by mood or circumstances.

"What can separate us from the love of Christ?" Jesus did not let his mood determine his faith but instead held fast to the promises of his Father. Paul's call to us in Romans is not to find hope in our mood but in the work of the risen King.

Think about that more than 30 seconds and it will REALLY put you in a good mood!

Perspective

2010-09-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

Within a 48 hour time span I conducted a wedding and a funeral.

A young couple starting out with excitement and anticipation and a young life that was snuffed out in an instant.

Everybody has a perspective. It's how we process life and the things we deal with each day. The small things as well as the life changing issues. How many times have you heard it said, "You never know what each day will bring."

If you are like me we tend to take things for granted. Like another day of life. I don't want to sound morbid or promote an unhealthy anxiety about life but I fear we don't have a healthy enough fear of God. Each day really is a gift from him and we should have a perspective that effects how we live each day.

How does or should that effect my marriage? Am I taking for granted another day of life with my spouse and even taking for granted their faithfulness to me? You don't have to wait till you are at death's door to appreciate your partner.

It's all in your perspective.

How is this for perspective? "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..." Jesus was saying there is no more important perspective than God's kingdom. When I look at everything through his eyes it should put everything in perspective. My life, my wife, my job, my children...all are from him and for him. How I think about and respond to these things and these people is a direct reflection on what controls my heart.

A biblical perspective is one that prepares for each day. We don't primarily wait for life to happen and then respond. This short life we have here on earth is really preparation for the eternal life we will have with Christ and his people. How is my preparation each day for my marriage a reflection of my preparation for that eternal marriage?

It's all in your perspective.

Excellent Roommates

2010-08-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a marriage can feel like we are co existing rather than growing.

For a growing number of couples it is better to be roommates than married. To them it seems the institution of marriage can actually hinder rather than inspire growth. That might be something down the road but it's not necessary to do the formal, "socially acceptable" way of living together.

It's just easier.

What a sad commentary on marriage! It's as if the institution is the problem that gets in the way of a good relationship. It is seen as a restrictive way to live together rather than providing freedom. Where do they get this idea?

I'm afraid if we are honest it comes too often from those of us who are married. We can give the impression to others that we are Excellent Roommates rather than partners in life. You have your world and I have mine and we can take it or leave it. If it hinders my happiness than there is a serious problem. In many ways marriage is the most challenging of relationships. 24/7. You make vows to make it work, to never give up, to not stop caring. That's all well and good when we get along and I'm happy but....

In many ways marriage is also the most rewarding of relationships. It forces me to deal with my own shortcomings and to have to care about someone more than myself. I might not want that but I know in my heart I need it.

As a Christian I have a unique focus that the world can not understand. I care about my spouse more than myself not because of some archaic institution but because of the love of Christ. He cared about me more than himself not to be an excellent roommate but to be one in every way.

Christian, if you are married you know in your heart of hearts it is not primarily about you. Your marriage is to be the context where the love of Jesus is worked out and seen more and more. Even Paul when he wrote his instructions on marriage was careful to bring it all back to THE focus, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:32

Be more than great roommates but be a great picture of the gospel that is based on and lives out of his love.

Surpirse!

2010-08-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

Surprises can be fun. Bev and I surprised our daughter recently by showing up unannounced on her birthday. Her face, smile and tears made the 8 hour trip more than worthwhile!

Surprises can be unnerving. Like when the young husband thought it would be fun to jump out from behind a door and surprise his wife. The bruises on his body will prove to be a good reminder that he might want to try something else!

The most pleasant surprises are often the little, unexpected things.

A card or note sent not because of a special occasion but just to surprise your spouse with love. A surprise romantic dinner with all the arrangements made ahead of time. Just doing something you were not asked to do that you know would be a grateful surprise.

The sad and subtle path of many marriages is that they seem to loose that surprise element of their relationship. Each spouse seems to be increasingly consumed with legitimate responsibilities that make it difficult. It almost feels childish to play the surprise game when there are so many adult things going on!

What a difference a surprise can make!

Is this not similar to our marriage to Christ? The element of surprise was an almost daily blessing in the beginning. Jesus was pursuing us with that creative love to find new and surprising ways to show us his love was real and always present.

So what happened?

It's what happens in so many of our marriages. We tend to take each other for granted. We presume on their creative love and not surprise them with ours.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." I John 4:7

Let's get back to our first love and be renewed and surprised that we might surprise our husband or wife with the surprising love of Christ.

That Was Easy

2010-08-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

Does my marriage have to be messed up to be good?

So much of what is written regarding marriages is in response to the endless problems that seem to plague them. Whether it's adultery or a breakdown in communication or kids, you could get the impression that everyone is on the verge of some kind of catastrophe.

Is there something wrong if there are no big wrongs to deal with?

The statistics bear out the fact that almost half the marriages are in trouble. But what about he rest? What do we say to those who are doing well?

Too often we don't say anything. We don't encourage and affirm the good things we see and how they are growing together in life and love. Especially as professing Christians who are endeavoring to take the gospel seriously in their lives. They need to be thanked and affirmed in their faithfulness. They are a picture of what many of us want to pursue in our own marriages.

They in turn are an important catalyst in the hands of the Holy Spirit to spur us on. There is something that "rubs off" when we are around people who are trying to take Jesus more seriously in their marriages.

But here is a personal challenge to those who are doing well:
DON'T KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES!

The Bible clearly calls those of us who have been blessed to be a blessing. To paraphrase Jesus in Luke 12:48, "To whom much is given much is expected in return." If God has blessed you with faithfulness in your marriage and love then give it back to the body of Christ!

You have more to give than you realize. Go out to dinner with another couple. You don't have to do some big public teaching just be an object lesson for us. We need to see the joy of your love for each other and for Jesus. Don't let us put you up on a pedestal, just hang around us more often.

In a world that is so complicated we need a simple focus. We need to see that IN CHRIST it's easier than doing it ourselves.

May God make us couples who have increased confidence in Christ and may your church be filled increasingly with couples who are doing well for all the right reasons.

Here Comes The Bride

2010-07-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

I love weddings.

They really are a beautiful picture of the gospel. A radiant bride being ushered in and presented to her husband. A nervous excitement and anticipation of formally and publicly committing themselves together.

As a minister I especially enjoy leading them in their vows and then presenting them as husband and wife. That sealing moment in the ceremony when they are officially married. It's the culmination of everything they have dreamed of and yet it's just the beginning!

Though their circumstances and experiences will change the commitment they make to one another should never change - only deepen. Ask any couple who has been married for several years and they will confirm the fact that there were things that happened in their marriage they never anticipated. What made them grow through those changes was their mutual commitment not only to each other but to God.

Marriage is and should always be a growing picture of the Christian life. It starts with that initial commitment to Christ and grows through the seasons of life. Yet it is always based on that first commitment to honor Jesus no matter what.

The Apostle Paul was always calling us back to the foundation of our faith. "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him."
Colossians 2:6

All of our commitments in life should be seen through the filter of our initial commitment to Christ. This is especially true in our marriages. They must reflect Jesus. The primary reason to work hard in our marriages is to be a part of that greater marriage bride that is presented to Christ when He comes again.

Picture this, Christ waiting at the end of the isle seeing us, his bride, coming to him - loved by him and all the angels of heaven singing with great joy something like this:

"Here Comes The Bride!!!!!!"

Preoccupation

2010-07-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

"Did you hear what I just said? I feel like you are not here with me!"

The response is often, "Sorry I was thinking about something else. I wasn't trying to ignore you."

That works once in awhile but it can be a little unnerving!

In a world where there seems to be an endless pit filled with things to think about it is hard not to feel overwhelmed. It is also difficult not to feel guilty when the husband or wife feels neglected because you are somewhere else even when you are right in front of them!!

The details of what you have to deal with each day would fill a notebook. Whether it's shopping or schedule responsibilities or demands at work our minds are always engaging in something. And it doesn't stop there. Many issues are unresolved or more additions have complicated an already complicated mind.

Some of us are more wired to be preoccupied than others.It could be a burden you are bearing for another person or a challenge at work that you need to resolve. It's hard to let go and you almost feel irresponsible if you don't get it taken care of before you sleep. The problem comes when we become so preoccupied that we fail to see what is right in front of us. Your husband or wife needs to know you are preoccupied with them as well.

It might be as simple as sharing what it is that is weighing on your heart. Follow that up with a simple prayer for that person or issue and it can bring a refreshing freedom at that moment to be more occupied with each other.

The Apostle Peter saw this dilemma in our relationship with Christ as well. When we become so preoccupied with our own life and efforts we become oblivious to what is right in front of us. We often do not grow as we should because we are preoccupied. "For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins." 2 Peter 1:9

In other words we have forgotten the cross. Don't be so preoccupied with life today that you neglect not only your spouse but you also forget your savior.

It's Worth It

2010-07-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

Most couples that divorce give up too soon.

That's a bold statement but like many of us in this culture endurance and commitment are more conditional than we would like to admit. We are quick to justify our attitudes and actions but slower still to own our own sin at times.

A marriage counselor makes this observation, "And in this age of fast and easy gratification giving things time is becoming a lost art. This is particularly true when it comes to love." We are more easily frustrated and disappointed than we should be. That does not mean there are not times and seasons of hurt, pain and fear. Yet the call of the gospel in our marriages at those times is to grow stronger in our trust and relationship with Christ. When we don't get what we need from our spouse it is not the time to leave physically or emotionally.

Being forced to work through your pain and disappointment can actually make you stronger and more in love than before. That's hard to do when the "escape clause" is always in the back of your mind. When I don't feel like I'm getting what I need at that moment I start justifying attitudes and actions that in reality don't honor but shame Christ.

I think many of us as professing Christians give up on the Lord too soon. Many of those times when we seem to hit the wall in our marriages I believe are more about our sanctification than our happiness. Those are the times when God in his sovereign wisdom is actually manifesting his jealous love.

Jesus is not in the business of competing for our love. He's in the business of being our love.

If we were as obsessed with the honor of Jesus in our lives as we are with being understood and loved in our marriages would that make a difference? I am not making light of some of the pain many of us face but I am lovingly challenging the focus.

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:38,39

What does that have to do with marriage? Don't give up until you figure it out.

It's Worth It.

Our Little Secret

2010-07-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

A secret is, "something kept from public knowledge or from the knowledge of certain persons."

Shared secrets can be fun in your marriage. Like nicknames or embarrassing moments that no one else needs to know! We can laugh at these and feel like we have that trusting relationship with each other that makes us feel even closer.

Our little secrets can also be some pretty serious challenges we are bearing for each other. There can be some unique pains physically, relationally or spiritually that we need to bear privately with each other. In God's providence it actually becomes a means for us to grow together in Christ. To know my husband or wife is lovingly bearing my painful secret and praying for me actually gives me courage to want to trust Jesus more.

The down side of all this is the possibility of thinking we have to handle all our troubles alone. It's not always intentional but we think we are only to share those secrets as a last resort. This is true in marriage as well as individually in the Christian life. Exposing my weakness or struggle is only a confirmation of my immaturity because - Christians are supposed to be strong!

Let me share a little secret with you: THAT'S A LIE!

Sharing my weakness with my wife as my sister in Christ actually makes me stronger and more in love with her as I see her love for me. The thought of having to live this life alone without anyone by my side is a formula for fear and despair.

The Apostle Paul shared his secret struggles with us in writing - for all the world to see! He pleaded with the Lord three times to be rid of a particular struggle. He came to the conclusion that there was actually strength in weakness. "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses...For when I am weak, than I am strong." 2Corinthians 12:8-10

So go ahead and enjoy those "little secrets" together but don't be afraid to share some of those secrets with others. You might be surprised just how much you have in common and how much stronger you will be because of it.

I'm Tired

2010-06-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Fatigue can take a toll on a lot of things but especially marriage.

How many times have you said to your husband or wife, "I'm tired" and really meant it! Whether it's the job or the kids, life can be exhausting. The honeymoon ends, the responsibilities increase and before you know it you feel like you are on a treadmill trying not to fall off!

We shouldn't be taken back by this but rather be sure we have realistic expectations. The increasing demands of life and marriage are not symptoms of problems but God-ordained opportunities for growth. Being tired is not nonspiritual but it can and often does make you vulnerable.

I had a friend tell me early on in my christian life when I really wanted to "grow in Jesus" that the best thing for my spiritual life was eight hours of sleep! I laughed but soon found out there was some real wisdom in what he said. Rest is an important part of life and that means physically as well as spiritually.

But who has time to rest!! That can be one of the best gifts you give to your husband or wife - or each other. It might take some creative planning but the results can be refreshing.

It also means we have to be realistic in our expectations of each other. When you ask, "How was your day?" you have to really mean it and be ready for the answer. It's not a time to determine who has the harder life but the need to empathize with each other and then determine how to mutually bear the burdens. "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

There is something very spiritual and refreshing when you know your partner is carrying your burdens as well. There is often a unique work of God's Spirit that brings strength to the weary soul and even renewed strength to the body.

Christ came to bring rest to the weary and heavy laden. A rest in the midst of fatigue that comes not from us but from Christ in us.

Go rest in him and give rest as well.

Chain Reaction

2010-06-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

I love to watch the domino formations happen. It all starts with one domino. Someone tilts the first one and the rest unfolds right before your eyes! You see pictures and words come alive all because of one domino - a chain reaction.

That happens in other places as well and not always with dominoes. Sometimes it can be pretty destructive like when a spark ignites a small twig which then lights another and before you know it there is a blazing trail of fire that not only knocks things down but destroys them as well.

Chain reactions are not limited to nature but we see them in the lives of people all around us. Almost everyday someone is setting off a reaction with someone else and that in turn effects others.

That's not always bad.

It's part of the dynamic of relationships that make us effected by one another. Some more than others but no on is neutral. Everyday you are effected by someone and are having an effect. We can not avoid it because we were made in the image of our Creator which is to relate with others.

You know where I'm going with this don't you?!

Your marriage is a daily context for actions and reactions. Yes they can be negative but they can also be incredibly positive and encouraging. That affirming word in the morning can make all the difference in the day. In many ways it all starts with our internal chain reaction. To think about my spouse with the mind and heart of Christ will have an effect on how I initiate love and not just react. What I think and believe determines the kind of "dominoes" I set up and the kind of reaction as well.

"...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
Philippians 4:8

Go start a chain reaction!

Another Ended Marriage

2010-06-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

"Til death do us part."

I recently returned from the funeral service of a dear friend, Allan Tibbels. His wife Susan said goodbye to her partner in life who spent the last 20years of married life in a wheelchair.

A wheelchair.

How can you have a happy marriage in that condition? Statistically you can't. The overwhelming majority of marriages in that condition end in divorce. Not in this case. It would only end when the Lord would call one of them home through death.

Their commitment wasn't to some shallow sentimentality of love but to the God of love. They had to learn even more deeply what it meant to be committed to Christ for Christ's sake.

And they did.

They had the common call of giving their lives to those most broken by life. In body and in spirit. They lived and loved in Jesus' name in the poorest section of Baltimore city. You can't rise above your circumstances until you lay down your life for Jesus. You have to give up your pursuit of happiness and sacrifice it at the altar of service for Christ. Both Allan and Susan would tell you it didn't come from them but from God. Their collective eyes were focused on others who needed Jesus and they wanted their marriage to reflect that commitment.

And it did.

Countless lives have been affected by a marriage that was broken in body but oh so powerful in spirit. Homes and hopes were restored and marriages as well all in the name of Jesus.

This is an extreme example but the principle is the same. If we say we love Jesus it MUST be seen in our marriages and lives. Personally and collectively we all have the same call. "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:1,2

I want my life to be like Allan's. I want my marriage to be like Allan's. I want to be like Jesus - how about you?

Picture This

2010-06-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

Bev and I celebrate our 37th anniversary this week.

I'm looking at a picture of our wedding day - who are those people!? We also attended a wedding this past weekend of a young couple who were just staring their pilgrimage. What will they look like in 10,20 or 30 years? Not just physically but in their maturity.

We all want to look good but we also want to grow good.

Picture this. A couple who endure together and grow together for decades and "look" better than when they first started out. One author says it this way,

"Merely making our relationships last is just not good enough. Our relationships can change us. Our relationships should change us. Our relationships will change us for the better - if we are willing to take the risk."

As we commit to the long haul we actually become more mature individually and as a couple. We sharpen each other and grow even more in our love for each other. We have to daily commit to our vows which really is a commitment to self-denial and love. Like a song in my younger days says, "Did you ever have to make up your mind? Pick up on one and leave the other behind. It's not often easy and not often kind. Did you ever have to make up your mind?"

But picture this. What if your marriage actually started looking more and more like Jesus? What if your commitment to Christ was not merely a compartment of your life but the very essence. What difference should we as Christians have as compared to the rest of the world? Should it not be that there is an ever increasing picture of an image of Jesus that others are drawn to?

One of the greatest prayers found in scripture is in Ephesians 3 and one of the greatest requests is in Paul's phrase, "...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith..."if that was the heart cry of every Christian couple there would be some beautiful pictures out there.

Picture this. A newly married couple coming up to you and asking to take your picture because they see something in you they want in their own marriage. The camera doesn't capture it but there is something in your lives that shows it.

May the picture of Jesus be seen in your marriage today.

The Next Generation

2010-06-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Bev and I recently had the privilege of spending time with a young couple married less than five years. They have a young daughter and are struggling to keep on top of things circumstantially and financially. It was one of the most refreshing times not only to see how they were dealing with life and the gospel but to feel the impact on our own marriage.

There is something powerful about Christians working through life together and especially with different generations. We really do need each other spiritually more than we realize.

This is a plea to the next generation.

The way you deal with life in the presence of Jesus is having an impact. Marriages continue to fall apart and believe the lie that there is no hope even with the gospel.

The young father and husband I visited spent time alone with me and we talked about the call of Christ in our lives and homes. He shared first hand how his marriage and parenthood has been used of God to REALLY sanctify him! I could see how he was wrestling not just with "good works" but with the honor of Jesus in his life. It was a joy to watch him care for his little girl and pour out on her a new father's affection. At the same time he manifested a precious love for his wife as he served her that was both convicting and encouraging to me.

This is a plea to the next generation.

Your influence can be eternal. Encourage others in their own pilgrimage as you walk through yours. Others are watching you whether you know it or not. They need to see the joyful struggle of the gospel. I beg you, in Jesus' name, don't take lightly the call of the gospel in your marriage. There is a generation right behind you watching you. (Maybe some of us older ones could be watching and learning too!)

What I saw in this young marriage and family is what I long for in my own. It looks a lot like what the Apostle Paul calls us to as believers, "Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
Ephesians 5:1,2

24/7

2010-05-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

We are a culture of conveniences. Whether it's the all night diner or the local Walmart we want to be able to get what we need. 24/7 is all about meeting my needs when I need them met. "Be open when I need you. Be there when I call."
On the other hand 24/7 can feel inconvenient.

Like the surveillance cameras that watch your every move. Or the cell phone that gives people easy access any time of the day or night. Or cyberspace. Is there such a thing as true privacy anymore?

Then there is marriage. When it's convenient, this 24/7 relationship is a true blessing. When we are in harmony we can't get enough of each other. We want to process all of life together and learn and grow with each other.

What happens when it's inconvenient? When we feel like we can't get away. When we are angry or depressed and the last thing we think we need is to have someone in our face all the time! You can feel stuck or smothered and think the best solution is to stop the 24/7 surveillance. Some seasons in our marriage are difficult and we get to the point we "feel" like escape is better than reality. Yet our vows call us back.

Is this not a picture of our marriage to Christ? When it's convenient it's great but what do we do when we don't "feel" like being married? Our relationship to God is unlike any other. There is no privacy with him. "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?" Psalm 139:7 David knew he was under God's surveillance and there was NO escaping it.

Praise God our relationship with him is not primarily dependent on us. His commitment is permanent and constant. He is conveniently inconvenient.

That relationship is never more clearly seen than through the love of his Son. The love of Jesus has sealed our marriage vows with God. He will never tire of us nor forsake us. His commitment is 24/7. "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 11:20

Thank him that today you have the convenience of his constant love because of the death of his Son. Live in his presence in the 24/7 of your marriage.

The Marriage Filter

2010-05-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

The television commercials for buying the more effective filters for your house make you want to go out and get a lifetime supply! Especially when they show you all the microscopic things that you are breathing in every day. Weird creatures and all kinds of molds that infest your home and children must be stopped!

You can literally breath easier just knowing those filters are in place. After awhile you take them for granted and no longer worry about not being protected. All you have to do is to remember to change them and they'll do the rest.

I like filters.

The reality is we all need filters. We also all have filters. Not the external kind but the ones that cover our hearts. No one is born without a filter. We read and respond to life based on the filter that lets things in and out. The Bible is pretty clear that there is no middle ground on this one. We either see life through the filter of God and his word or we process it through our own eyes.

What's that got to do with my marriage? As Christians this relationship is the place where the weird creatures and ugly molds spores have got to be cleansed through the filter of Christ. How I listen to and respond to my spouse should come through that grid. It should be second nature for the purity of Jesus to be seen and anything that is harmful to be kept out.

It's so hard to remember that when I'm feeling legitimately misused or abused. When life is not cooperating and I'm having trouble breathing. I want to pass this problem on to someone else and thus cleanse myself.

If I would but recall the fact that the filter of Jesus never needs changing. Nothing comes to me that doesn't first come through him. He will use all things to further cleanse me and thus have more purity come out of me.

How's this for a marriage filter? "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:30

Forever Young

2010-05-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

Mirrors don't lie.

Whether it's that first grey hair or the growing waistline, we don't want to believe what we see. The billion dollar industry of fitness is too often our futile attempt to keep us looking young in the name of being fit. The image seems to be as important, if not more so, than keeping ourselves healthy. The fear seems to be that the older we get the less fulfilling life will be.

"Let's desperately fight the inevitable."

Look around and see how style and appearance have become SO important to us. Look as well how it has crept into our marriages. Wives wanting to feel good about their appearance yet sometimes having an underlying fear that the competition is winning. Husbands wearing outfits that would work better in a circus than on the street!

Don't get me wrong. We need to take better care of ourselves than we do. Our eating habits and lack of exercise have produced some embarrassing people! Yet as in so many situations the issue is more about motives than outcomes. Why do I want to take better care of myself - really? Too often, if I'm honest, it's more about me than my spouse or my God. I just want to feel good about myself. We all want that but in the end because of the effects of sin we all loose because we all die.

So what's the purpose of "staying fit?" As I get older I realize even more that I want to get the most out of this life physically and spiritually to prepare me for eternal life. I want to grow through every season of life with my wife and be able to see how God has been faithful to us in every way. I want to take care of my body as a vessel of the Spirit of Jesus so He might more fully be seen in me. I want my wife to be attracted to me for all the right reasons.

I also want to look into the mirror of God's law more than the mirror in my bathroom. I want to spiritually exercise so I can truly be a doer of the word and not a hearer only. "For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like." James 1:23,24

Let's look good so that Jesus looks good. Let's care how we look as a couple for all the right reasons. May Jesus be exercised in you both today and may the world be attracted to you because of the Christ who is in you.

Why?

2010-04-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

The why question can be that childhood innocence of wanting to understand. "Daddy, why do stars shine at night?" And not being satisfied with the first answer they follow up with the why question after every response we give until we feel like we have run out of answers!

It can also be a personal and probing question as to our motives and actions. "Why did you just say that?" or "Why did you just do that?" If you are like me I can handle the first round of why questions pretty well, it's the follow up "whys" that can unnerve me. When I am forced to look more closely at my actions and motives I seem to feel more threatened and get defensive.

Who has the right to question my motives and actions? In a marriage that is endeavoring to center on the glory of Christ it should naturally be the right of our husband or wife to ask the why questions. Yet too often we get annoyed and even caustic in our responses. The "nagging wife" or the "controlling husband" becomes a label we put on our spouses to make them stop the questioning. That partner in life is also your brother or sister in Christ and therefore a necessary instrument in your own personal sanctification.

This questioning on a human level should be a picture of what should be taking place on a spiritual level with the Lord himself. Who has the right to ask you ANY question and expect a true answer? The Lord himself who knows our hearts better than anyone. One of the many roles of the Holy Spirit is to ask us the why questions. He has the right to "get on our nerves" and to protect us from ourselves.

The Spirit's primary role in the believer's life is to make us look and act more like Jesus. Which is perhaps the greatest need in our marriages today, to see Jesus.

A true follower of Christ has that mindset of wanting God to ask the why questions, "Search me, O God, and know my heart..." Psalm 139:23.

The probing question is "Why?" Why aren't our Christian marriages more Christ-like? Why don't we believe the gospel? Why are we not more free to love and live in the power of Christ? Why don't we care enough to fight sin more personally? Why do we respond more out of guilt than of grace? Why don't we like people asking so many questions? Why? Why? Why?!!!!

I better stop here because I think I'm getting on my own nerves! It's time to go and practice what I preach!!

WHY NOT?!

And Then the Children Came

2010-04-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Children bring a whole new dimension and challenge to our marriages. They truly are a blessing from God but they are also his ordained instruments of sanctification as well!

"We were just getting used to each other and growing together...then the children came!"

It really does test the fiber of our marriage and brings about a further refinement of our commitment to the Lord and each other. The basis of our marriage can not be our mutual love and harmony but the sovereign love and mercy of God in Christ. That is not a mere platitude but an exciting foundation on which to build in every season of life. Our love and nurture of them is a direct reflection of our relationship with Jesus in how we teach them to be disciples of Christ.

I recently observed a couple dealing with a boy about 7 years old. He seemed to have a form of autism and was having difficulty controlling himself. His groans were loud and his mind restless. I was struck with how patient and sensitive the parents were with their child. The strain must be heavy on their marriage but there was also a clear mutual commitment that went beyond their personal happiness. They loved their son and were committed to him.

God loves his children.

He is not in the business of primarily making us good parents but rather true children of him and co-heirs with his son. "See what love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." I John 3:1 If we understand our primary identity in Jesus it becomes the filter through which we deal with all of life - including parenthood.

Our marriages are one of the richest contexts to grow in our sanctification and when God blesses us with children it becomes that much richer. In the Lord's sovereign wisdom he brings those little ones into our lives to do big things.

If you are married with children or anticipate having that blessing may our Lord continue that work he has begun in your heart and marriage as you share this journey together for your growth and his glory!

Resurrection Truth

2010-04-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

"For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified." I Corinthians 2:2

We have a lot of differences as Christians, even in our marriages. We also have some powerful things in common. Jesus died. Jesus forgave. Jesus rose from the dead.

When the world and my life seem out of control and the voices are drowning out the peace what is my focus? When I feel like I'm misunderstood or frustrated in my marriage where do I go? It's during those times that our differences become even more apparent. We feel like we are fighting our own private war without our partner.

The Apostle Paul didn't often have the luxury of time to work through issues and relationships. There were a lot of things pressing in on him personally and circumstantially. What he needed most was not a quick resolution but a quick reminder. "Jesus Christ and him crucified." That's what he had in common with other believers and that's all he needed to know. Life was too short to get so distracted with other important things that he would loose sight of what he needed most. A savior.

What's needed most in our marriages today? I would suggest it's not primarily a resolution but a reminder. As professing Christians who are married we have the most powerful hope in all the world. Jesus died and rose again for me. Because of that Paul could be so bold as to say, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

What's that got to do with your marriage? Everything! What your spouse needs more than you is to be reminded of Jesus. Almost to the exclusion of everything else. If the passion of our hearts is to know nothing more important then the crucified Christ it will show in how we live, love and honor one another.

Go live in that resurrected power and may the world see a hope - a love that is unlike any other.

Words Have Meaning

2010-03-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of words being thrown around in the market place today. Every word, no matter how seemingly insignificant, has meaning.

Two words: Healthcare Bill.

The issues are real and the concerns valid but listen to the words. We dare not gloss over our disagreements and learn to communicate those challenges. The language we use is the primary means by which we make those issues known.

But words have meaning.

I've been struck again by the place of words in marriage. Communication. How we say something is just as important as what we say. It requires forethought and self-examination. In a world that seems wholly given over to impulsive and impassioned verbal expression it's become harder and harder to listen. Also harder to learn.

If I saw a more direct and spiritual connection between my mouth and my heart, would that make any difference in my marriage? Jesus made that line clear when he declared, "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) Jesus chose his words carefully because each one had meaning. The way I use words with my wife conveys something about the message I'm trying to get across. The words in my home and marriage have to be seasoned with the grace and presence of Jesus. There are no idle words. No words without meaning.

That doesn't mean I am to be paranoid and frozen with fear about opening my mouth. Language was and is God's idea. It's a primary way to share ideas and emotions. As believers in Christ we should reflect to others the kind of communion we have with God. I think I could have an even better line of communication with my wife if I was more consistent with the Lord. Words of comfort and conviction that come from my lips to my spouse would be more second nature as a result of the Spirit of God dealing with my own heart.

This is not another call to "bite your tongue" and live a life of regret. Rather it's a call to use this precious gift of language to the glory of God. Think of how powerful our words could be if they were increasingly brought through the filter of the love of Christ. Not out of guilt but gratitude we would use our words wisely, "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:20

To Love, Honor, and Cherish

2010-03-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

The focus necessarily has to be on my husband or wife.

When we start out reciting those vows at the ceremony they are THE filter for which we are to view our relationship for the rest of our earthly life. I have promised to love, honor, and cherish my wife for the rest of my life. I declared before God and others that I would make her the focus of my affection. I would lift her up privately and publicly. I would hold her close to my heart as a precious gift that I would never want to loose.

These are not merely romantic ideas but exciting and critical commitments.

They seem easy to keep early on and even natural for awhile but what happens when "things change." It's amazing how quickly we seem to put a condition on that promise that at first was unconditional. The relationship got harder. My needs weren't being met. I felt like I was doing more "loving, honoring and cherishing" than my spouse.

It's easier to start out than to continue.

Isn't that similar to our Christian walk? We start out very excited about our commitment to Christ and His love to us. We have an "unconditional" commitment to him and his will in our lives. Then "things change." If we are honest we feel like the relationship with Christ has not turned out to be all we thought it would be. Yet the call is to love, honor and cherish him.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."I Corinthians 13:7

I can do this only because of the unconditional love of Jesus. My love for my spouse must flow first from his love for me and not for what I am getting from my partner. As a Christian couple our love has to look different from the world. Our love is not based on ourselves but on God's love. Therefore, in Jesus I not only can keep my commitment but I can actually grow in that love. A love that looks more and more like Christ and his church.

May the world see Jesus today in your marriage by how you "love, honor, and cherish" one another.

Thank You

2010-03-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

I don't say that enough.

In a culture where we take so many things for granted we almost assume we are entitled to what we have. Little things like food or health, friendships and jobs. We are truly a blessed people and therefore, potentially an ungrateful people.

Which is worse, an insincere thank you or lack of thankfulness?

The famous theologian, John Calvin, wrote in the sixteenth century that the greatest problem he perceived among Christians was a lack of gratitude. Believers were taking for granted their salvation. They were too often living their lives without a conscious awareness of what Christ had done for them on the cross. They were presuming on the blessings that flowed from his sacrifice.

Not so much as a daily "Thank You". Why do we do that? The things that are right in front of us become all too oblivious.

Like our marriage.

My spouse is a gift from God primarily for my sanctification not my happiness. He or she is the chosen instrument God brought into existence and shaped to be used of him to bring out Christ in my life. No husband or wife can fully meet your needs. There is only one Messiah. He alone can give you what no one else can. Forgiveness. A forgiven soul is a free soul. A chosen one who is able to love freely and point others to Christ.

"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you...because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now." Philippians 1:3-5

Your spouse is primarily a partner in the gospel. Give thanks to God you are traveling together in this broken world with the effects of sin in and outside your home. Be thankful too that Christ is sufficient for all your needs. We too quickly and easily forget.

Stop even now and give thanks. "Thank you Lord" for ......... and may that gratitude be an increasing part of your daily life.

Time Out

2010-03-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

"Time Out" is one of those phrases that applies to many situations. I remember as a kid using it to tell my buddies that I needed a break if we were playing a game. Later it was a welcomed announcement when a coach or referee declared a break in the action to gather ourselves or just catch our breath!

Or how about in child rearing when that little one needed to be forced to stop what they were doing and you told them they needed a "Time Out." It was a loving discipline to help your child calm down and practice self-control. You wanted them to think about what was going on. They were being controlled by life and their desires which lead to selfish outbursts.

Have you ever applied that to your marriage? "We need a Time Out!" How do you catch your breath? It doesn't have to be in the midst of an intense discussion or argument but you just might need a break from the daily demands of life.

And that doesn't always mean a break from each other!

A "Time Out" could be as simple as a ten minute coffee break or a date night. Just an opportunity to be together for the purpose of your relationship and not primarily to solve another problem. As husbands and wives we each have our own unique daily challenges but at the same time we are to be in life together. We might not have the luxury of a weekend away or a daily hour-long debriefing session but we do have the obligation to stay in touch.

As professing Christians we have the same dynamic in our relationship with Christ. The scriptures call us to have a consistent need for a "Time Out" with the Lord. We see that in the life of our Savior and all throughout the Bible.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

We're all busy but the Lord is always available. To take a ten minute coffee break with Him could literally change our outlook on the day or our own life. Our spouse needs to know intuitively that we are in the habit of taking Time Out with Jesus.

May God give you "Time Out" with Him today and with each other.

Take A Look

2010-02-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

"Search me, O God; and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" Psalm 139:23,24

I want a clear conscience before my world, my wife - but especially my God.

The true priority of life is not intimacy with my spouse or integrity before the world but rather a heart that is clean and clear before God. If Jesus is not engaging my heart and consistently testing my thoughts I am setting myself up for a dangerous "independence." I can actually start processing my thoughts and actions without asking God to test my motives and exposing my heart.

It's a hard thing to be vulnerable enough before our spouse, to invite them to examine our hearts' motives but it's even more important to have that humility before the Lord. In our heart of hearts as believers in Jesus we want our lives to be a reflection of Him. That can only happen as we cry out to him to keep our hearts in check. To protect us from ourselves.

Your husband or wife is a direct gift of God to do just that. To be an instrument of His grace to affirm, convict and push you to the Lord. Your spouse cannot be ultimately responsible for your growth in Jesus but they must be a catalyst to drive you to Him.

What if followers of Christ who are married truly took this passage to heart? The implications are profound. There would be a growing obsession to honor Christ in thought, word and deed. Pride and defensiveness would be dismantled. A freedom to love with humility would lead to deeper intimacy as God designed. And the list goes on.

You can only fake integrity for so long. Who do you answer to?

We must be a people who are in the habit of asking God to honestly, "Take a Look." Because of Jesus I can have a clear conscience before God. Because of Jesus I can have a clear conscience before the world and my spouse.

May that be your life today. A spouse whose first love is the call of Christ in your heart that affects everything else in your life.

Pain

2010-02-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

There's all kinds of pains with all kinds of effects.

I love the sign in the Doctor's office that asks you to assign a level to the pain. They even have facial expressions to help you pick and choose!

Pain hurts whether it's physical or emotional. Pain can't be denied or ignored. It's always present. It's a reminder that something is wrong. Something is in need of repair or relief. A gnawing, haunting presence telling me that all is not well.

Not all pain is due to volitional sin. We live in a broken world. Disappointment and pain are lurking everywhere. We can't avoid it nor can we deny it. Things just happen that are beyond our control that bring hurt to our body or soul. These are all reminders that something is critically wrong with this world. It also points us to a hope for a world where there is no pain or sorrow.

There is pain in marriage.

It hurts to feel misunderstood or unappreciated. It's a pain to admit I was wrong. There is soreness in the soul when anger or bitterness takes hold. Some pains are deeper or longer lasting. Others just seem to hang on. Then there are those things outside our situation that bring discomfort, like the loss of a job, a sudden illness, a rebellious child. The pain just doesn't seem to go away. There is no quick fix or medicine to take. We have to live with it and through it.

There is no such thing as a painless marriage.

Yet for Christians who are married there is no such thing as a hopeless marriage. We share a common bond as believers to a Savior who left a painless world and took on our pain and punishment. More than that He took on the final enemy of pain and death. Therefore, as those who have trusted the finished work of Christ there is no pain too deep or unbearable that Jesus has not conquered. No effect of sin can separate us from his love.

What does that have to do with our marriages? We have to remind each other daily of the fact that our identify is not in our pains but in the presence of Jesus. We can't let our pains get in the way of Jesus but to bring Him into our pains.

Go read Romans 8.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good...." (8:28) or "If God is for us, who can be against us?...nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (8:31,39)

May God make you partners in this life who, because of Jesus, can rise above your pain and not run from it. May He bring you relief that brings eternal joy that actually makes you stronger in faith and life.

What If...

2010-01-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

What if these financial burdens were not as overbearing as they are?
What if we really had the time we wanted to make our relationship stronger?
What if our children grow up to love and serve the Lord?

What if we were married as believers and living in Haiti?

We have the luxury to work through and deal with many issues that we face daily. We even have the freedom to whine about how bad things are and how our marriage and service to Christ could be a lot better if we didn't have such pressing pains. Life is hard.

Then I turn on the T.V.

Husbands and wives within a moment of time lost everything. Their homes and their children. Some marriages were literally torn in two when a collapsed building took a partner's life. Some of our brothers and sisters in Christ are going through the unimaginable right now. They don't have the privilege of sitting in a comfortable home with all the trappings talking about the future for their children and themselves.

All they can do is mourn and cry out for God's mercy.

I say this not to promote guilt but to call us to do more than survive. We must hold fast and intimately to each other and the promises of God. What would you do? What would I do? What holds our marriage together today so that we have hope for our tomorrows and even during the tragedies of life? The promises of God which are fulfilled in Christ have to be more than token verses on our refrigerators. We need His promises in all of life and in death.

"The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40:8

Pray for the church in Haiti . Pray for the gospel in your own marriage.

Here We Go Again

2010-01-04T10:56:00.000-08:00

2010

Another year. Another decade.

How many good intentions will go by the wayside? What resolutions will I be able to keep?

"I want to work harder on my marriage." Can't go wrong with that!

Yet what does that mean? Will I try not to get so angry so quickly? Maybe I'll try and be more thoughtful and not take my spouse for granted. Perhaps I'll resolve to pray more for and with my spouse to keep our focus on the Lord. Our overall desire is to be more consistent and grateful in order to grow.

The call to love and live out the gospel in our marriages should not be reduced to an annual commitment or resolution. It should rather be an assumed fact based on our vows to God and those witnesses. It should also be based on God's commitment to us in Christ.

Instead of working harder on our marriages perhaps we should rest harder in the love of Christ. So many of us today appear more restless than confident in the love of Jesus. His marriage to us is based on an unconditional love. His call to us is not to "try harder" but to rest. His death on the cross was a direct statement to us.

Forgiveness. Forever loved. Adopted. Never abandoned.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31,32

Here's a resolution not just for this year but for the remaining years of your life:
"I resolve to be more in love with my marriage to Christ."

The deepest resolve of our souls should be to be so grounded and embraced in the love of Christ that everything in our lives flows from Him. The world, the church, our children, should see a people who love because they are loved. Their identify is not in the success or failure of earthly relationships but in the finished work of Jesus that has truly set us free.

Go rest in His love and have a Happy New Year!

What A Gift

2009-12-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

What do you expect or wish you will get this Christmas? The lists have been given and the hints have been dropped now all we have to do is wait patiently. I think I know what would really make me happy this Christmas and I hope I've made that perfectly clear!

Sometimes it's the gifts that we didn't expect which bring the most meaning and satisfaction. It's that gift that I never thought about that someone who knew me well knew I would love. I'll never forget the time I bought Bev a gift unannounced. It wasn't Christmas or her birthday. I just found myself wanting to get her something. She liked Fiesta ware and collected the antique dishes. I bought her an antique pitcher and gave it to her one evening.

You would have thought I hung the moon!

With tear filled eyes she told me that was one of the nicest and most romantic gifts I had ever given her. (Note to self: buy more Fiesta!!!) It's amazing what a little forethought and genuine love and appreciation can do to a soul. Especially our spouse.

The Christmas season has become a celebration and also a good excuse for gift giving. The down side is that too often it feels more like an obligation than a privilege. We check off names and hope they like the gift we've chosen. The "safe" gifts are the ones we know they'll like and not have to think too much about. That's not necessarily bad but in my case it can be an excuse to not think too long or creatively.

The beauty of God's gift this Christmas season is that it is the culmination of an eternal plan. He has been planning before the foundations of the world to give the most creative and needed gift the world would ever know. And more than that He chose us to be the recipients of that gift. "...before the foundation of the world...he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ..." Ephesians 1:4,5

It doesn't get any better than that. His gift is exactly what we need.

I want my marriage to be a perpetual reflection of the creative love of God in Christ. I want to put aside my desires for gifts and think more about what would be encouraging and affirming to my wife. Gifts that would last not just for a season but for eternity.

You Go First

2009-12-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

That can be a harmless invitation or a clear command.

Opening a door for someone to go into a home is putting that person first while telling someone to walk out onto a frozen pond first is more self serving!

So much of life is more about being first. We want to be the first to get a new product or to be recognized as the first choice for a position or honor. We wouldn't necessarily say it that way but when push comes to shove we want to be first. This is also true in our conversations, we want to go first. "Let me explain myself first and then you'll understand."

The scriptures are filled with warnings and instructions about striving to be first. Jesus himself said the first shall be last. The Apostle Paul instructs us that we should be more concerned about the interests of others rather than ourselves. Putting others first is not in our nature. It means we have to deny something, whether it's our opinion or our rights. That just feels wrong.

What's that got to do with your marriage? EVERYTHING!

The challenge is not who gets to go first but who is invited to go first. The gospel is not about being served but serving. The call is to see your husband or wife as a gift from God and the recipient of working out that call of Jesus in your own life. That 24/7 presence in your life is there not to manipulate but to be the object of the love of Christ. A Christ-centered humility must be a growing reality in our marriages. We become more and more desirous to put Jesus first rather than making sure my needs are met first.

Think about it - the beauty and power of the gospel is that God went first. "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his son to be the propitiation for our sins...We love because he first loved us."
I John 4:10,19 Isn't that the uniqueness of this Christmas season? God came first to us before we came to him.

If he did that for us how should that look in our lives and particularly in our marriages? It should free us to be the first to put someone else first. A heart being changed by Jesus is a life that is reflecting Jesus.

YOU GO FIRST.

O Come Let Us Adore Him

2009-12-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

This is a season to focus on Christ.

Beyond all the trappings and trimmings of Christmas the church calls people to come and adore Jesus. Everybody is busy. Everybody is distracted with important things. Yet not everybody is adoring Him.

There is no better calling in life than to come and adore him who is Christ the Lord. And there is no better way than to do that adoring together. Our neighbors should see us as people who love to praise God for the gift of His Son. A gift that has forever changed our love and lives.

This call to worship the newborn king together should be the same for our marriages. Our identity should not be in our circumstances or children but in this primary call, "O Come Let Us Adore Him." A Christian marriage is not simply the bringing together of a man and a woman in union but a brother and sister in Christ as well. The call that brings us together is the call that unites us for the rest of our earthly lives , to come bring glory to the Savior through our lives.

This advent season for those of us who are married should also be a catalyst to call us back to our first love. Jesus has brought you together for a reason. He has come not primarily to help you but to save you. Your heart belongs to him and that love is to be uniquely shared with your spouse to more clearly and effectively adore Him.

"Yea, Lord, we greet thee, born this happy morning:
Jesus to thee be all glory giv'n;
Word of the Father, late in flesh appearing;
O come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord."

Now go and celebrate the season with a renewed desire to have your marriage be a picture of the church's highest calling;

"Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!" Psalm 34:3

Don't Forget To Remember

2009-11-30T09:31:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone. Did you remember to be thankful?

The holiday season has started and for many that means the pace of life picks up. More shopping, more phone calls, more cards to send, more cleaning and cooking than any other time of the year. And all at the same time!! This is definitely the season to remember our tasks list and all the important things we have to take care of in a few short weeks.

It's also a time to remember our blessings.

Do you remember when you first met your spouse? Do you recall some of those early conversations and how excited you got as you got to know each other? And that wedding day when you exchanged vows before God and those witnesses - the seriousness yet the excitement of sharing the rest of your lives together. Those are good memories. Whether you've been married 5 months or 50 years it's a good thing to remember.

One problem for many couples is that they forget to remember. We can all too easily get caught up in the needs of the day and seasons of life and forget what brought us together in the first place. Hopefully we have matured in life and there are probably some things we should forget but not the blessing of shared love and God's tender providence and blessing.

As professing Christians we serve a God who loves to remember. He never forgets His covenant to His children. Even when we forget Him he never forgets us and more than that because of Jesus - "He remembers our sins no more."

I think deep down inside of us we all want to be remembered. And that is especially true in our marriages. I don't want to be taken for granted or forgotten. I want to believe my husband or wife loves me and loves to remember me daily. Not empty sentiment but true gratitude.

This is the beauty of the gospel. Those who trust in Him will never be forgotten. No one understood this more quickly or clearly than the thief on the cross next to Jesus. His dying prayer was simply, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." To be remembered by Jesus is even more precious than the best of spouses.

Today as you remember and give thanks for the blessing of your husband or wife be even more thankful that God has remembered you.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits." Psalm 103:2

I'm Sorry

2009-11-23T07:43:00.000-08:00

"I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong."

That should cover it. I have used that over the years in my marriage to try and let Bev know I care about our relationship. That usually lasts about ten seconds! She looks at me with that convicting smile which let's me know she hears me but knows that's not okay.

I hate confrontation and I hate having my sin exposed. Whether great or small it just hurts and I'd rather avoid it. Added to that shame is that fact that I have personally offended someone, especially my wife. There is a specific sin that I have committed intentionally or unintentionally that I have to take responsibility for. I can't play the card of, "I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong."

Marriage is one of the most powerful contexts for my sanctification. The place where my sin is most clearly exposed and the place where forgiveness is most clearly appreciated. The more I hold onto that unconfessed sin (great or small) the more our relationship becomes one of survival rather than growth. I need her love and acceptance but I also need her forgiveness. When we are not right than life is not right.

That sounds alot like our marriage to Christ. Jesus has come not merely to give me love and acceptance but to grant me forgiveness. He has taken away the guilt and the shame. I am free. I don't need to hide nor pretend. Yet when I hold on to those sins things are not right.

When we are not right than life is not right.

The daily call of the gospel is to a life of continual confession and forgiveness. No secrets. No games. His unconditional love is always there not to pity but to restore.

I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Psalm 32:5

May our earthly marriages truly be a reflection of that heavenly marriage. A place where sins are confessed and forgiven. A place where you can truly be sorry and truly forgiven.

Trust Me

2009-11-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

A growing marriage is a trusting marriage.

The vows we make at the beginning are statements that involve trust. That means I can rely on and have confidence in the fact you will take care of that which I'm giving you. We make vows to love, honor and cherish.

Those vows are exciting yet scary at the same time. Not only am I entrusting my life to someone but they are dong the same to me! What if we don't handle that trust well? We are trusting each other with many unknowns, like the future and our struggles in life. I'd like to believe we'll be able to handle every season of life by trusting each other but what if that trust is broken or challenged?

Here's a news flash: You can't be fully trusted!

We are sinners who at the end of the day are more concerned about our needs than others. We would never state that boldly but it really is our tendency. I can be better trusted when you take care of my needs first. That is not a statement to excuse our sin of selfishness but to keep the reality of the struggle on the table.

The beauty of a truly Christan marriage is that you are entrusting your life to a sinner who is even more concerned about trusting Jesus than just keeping you happy. If I have trusted Jesus with my life there will never be a time when I can't fully rely on him to keep his promise. His commitment to love, honor and cherish is pure and forever - he will never leave me nor forsake me. He has taken my broken promises and shame upon himself and given me his perfect obedience.

The call of the gospel in our marriages comes not from our spouse but from Jesus. It is that same call from beginning to end - "Trust Me." The chorus of the old gospel hymn calls us back to our first love,

Trust and obey for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus
but to trust and obey.

Today, let's try and be as concerned, (if not more) about our trusting relationship with our Lord than even our spouse.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6

What Are You Thinking?

2009-11-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

That can feel like an innocent question.

It can also feel invasive.

I fear one of the greatest hindrances to marriage is not necessarily the blatant ones as much as the subtle ones. Like the fact that so many of us have our own "private" world in our minds by which we process life. We often feel this unspoken pressure to resolve things in our lives without involving others, even our spouses. We get use to having a separate world where we go to deal with life and then selectively reveal the process and results.

One of the greatest fears wives have is that their husbands are living in two worlds. They have their world at home with them but then this "other" world they know little about. It doesn't mean they are thinking the worse, i.e. pornography, or adultery - they just want to know what we've been thinking.

When a husband and wife get used to processing life on their own then it becomes a habit. That habit can create an unintended consequence of being more concerned about survival than growth. That partner in life becomes another burden to bear rather than one to bear burdens with. Too many of us get to the point that we feel alone in our marriage. We have our own private world to help us cope with the disappointments and seasons of life.

Not only as a married couple but especially as professing Christians we must live lives of integrity and honesty. We should be known not for our secrets but for our truthfulness. "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another." Ephesians 2:25

So how do we alter this or prevent it from happening? Try asking this...

"What Are You Thinking?"

But don't stop there. As important as it might be to ask the question it's just as critical to answer it. We show our love and commitment by how we answer as well as how we ask.

Think about it.

A Good Reminder

2009-11-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

On a recent plane trip I sat next to a guy I found out was a fellow believer in Christ. That's always refreshing and often convicting! We talked alot about the state of the church and the need to take Christ more seriously in our lives and especially in our marriages and familes.

He shared an incident in his family life when one of his children, who are now adults, made a statement about their dad. He was working a lucrative job that demanded he travel frequently. At a parent/teacher conference the teacher shared a response one of his children gave to the question, "How many people are in your family?" The child said five when the teacher knew there were a total of six. When the teacher followed up with the question of why the child said five the response was, "Dad is never home."

It was one of those piercing and convicting works of God's Spirit that would literally change his life. Within a month he had given his notice to the company to change positions. He needed to be home during the strategic season of his kids lives and was willing to sacrifice his own career success for his wife and children.

The point here is not to say if you travel for your work you are messing up your family!

This follower of Jesus knew he had made his career more important than his family. He wanted to make a different statement as a result.

Life really is short and we shouldn't loose the opportunities that God gives us to pass on to our children a legacy that is seen in our lives as well as our words. Jesus knew that what we do with our today's will have an effect on our tomorrows. There are so many daily distractions that take our eyes off the real issues of life.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

Our marriages are the first place our children look to understand what it means to to follow Jesus. May you be partners in life who share that common goal of the honor of Christ. An honor that is willing to say no to the things of the world for the sake of the gospel.

I just thought I would pass on a Good Reminder.

Stress Relief

2009-10-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

A gentle touch or back rub can bring amazing relief. When my muscles are tight then my mind and life feel tight. The world seems less stressful when my body feels more relaxed.

We each carry burdens in life that bring unique stresses that affect everything else in our lives. A hard day at the office, a nagging illness, an argument with my spouse, a bad mood, the demands of children, etc.

Where is my stress relief?!

In a real sense a first place of stress relief should be in our marriages. It should be a place where I can be stroked physically and emotionally. A place for someone to not only bear the burdens of life with me but to help me rest in the midst of them. To know my husband or wife wants to not only hear my cares but to identity with them can bring a unique stress relief to my soul.

That looks alot like the gospel. Isn't that why Jesus came? He has come to bring rest in the midst of this sinful and stressful world. The most critical stress relief he brought was to remove the guilt of our sin. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."He has not only identified with that stress but he has literally taken on the responsibility of that stress.

NO CONDEMNATION.

As professing Christians in marriage our primary task is to remind each other of the rest we have in Jesus. Not only to remind but to reflect that love. I want to love as I have been loved, to care as I have been cared for. Even the best husband or wife can only sooth my stress to a limited degree. I need Jesus.

I want to be lovingly pushed to Jesus. I want to run to the one who alone can bring the stress relief to my soul in the midst of this sinful world. I want to respond to his ever present invitation, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28,29

Today, as that husband or wife bring stress relief to your spouse. It can be that back rub or listening ear but whatever, bring Jesus to them. May God make your home a true oasis for rest and relief as you rest in him.

Have you Got a Minute?

2009-10-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..." James 1:19

How's this for an equation? The more I feel isolated and disconnected the more I need someone to listen to me before I can listen to them. The opposite therefore could be true, the more accepted I am the more I can listen.

Which comes first, being listened to or listening?

James is calling us as followers of Jesus to be first and foremost, good listeners. People who love to hear and understand. People who are known for a slowness in terms of speech and anger. People who legitimately care about the interests of others more than themselves.

The implication for our marriages is very powerful. What are we communicating to our spouses, verbally and non-verbally when it comes to listening? Are we approachable enough so when they say, "Have you got a minute" they don't have to be threatened by our response? Too often, to our shame, especially as husbands we can make our wives feel like they need royal permission to come into our presence and even then not guaranteed a listening ear. Of all the people to be listened to our God-ordained partners in life must know we WANT to hear from them. We cannot be what we are called to be without their involvement and they cannot be involved unless we are open and approachable.

I would suggest the deeper issue is our own marriage to Christ. I wonder how many times Jesus says to us, in essence, "Have you got a minute?" If we are not in the habit of listening to him through the Word and prayer why are we surprised when it becomes hard to listen to others? Jesus loved to listen and because of that people loved to talk to him. And then they wanted him to do the talking!

Your marriage is a powerful catalyst and witness to the work of Christ in your own home and the world around you. We are a people who cried out to God for forgiveness... and he listened. He then spoke words of hope and comfort that would forever change our lives.

Take a minute right now to stop and listen to the Lord.

Now go and listen to your spouse!

Fame

2009-10-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to be known.

Bev and I recently returned from a whirlwind tour of Southern California. I spoke at a church retreat and then we drove down the coast to San Diego. We stopped off for a while in Hollywood.

The Walk of the Stars, Hollywood Boulevard, Rodeo Drive, the studios, and all the time looking for someone famous. We all have that inner drive to be recognized and influential. Whether it's a reality T.V. show or a talent contest we want our 15 minutes of fame.

Everybody wants to be known.

Our culture seems to be obsessed with a desire to have a life outside the routine of our daily existence. "If more people know of me than the more significance and fulfillment I will have." There is nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated but when that desire becomes an idol than the world and people around us become commodities.

I can't help but think that is part of our problem in marriages today. Schedules, kids, diapers, jobs and the demands of life are not as glamorous and recognized as those in the media. We can somehow feel cheated and envious. Life is hard and that surreal world of T.V. and movie screen can seduce us into believing there is a better life to be offered in this world.

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions - is not from the Father but is from the world." I John 2:15,16

The gospel is primarily about living in a broken world not utopia. Jesus has come to give what the world can never give. His death and resurrection have given us a recognition by the highest of all audiences. God himself has unashamedly adopted us as his children and one day the world will be envious. That should be enough to stop us from looking to the world but instead keep our eyes on Jesus.

But...everybody wants to be known.

May God help us this day in our marriages to walk humbly before God and our spouses and may Jesus be center stage for all the world to see.

What's Your Reputation?

2009-09-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

Not personally but in your marriage.

What do people say and think about your view of life together as a married couple? In an article in Newsweek magazine they interviewed adult children of divorced parents and one person said this about his friends parents, "Most of my friends had divorced parents, and the ones that weren't should have been divorced."

What causes marriage to have such a bad rap? We do.

When we succumb to just surviving and putting up with each other we look alot like the world. Everybody is trying to put up with someone but it's usually with people we are not "stuck" with. Too often the reputation of marriage is that it has a great beginning and the rest of it is filled with regret.

It's hard to be excited about the institution of marriage when you see so many high profile people no sooner starting with great fanfare but ending all too quickly with bitterness and disillusionment. Add to that the reality of so many of our friends and relatives coming to the same conclusion.

It's almost contagious!

The world needs to see marriage as one of the most challenging yet rewarding crucibles of life. A place to work out the issues of life for the rest of your life. And particularly a place where the reality of the gospel of Jesus is increasingly visible. A place where the reputation of Jesus is more important than our own.

Isn't that a lot like our Christian lives? Too often we see life more in terms of survival than growth. To hang on with regret rather than to grow with confidence because of Christ. What reputation of the Christian life are we giving as well?

Paul's reputation and identity was that of one who was always striving and struggling. His desire was not to survive but to press on. "I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:12.

May God make our marriages places of attraction with a reputation that others will desire for the honor of Christ.

Shock And Awe

2009-09-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been completely caught off guard? Not for bad reasons but for a celebration.

This past weekend I played into the final hand of a surprise my family had been planning for two months - a 60th birthday party that was something I'm still processing! There were friends and family from every season of my life and even my mom who is now 88 years old!

My heart felt like it stopped when they all yelled SURPRISE! and I started visually taking in the people who had come. Family and friends from every season of my life were there. From high school to my years in Philly ... faces and stories that brought back a rush of memories and a heart filled with praise to God for his blessings.

Then there is my family.

In that "out of body" experience I found myself looking at my wife and children. There they were - the one constant throughout every season of life. Meg, Mat, and Erin. My children are now adults, married to spouses who love Jesus as well, growing in their own seasons of life. Each one has a special place in my heart. A place no one can replace and only God knows how much they mean to me and how grateful I am to Jesus for blessing me with each of them.

Then there is Bev.

The mother of my children. The woman in my life who holds a unique place in my heart. God only knows what I would be without her. We grew up in the same place, same schools, same friends and because of her - the same God. And we are both 60 years old! It doesn't get any better than that!!

Then there is Jesus.

He is the constant in my life that no one can replace. Even the precious gift of my wife and children. I have been blessed by them because they are a gift from him. Jesus was the ever present guest at my party and I couldn't help but see him as well.

The "shock and awe" of my party still lingers but so does this, "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:10

Thank God for the blessings he sends and especially your spouse and family. Yet let those blessings lead you once again to the source of all blessings and be thankful!

Once in Awhile

2009-09-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

"Once in awhile won't you try to give one little thought to me..."

Another song from my past that not only brings back memories but is a good reminder as well. The perpetual challenge to marriage in every season of life is to not give enough thought to our spouse.

Our lifestyles do not allow very much time to think.

Even taking time to read something like this blog too often means we have to give up something else. Our minds are preoccupied with our checklist of things we have to do before the day is done. The demands may be legitimate but don't allow much room to seriously consider other things or people. The economy, our children, community interests...too much to do, too little time to think! Even with our marriages we can go through an entire day without thinking about our spouse. If you do this too often you have a marriage that is more concerned about survival than growth.

If I'm honest, many of my marital frustrations come because I haven't taken the time to give one little thought to Bev. My interactions too often are reactions to her rather than proactively moving toward her in love and appreciation. What she is feeling is common in many ways to most marriages.

We take our partner for granted.

Their love, support and understanding will always be there so the temptation is to presume on that commitment and not appreciate it. I don't have to "think" about what her love means to me - just enjoy it!

The implications for us as Christians is pretty significant and especially in our marriage to Christ. We can go through a whole day of activity without ever thinking about the love and commitment of Jesus. We presume on his love and perhaps take it for granted. We then go throughout life reacting rather than appreciating. We become more concerned about surviving as Christians instead of growing.

Could it be that Jesus is saying to us the same thing this song implies, "Once in awhile won't you try to give one little thought to me...?" It's amazing how quickly you can renew your heart's love for the Lord by simply stopping and thinking about him. Why not take 2 minutes right now just to thank him for his steadfast love for you. And for the fact that he is ALWAYS thinking about you!

Age and Marriage

2009-08-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

I turned 60 yesterday!

"O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!" Psalm 39:4

I'm still processing the experience. It's a good time to reflect on past, present and future issues. The older I get the more I appreciate God's sovereign watchcare. He was clearly watching over me and drawing me to himself. One of the constants in my life throughout the years has been my partner in life and marriage.

We are childhood sweethearts. We have been married for 36 years but I have known her at least 50 of my 60 years of life! I don't want to take that for granted. The Lord, in his sovereign wisdom used Bev and her family to show me Jesus and lead me to him.

Isn't that to be the purpose and goal of our marriages? To show Jesus to each other and the world. Life really is too short to be spending so much of our time and energy on things that won't last. Eternal issues become more important and necessary as we grow older. And there is no better place to be reminded of those things than in our marriages. To have a partner in life to share not only the adventures with but to remind each other of our eternal hope.

Our marriages don't last forever but our relationship with Jesus does.

I love Bev more now than I did before. Not simply because of all the experiences of life we have had together and the fact that she has put up with a lot! We have precious memories of life together in each season. Starting out with little money but lots of love. The blessing of children and lots of worries about doing things right. Saying goodbye to our adult children and facing a new season of life alone again.

Yes we are older but richly blessed with memories of God's faithful love.

Getting older can be unsettling in our youth obsessed culture but there is a blessing in age and marriage that can't be matched. Truly knowing that the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Whatever season of life you are in your marriage - keep building it on the promises of God fulfilled in Christ. Thank God for that partner in life who is also your brother or sister in Christ and make the most of the years he gives you in this fleeting life!

Memories

2009-08-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm big on memories - especially as I get older!

I love to remember things and people. I think it is wrong to romanticize the "good old days" but we should not forget them either. I've been having the urge to go back and organize some old photos and look at the home movies we made. My problem is that I can't get very far without spending a lot of time just looking and remembering and not organizing!

I want to pull Bev aside and tell a story with each photo. Do you remember when we took this trip? Do you remember the nick names we gave our kids and why? Or how about this picture of us all at Disney World in the cold rain wearing ponchos and 3-D glasses with your parents?!

Some pictures are seared in our minds and not in printed form. Like the first "real" argument we had in our marriage that ended in spaghetti all over the floor amidst tears and laughter.

I think it is important to have tangible reminders of the past. The primary reason for us as Christians is to remember how faithful God is to His commitments. The bible is filled with examples of remembering the things God does for His people. One clear example is in Joshua 4 when God tells Joshua to pile 12 stones together after he stopped the waters of the Jordan river. The only reason given was so that when the children ask what do these stones mean the story of God's salvation would be recalled to the next generation.

That's a good practice for every season of your marriage. It can be an encouraging tool that the Holy Spirit uses to remind you of His faithulness especially when you feel discouraged or weary.

Try it today. Pull out an old picture or look again at the rings on your fingers. Remeber how God blessed you and be thankful. Look ahead and make new memories as well.

Don't forget to remember.

Another Wedding

2009-08-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

How many weddings have you been to? Do your remember your vows? How about the feelings your were having in that "out of body" moment in your lives?

I just returned from performing another wedding. This one was for my niece which made it even more meaningful. Watching this young couple starting their new adventure with excitement and wonder brought back a rush of memories. They were entrusting their lives to each other in the presence of many witnesses and especially before God. That can be scary as well as wonderful! What will the future be like? How will we really get along?

As Christians our foundation and hope has to be in the promises of God in Christ whether we just got married or have been married for 30 years. Lord willing, this couple will have many years ahead of them in which to grow more deeply in their love for each other and particularly in the sufficiency of Christ's love to help them not merely survive but to thrive.

At the same time this couple was beginning their lifelong commitment another marriage was ending. A couple that started with the same dreams and desires have come to a place where those vows were just a memory. They professed the same love for Jesus and trust in Him.

The statistics are unnerving. The fact that we see this as, just the way things are, is even more upsetting.

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic I think the problem is not always our spouses or our circumstances but the fact that we have lost our first love. I fear the gospel in our marriages has become more medicinal than life changing. It's more about how Jesus fits into our lives than how we MUST live in Him.

The growing obsession for my niece and her husband must be to "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." As soon as we begin seeing our commitment to Christ as an appendage or another way to help us stay together we begin to undermine the very vows we took at the beginning.

Don't wait for a ceremony but renew your vows today. In the presence of your spouse and your savior remind each other of what you have declared. "To love, honor and cherish til death do us part." It's not a survival tactic but a biblical mandate sealed with the blood of Christ.

Do it for Jesus' sake.

The Little Things

2009-08-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

To quote an old song,"little things mean a lot." In a society where we seem to go from one crisis to another there are a lot of little issues that get pushed to the side because they are not seen as critical to the immediate need or situation.

If the sky is falling or the building is collapsing it is not the time for determining how people are feeling or different ways to handle the situation - just run!!

Yet when it comes to our marriages I believe we too often ignore the opportunities for the little things as we wait for the big things we expect to face. What if we don't have enough money? What if our kids get rebellious? What if we loose that lovin feeling?

Sometimes we focus on the things that we can't control and forget about the little things. If I practice on a daily basis caring for the little things in my spouse's life I think we would be more apt to handle the big changes that come. A word gently spoken, a helping hand without being asked. Those little things we do to and for our spouse can actually be powerful tools of encouragement that remind us we are in this together.

We will all face big things in life that require immediate attention. Yet let us not loose sight of the little things that we should be about today. This is not to be a checklist of routine obligations but a more second nature desire to love in the little things. We can't do this unless we give some time thinking about it. Take two minutes today to think of something specific that would bring refreshment to your husband or wife. What could you do that would make them know you had been thinking about them and wanted to show some expression of appreciation?

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8

Your partner in life is a gift from God and worthy of thoughtful love. Love your husband or wife in little ways that reflect a heartfelt gratitude to God. Know as well that your savior Jesus does that for you each and every day. He loves you in the little ways as well as the big.

Because, little things mean a lot.

Assumptions - Part II

2009-07-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

I like to assume I know what Bev is thinking and how things affect her. I like to do that with a lot of people. I pride myself in being able to read people's reactions and how they process life. Most of the time I think I'm pretty consistent with my assumptions. I can't take the credit because it's more the way God has wired me. I've seen the Lord mature me in using those gifts in ministering to people. It can be a real help in identifying with others' struggles not only in my ministry but in my marriage.

Sometimes.

There is a definite downside in making assumptions. "Why do you always assume you know what I'm thinking without even asking?!" That has too often been Bev's reaction when we are trying to work through a problem. I assume I know what the problem is for her and how she can resolve it. I assume the problem has to do with other things and people in her life. It really has nothing to do with me.

Bad assumption!

Maybe I need to start making another assumption. My motives are not always as sincerely driven as I think they are. Perhaps if I'm honest with myself I don't really want to listen to my wife and worse yet, assume some kind of responsibility for her struggle! I'd rather just "fix" her problem and with my gifts and abilities help her get back to living. My subtle pride and arrogance leads to a patronizing attitude that only adds to the frustration.

How's this for another assumption? I need to take to heart the biblical mandate to be, "quick to listen and slow to speak." and to be genuinely more interested in others than myself. If I don't do that in my own home with my wife I really can't do that with others. That's hypocrisy.

May God make us husbands and wives who assume we need each other to be all that we are called to be in Jesus. "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:4

What's Wrong With Us?

2009-07-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

Why is that sometimes when we look around at other couples we feel everyone else seems to have it together but us? They have smiles on their faces. We never see them argue. Whether it's sitting together in church or Sunday school they have all the appearances of people who have FAR less problems than we do.

One of the effects which can occur is that a couple starts to feel there is some fatal flaw in their marriage that is holding them back. It can also lead to growing feelings of jealousy and regret. We almost start coveting other spouses thinking we could have a happier life with someone else!

Once again the church can be a place where we are reminded of our brokenness and hypocrisy not by the preaching of God's Word but by comparing ourselves to other people. It's more important what people perceive about us than who we really are. In a culture that is so image driven the church too often can function like the world. Instead of an oasis it's just another place to pretend.

Having an image becomes more important than having humility.

In Galatians 5 Paul is comparing the fruit of the flesh with the fruit of the Spirit. Those more concerned about themselves, that is the flesh, will produce things like jealousy, rivalry and envy. On the other hand those who walk in the Spirit are known by things like peace, patience and self control.

It all starts in the heart. It has to be seen in the home before it can be appreciated in the church and the world. I have to stop pretending in my marriage and live with integrity and humility before my spouse. I have to make my daily prayer what David cries for in Psalm 139:23,24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"

Let's go to church not to view others but to be viewed by God. And in turn let's look for ways to build others up in Christ rather than wonder how others see us.

She'll Understand

2009-07-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

"I know I said we would go out for a special dinner but something has come up and I knew you would understand."

"You have a very understanding wife!"

When my job or ministry becomes more important than my wife that's when erosion sets in. It's not always visible at first. A little here, a little there. We're still standing but the foundation is beginning to crumble.

Why is it that we get so use to the fact that our spouses love and support us that we all too easily take that commitment for granted? We almost unintentionally take advantage of their love and wonder why they feel unimportant at times. And then when we are confronted we immediately turn it back on them accusing them of not supporting us!

The erosion takes the form of a growing emotional separation. The one are becoming two. Not quickly or immediately but gradually. You just start getting use to the fact that, "that's just the way life is." The next step is then to start being more concerned about yourself and your needs than those of your spouse. We justify it by believing we really can't give to him/her unless they reciprocate. The final conclusion is then that they are actually hindering me from becoming what God wants me to be.

What a mess that husband or wife has made of my life!

Could this all be a masquerade to hide from the fact that I'm not taking my first love seriously? Why is the gospel and the honor of Christ not more important than the support or lack therefore of my spouse? Why do I let other "important" things get in the way of my love for her and in turn my love for Christ?

Maybe I need to get back to being truly motivated by the love and Christ and stop taking advantage of it.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." Ephesians 5:25,28

Independence

2009-07-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

My wife of 36 years has been away for a few days now. This happens periodically in our lives where one of us is on a planned trip and the other stays behind. There is a sudden independence. I'm now on my own in the sense that her presence is not with me and I am doing things independent of her.

I'm doing fine. I'm eating okay and getting caught up on things and people. It's actually been fun and productive. Independence has it's benefits.

But something is missing. I'm just not myself. Maybe I'm a closet wimp and don't want to admit it!

I really am dependent on Bev. These times remind me just how much a part of my life she has become. It's more than just "meeting my needs." Her smile, her comments, her idiosyncrasies all are a part of her life that I not only have become accustomed to but even dependent upon. Although I can live alone I'm just not myself without her.

That's exactly what life in Christ is all about. There is a direct correlation between the metaphor of marriage and the Christian Church. Life in the body of Christ is the same as a Godly marriage and vice versa.

We are called to trust in Christ alone but never to live alone.

I cannot be who I'm am called to be in Christ unless I live dependably on the body of Christ. I need the gifts, the presence, the voices of my brothers and sisters not simply to meet my needs but to become all I'm called to be and unable to be without their involvement in my life. It becomes second nature to depend on and look forward to growing with those closest to me spiritually. I want to have my identity in Christ but not apart from the body of Christ.

"For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ...Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." I Corinthians 12:12,27

I love my wife and can't imagine my life without her - EVERYDAY.

I love the Church of Christ and can't imagine my life without her - EVERYDAY.

In Sickness and In Health

2009-06-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

Wonderful words with weighty implications.

I've promised to love my wife when she is beautifully healthy (No Problem) and when she is unattractively sick (Help!) It's a lot easier to love someone when a problem is quickly addressed but when it takes more energy or interrupts my life then my true character and commitment are challenged.

How would you advise a new couple about to be married? What one piece of advice would you give them? How about:
*Put Jesus first
*Pray together daily
*Go out on dates
*Learn to listen

How about: "Take your vows seriously"

Our wedding vows are some of the richest and moving commitments anyone could declare. Especially, "before God and these witnesses."

It's about a single-minded obsession to do whatever it takes to nurture, build up and truly love my spouse until I die. No matter what the cost or condition.

That sounds an awful lot like the love of Christ to His bride. The Apostle Paul was obsessed with getting believers to understand just how seriously Jesus took His vows. He would do whatever it took to present His bride as beautiful and glorious before His Father. Paul used the metaphor of marriage to show believers what it means for God to love His people. The passage in Ephesians 5 is the classic instruction book for husbands and wives but I fear at times we see it more as a handbook for our roles rather than as a picture of the gospel. Even the Apostle qualifies it when he says, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." I would argue that the context of Ephesians 5 is that Paul is more concerned about us understanding the love of God through Christ than "how to get along in marriage."

Here's a suggestion: Go back and review your vows of marriage.

Better yet - go back and review your vows of membership and commitment to Christ and His Church.

What Are You Looking At?!

2009-06-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's not polite to stare.

Sometimes.

I love to look at people in different gathering places. Whether it's in a shopping mall, a sports event or church it's interesting to watch people. Perhaps that's why I minored in Sociology - I'm fascinated with people!

Sometimes that can get you in trouble when your wife or worse yet the people you have been staring at say, "What are you looking at?!" I need to be more subversive and sly about how I stare but it's intriguing to me to look and wonder what that person or couple are really like. If you are close enough you can even hear the language and see the facial expressions. This can reveal a lot about how people relate and especially married couples.

In one way or another we are all in the public arena. People are looking at us. People like me are watching people like you! How you shop, the way you dress, the reactions you give at the check out counter, etc. your character comes out.

This is especially true in our Christian lives. People are watching. How does one who professes to be a follower of Christ handle life? What does it mean that Jesus Christ is Lord of every aspect of my life? What does it look like?

Those of us who have made a public profession of Christ have made an exciting yet serious commitment. In essence we have invited the world to stare at us. I have always been intrigued and convicted by the Apostle Paul's statement in I Corinthians 11:1 when he says, "Be imitators of me (or followers) as I am of Christ." In other words he is telling others to look at his life and live as he lives.

Think of the implications if we all remembered this aspect of the call of the gospel. Not only in our individual lives but I would argue especially in our marriages. What does the gospel look like in a marriage? The world should be invited to look at every Christian marriage and see, not perfection, but the reality of a joyful struggle in living for Jesus.

WARNING: This is not about keeping up the image of "Christian" but about the reality of working out our own salvation daily for the glory of Christ.

You and I who are Christian and married should not be offended when we turn around and find someone has been staring at us. They have every right to and every need to see what true God-ordained love is to look like - they should see Jesus.

May God make us a people who are true to our calling in the world as well as the church.

"What are you looking at?!"

Take My Advice

2009-06-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

Who do you go to for advice? What makes you seek out understanding of things?

Too often we wait until things are almost at a high stress level or crises before we see our need for help. Our culture and our nature are prone to wait until we run out of our own energy and wisdom before soliciting support.

The Bible's basic message from the Lord is , "Take My Advice."

The wise person is the one who is in the habit of seeking advice in order to grow in life not merely reacting to it. A young man recently approached me with the phrase, "I'd like to get your advice." He had been married less than a year and wanted to talk about the place of the church in their lives. He had ideas but he also had questions. His desire was to establish a pattern of spiritual growth early on in his marriage to build on a foundation that would be a source of strength through every season of their lives.

He's a wise husband.

It took me back to my first year of marriage as well. I remember clearly two pieces of advice that came directly from scripture. Neither passage dealt directly with marriage but as I look back I realize they had everything to do with marriage. The first came by way of my best man, my brother, who gave me a gift with a simple verse, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Jesus has a way of saying things that cuts to the heart of the matter. That advice has been a haunting and powerful reminder for us as to the ultimate purpose of our lives and our marriage.

The second piece of advice came from the book of Proverbs, 3:5,6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths." Bev and I committed ourselves to this passage when we were young and naive but it has proven to be some of the best advice we ever received. We have learned many hard lessons when we realized we were more concerned about our hearts desires and wisdom than the glory of God. In the same way we have seen how Jesus has grown us in our love for Him and each other.

The key for all of us is to get into the habit of seeking advice. Godly counsel is a wonderful desire for every believer and every marriage. To cultivate the attitude that says to the Lord and His Word, "I'd like to get your advice on...."

Don't take my word for it - take the Lord's advice.

"Trust me I know What I'm Doing"

2009-05-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

"Marriages grow sour when spouses engage in surgery casually, carelessly, or without the informed consent of the patient. But marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed." When Sinners Say I Do, Dave Harvey

Can I trust my spouse with the knife? What if it really hurts? Maybe it would be better to live with the disease!

Trust is a hard thing.

I have to trust not only my spouse but the God who brought that one into my life. That imperfect vessel can actually be used of God to bring about perfection in my life. I want to find reasons not to listen or let my wife "cut" me open. I want to determine when the surgery is needed and how it is to be administered. I want to be the one who says, "Trust me, I know What I'm Doing!"

Yet if I can't trust my spouse in the spiritual realm at times than how can we grow in ways that truly reflects Jesus and not some religious subculture? The one another passages are as relevant to our marriages as they are to the body of Christ.

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4:15,16

We can't do that unless we can trust each other, unless we are willing to listen and believe that the Sovereign God can and will work through others he brings into our lives.

It's not so much that we have to listen to our spouses as we do the Lord when he says, "Trust Me I know What I'm doing!"

Man To Man Talk

2009-05-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the privilege of having an hour alone with my son and and son-in-law. We spent the time talking "man to man" about life and marriage. We were not simply comparing notes to see who had it better but honestly talking about the blessings and challenges of being married.

It was like an out of body experience. I was listening to these young men talking about loving their wives and at the same time remembering my early years in marriage.

Where did the years go?!

I asked them what they had learned so far about marriage and their response was almost in unison, "it's hard work!" As we talked it was obvious they were not regretting being married but honestly and maturely expressing their feelings. They were learning the necessity and the benefit of learning to say no to some of their own desires for the sake of their spouses. I think we left feeling we had more in common than we realized and encouraged to work even harder.

We also realized we were not just talking about marriage but the call of Christ.

That brief time was a powerful reminder to me especially as to how the Lord has used my wife as an instrument of sanctification. The character issues of the gospel are more clearly brought to bear when you have to listen to, love, and learn from someone who is always in your life. The Christan life, like marriage, is hard work but in the grace of Christ both will produce growth in life and glory to God.

I pray these young men will continue on in this joyful struggle in marriage and the Christian life. I pray as well that they will continue to have man to man talk with other men and especially the Son of Man for the rest of their married life.

Rescue Me

2009-04-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

"Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God. Selected by him, for you, from the beginning of the world, your spouse is an essential part of God's rescue mission for your life."

The above quote is from When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey. In the book he highlights the challenges and the blessings of being married to another sinner - in Christ.

There is a lot to think about in his quote.

What if I really believed that God intentionally chose my spouse for me from the foundation of the world? This was His design for me that my spouse would bring out the issues of life in Jesus in a way that was perfectly suited for me. Your husband or wife is primarily an instrument from the hand of God to be used for your sanctification.

In a real sense your partner is there to protect you from yourself. The tendency is to see life from your own needs and perspectives and then determine how everyone else fits into that worldview. The fact that we get on each others nerves at times is not necessarily bad but could actually be part of God's plan to make us deal more directly with Him.

The Apostle Paul in Romans 12 tells followers of Christ, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment..." To have a true biblical view of ourselves we need only go to the cross. You and I had nothing worthy of God's love but because of our condition Jesus took that judgment on Himself. To reflect on the price paid for our sins on Calvary will produce "sober judgment" as to how we view others and especially our spouses.

Our marriages are the place where the cross is to be seen most visibly.

We can't really reflect the gospel if we are more concerned with ourselves than growing with our partner in Christ. Be thankful that God, who knows best, saw fit to bring that person in your life to help you fall more in love with Him than yourself!

A Panoramic View

2009-04-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

I feel like I live most of my life through a narrow, close up lens. The focus is mostly on me and my circumstances. That could make for a very boring and monotonous movie - not to mention a boring life as well!!

The power of the movie screen is seen when the camera pulls back to reveal all the other factors involved in the scene or story. Whether it's a military battle, or landscape scene the story line is much more engaging and exciting.

I need a panoramic view of life!

As a Christian who believes God's word, the Bible, I am reminded in 2Peter 1 that "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." The problem occurs when I loose that perspective. Peter addresses that issue a view verses later when he gives an answer as to why we are not growing in Christ as we should. "For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind..."

There's that narrow lens again. When I only see what is in front of me I loose sight of the big picture which in Peter's view is to loose sight of the cross. The greatest daily challenge is not to see or worse yet, forget that "I have been cleansed from my sins."

What does that have to do with marriage?

I think we need a panoramic view of our marriages. To see as God sees. There is a lot more going on in our homes and marriages than just getting along. God is endeavoring to do a deeper work in our hearts that is centered not on us but on His Son. The purpose of our marriage is the same for the Christian life - to bring glory to God by becoming more and more like Jesus. The daily challenges and blessings are part of a bigger script and we need to be reminded of the eternal perspective of all that is happening. My husband or wife is a part of God's plan to bring about that work in my life.

What difference would it make if I knew that the script had already been written from all eternity? God had carefully and compassionately planned for my salvation and my sanctification. My role is not to rewrite the plot but to rest in Him and try to see the big picture every day. To believe that "for those who love God all things work together for my good and His glory."

May God make us husbands and wives who are even more concerned about the big picture as much as we are the daily scenes in our lives.

We're SO Different!

2009-03-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

"God's plan is for great diversity, but with no division in the body of Christ. The same is true in the marriage relationship. Think of yourself and your spouse as two puzzle pieces fitting together. God created us to complement or complete each other. That's one purpose of marriage.

A second purpose is to place us in a situation in which change is demanded.

Our differences _when understood, appreciated, and allowed to be used by God - are those things God created for the great purpose of conforming us to the image of His Son (or, as Proverbs puts it, to sharpen one another). What do you get when iron rubs against iron? Heat. Sparks fly. But if the pieces are rubbed in the right way, they inevitably sharpen each other."

This quote comes from a book, Opposites Attract by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It's been a great reminder for Bev and I as we work through issues and in particular the place of the gospel in our marriage. Too often our differences become the problem and we end up attacking rather than sharpening each other.

What if we truly believed our differences were actually ordained of God for the purpose of growing us in Jesus personally as well as corporately? If we believe God is sovereign then that means He brought us together with our differences intentionally. He wants to do something to and with us that is more important than us. We "get on each other's nerves" not because God is out to make us miserable but to make us more like His Son.

I think we give up too soon.

It's hard work. Who wants to admit to sin and pride? It's easier to put up with or tolerate our spouses than to put on Christ and learn from them.

The Apostle Paul had great concerns for how the gospel was to honored among those who claimed the name of Jesus. Romans 12 is a clear picture of Paul's passion for the honor of Christ personally and relationally. For example when he says in Romans 12:3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment... and again in verse 10, Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. These are not mere platitudes but expected out workings of the gospel in our lives. I love the phrase, "Outdo one another in showing honor." The implication is to think more about the other person than yourself. What would that look like in a Christ centered marriage? How would that affect the way we see our differences? To see as Jesus sees, to love as Jesus loves, not primarily for our sakes but for Jesus' sake. All of this occurs in the context of Paul describing the body of Christ as consisting of many different gifts and how we are to view each other.

What better context to work out and appreciate differences than our marriages?!! May God grant us a renewed desire to appreciate our differences and use them for His glory.

A New Definition of Love

2009-03-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

"We need a definition of love that serves as an antidote to our modern belief that life is as it should be only when feel-good chemicals are coursing through the pleasure centers of our brains. We need a definition of love that embraces romance and passion ... yet still encourages us to appreciate the way in which love can help us to evolve and grow, through the early months of romance, through more tempered attachment, through building a life together, through aging, and , inevitably, through loss - through all of the seasons of a married life. We need a definition of love that doesn't encourage us to devote our relationships to the single-minded pursuit of keeping romance alive, because the more actively we pursue passion the more elusive it becomes.

And we need, above all, a definition of love that can help us to live and love with, rather than against, the natural course of time and human nature."

This quote is not from a Christian counseling book on marriage but rather from a book I've mentioned before, The Marriage Benefit by Mark O'Connell. He is a secular psychologist who exposes a screaming need in marriage that only a biblical view can truly satisfy. We need a definition of love that spans a lifetime which is rooted not in our own happiness and needs but in the journey of working out love in the context of a partner who shares that commitment.

Easier said than done. If it's not divorce it's emotional suicide. The statistics of broken marriages are depressing and distressing. And the response of our culture as well as the church? "That's just the way life is."

We need a new definition of love.

"...and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:7,10

For too many of us as professing Christians this is an appendage to our marriages rather than the essence of them. How often do I yearn and hunger to understand my identify with Christ? One who has been born of God. One who knows God. I cannot truly know love apart from God, in Christ and the more I know and understand Him the more I will reflect his love out of gratitude not mere obligation.

Perhaps to our shame we as professing Christians have looked for love more to the world and ourselves than to the scriptures. We want quick answers to our disappointments rather than believing the all sufficient love of God in Christ.

The implications are serious and demand hard work.

That's a theme for another blog on another day!

Assumptions - Part I

2009-03-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

I turned the TV off assuming we were ready for bed. When questioned I told my wife I knew we were both tired and needed rest. "But you didn't even ask, you just assumed."

What then proceeded to happen was one of those molehill to mountain events. I assured her I had her welfare in mind and she challenged me about the sincerity of my motives. "Maybe you were actually thinking more about yourself than me which is why you didn't even bother to ask."

Ouch! In the name of good intentions and sincerity I was actually more concerned with my needs at the time. A little thing, sure, but it escalated and I found myself defending my sincerity and not really listening. Then do you know what happened? The more we debated the situation the more I found myself questioning her motives and assuming she was the problem. How did we get to the level of arguing over a "little" thing like turning off a TV?

As I reflected back on that night I realized the problem wasn't the remote control. The problem was that once again other things crept in to interrupt the habit of us having daily communication. When you don't take time for each other you tend to rely on your intentions and assumptions thinking your spouse knows what your thinking. Granted, there can be seasons of busyness that seem to crowd out your relationship but that can't be an excuse for neglect.

Marriage is hard work. Walking with Christ is hard work. That doesn't mean it is not rewarding but the rewards are not primarily comfort and security but a love that reflects our savior. The more we assume the perfect love of Jesus the more we are free to give the love of Jesus.

"...let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires."
James 1:19,20

Intimacy and Pain

2009-02-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

In God's sovereign wisdom he puts us together in marriage to grow in the likeness of Jesus. That work comes at a cost. First and foremost the cost of His lifeblood to give us forgiveness and intimacy with the Father. Another cost is the daily sanctification of the gospel in our own lives. We have to be daily sharpened and molded which often brings pain.

Perhaps one of the most intimate and thus painful contexts for that sanctification is in our marriages. Listen again to a secular marriage counselor's observation as to the reason for this difficulty. "...we have deep and inbred capacities to change and grow, and that taking shared, creative risks with someone loved and trusted enhances these capacities. But let's not fool ourselves - marriage is hard. And if there is one single factor that makes our marriages hard, it is that they become crucibles for our own individual pain."The Marriage Benefit, Mark O'Connell

Biblicaly speaking that crucible is the place where eternal issues arise. We want to know Christ and to make Him known. That means we want to see as He sees, listen as He listens, love has He loves. What's going on in your marriage right now? Where does Jesus fit in? Not as a medicinal tablet to ease some pain but to grow you more into His likeness.

Le't not run from the struggle but belive that God has brought our spouses into our lives to bring out Jesus more clearly and fully. "Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1,2. It's really not about us but aobut Him and the call is to bring out the fragrance of Christ in our relationships, and especially in our marriages which are to be pictures of the gospel we declare to be our first love.

Conformity

2009-02-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult things in life is to admit our blindness. The lens of life is always tainted with sin. We all have blind spots that frustrate rather than free us to live as God's children.

The unspoken values of our culture control us more than we would like to admit. You don't have to be an insightful Christian to be able to see it's effects. The author I mentioned before who deals with marriages in our culture states it this way, "We live in a culture that promises us Teflon-smooth lives lived with a minimum of hardship and a maximum of gratification. We are, it follows, quick to substitute grievance and blame for acceptance when times get tough."

Our spouses quickly become the focus of our life's disappointments. If my life is not working out the way I planned than surely the problem is outside of myself. Something or someone is hindering what I desire and deserve.

Where does the gospel of Jesus fit into this? I would suggest the first place is within our own hearts not our marriage or circumstances. Am I willing to first determine the blind spots in my own vision that might even be hindering the very work of the gospel?

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

Marriage is Hard Work

2009-02-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

Why does the secular world seem to understand better than the religious arena sometimes? I recently came across a book I picked up in the airport written by a secular psychologist. The title could be found in a Christian bookstore, The Marriage Benefit: The surprising rewards of staying together.

Here is a major premise of his work, "...in this age of fast and easy gratification giving things time is becoming a lost art."

I found myself convicted throughout the book as to how I have been shaped more by my culture and my own desires than than by the call of Christ. Just that one thought alone, "giving things time" is a haunting reminder to me of what is too often lacking. I hear more about why people want to give up on marriage than on how to make it work. Could it be because it's just too hard to truly grow in that relationship?

In a culture where we are obsessed with youth and euphoria we need a clear reminder to endure or "give things time." There is a direct parallel again between marriage and the Christian life. Jesus calls us to bear patiently or to give things time rather than assume His promises will not hold true. I fear that's also becoming a lost art in our Christian lives.

I'll be quoting often from this book in the future but for now remember this more important quote, "...let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith..."Heb.12:1,2

Memories

2008-12-30T11:34:00.000-08:00

A new year is about to come while we say goodbye to another. What was this past year for you? What memories will you carry over to the new year? Some things we'd like to forget but other memories we don't ever want to loose. Like a loved one we lost or a blessing we gained.

Mark those memories and use them for God's glory.

We moved from Philadelphia to North Carolina. Our hearts and minds are filled with rich memories of our years "back home." Nothing can take them away but we miss the people and shared experiences of life. Though the move was hard it was also a reminder to us of God's faithfulness to us in every season of life.

We are making new memories with Jesus who is the same, "yesterday, today and forever." Marriage is learning to lean on each other and at the same time reminding each other that the Lord is who holds us together.

Change is often difficult and can bring unique strains on any marriage but the focus must be on that which never changes. What made our years good in Philadelphia was not just the people and the familiar surroundings but the fact that the Lord was with us and blessing us. Seeing God work in His church and through His people will be eternal memories for us.

That season of life will hold a special place in our "memory album" but we look forward to the new memories He will bring in this new season.

Happy New Year!

Is Anybody Listening?

2008-12-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

In a culture of noise and soundbites it seems like everybody has something to say. We all want to get a word in or give our opinion to influence a situation or person. In one sense it is good to see people engaging issues in our culture and be willing to speak up yet I fear at times the goal is to get the last word.

I wonder, have we lost the quiet art of listening? This is evident in many contexts but we are especially susceptible to it in our marriages. When I feel misunderstood by my wife I seem to try harder to make sure she understands. I do that by speaking more and listening less. "If she would only stop talking I could explain everything!"

LISTEN: "Know this, my beloved brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." (James 1:19)

It's amazing how much anger can be subsided by the absence of words. If your husband or wife knew you truly wanted to hear and understand what difference would that make? The anger and anxiety builds up when I know that after finishing my two sentences there will be two or three paragraphs in response!

Go and read how well Jesus listened and as a result how his words made an eternal difference. (i.e. the Samaritan woman in John 4)

I would suggest the next time you have a misunderstanding with your spouse, instead of getting the last word you take the lead to listen. Tell him or her that you promise you want to hear their concerns and that you will not respond for at least 10 minutes. This will give both of you the chance to prayerfully reflect on the situation and then respond with fewer words perhaps more graciously seasoned.

What's The Problem?

2008-12-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how similar the issues of marriage and our own Christian life can be. We strive for consistency in our walk with Jesus but often find ourselves inconsistent and discouraged. In the same way we want to have harmony in our homes yet seem to get easily frustrated and confused.

The Apostle Peter addresses some of this in his second letter when he declares that the problem for many of us professing Christians is not so much a lack of effort as our own "spiritual amnesia." In verse 9 of chapter 1 he says, "Whoever lacks these qualities (vs.5-8) is so nearsighted that he is is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins." In other words we are too concerned or obsessed with what is in front of us. We have lost sight of the cross.

That's not a mild bump in the road. If we fail to remember and see what Jesus has done we default to what we must do. That leads to fatigue and frustration. Jesus has done it all and paid it all.

The solution is not simply to "let go and let God" but to hold fast to the cross and the promises He has given us. If our desire is to live a life of gratitude for His precious gift we will seek first His honor and the welfare of others.

Think what that would do to our daily walk and especially our marriages!

Practice What You Preach!

2008-11-25T13:30:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what a word of thanks and encouragement can do to a marriage. One of the great themes I often hear regarding couples is the fear of being taken for granted. We can get used to each other to point of presuming on one another. We vow to "love, honor and cherish" one another but do we subtly allow that to become an expectation rather than a privilege?

The bible talks clearly about the importance of biblical encouragement among believers. Giving thanks for that brother or sister in Christ can be a true blessing. The lack thereof can bring discouragement.

To truly encourage your husband or wife requires that you think about them, you pray for them and you more naturally care for them. The Apostle Paul, that great giant of the faith, found great courage in Jesus when he thought about his companions in the faith. "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you...God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1) There was great power in knowing what they had in common - something bigger than themselves.

We as professing Christian couples have a blessed and profound responsibility to encourage each other in faith in Jesus. Let us practice what we preach and may it most powerfully be seen in our marriages!!

We Need Peer Pressure!

2008-11-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's the indirect or informal things that have the most lasting effect. How many times have you been impacted by someone simply by watching how they lived and responded to life?

This is true in all of life but it can be particularly significant in marriage. We as Christian couples need all the help and encouragement we can get. Often that can come simply by being around others who are endeavoring to take Jesus more seriously in their lives.

We tend to become like the people we hang out with. We need the peer pressure of those among us who are sincerely and humbly trying to work out the gospel in their marriages. I find it refreshing and convicting to be in the presence of another couple who are honestly struggling to honor Christ in their lives and home. I go away with a renewed desire to love my wife more and be what God has called me to be in her life. That doesn't always come through formal instruction but healthy peer pressure!

My in laws, Tom and Ada Brown were married 56 years and are now home with the Lord. They will never fully know just how much they influenced me as to what it means to be a husband and father. They were a perpetual object lesson to me. I praise God that I was "pressured" by a couple who simply and faithfully loved their God and each other to the end.

One Thing at a Time

2008-11-06T13:09:00.001-08:00

Marriage issues can build up like a basket of dirty laundry. We often get to the point where the only way we know how to deal with things is to bring EVERYTHING out of the basket and say, "now, what are you going to do about it?!"

There is nothing wrong with putting things on the table and sorting through them but you still have to pick them up one at a time! Life and relationships, especially marriage can feel like we do more accumulating things than dealing with them. Our pace of life and the intensity of demands upon us make us very susceptible to building up our mess rather than consistently dealing with things.

There is no quick fix or magic but there is a very practical and biblical way to approach the mess. "Be still and know that I am God." Let's not gloss over that. So much of our lives are lived in reacting to other things rather than resting in one thing. That one thing is the promises of God. Before we deal with our spouse we need to first deal with the Lord.

When we are consistantly mindful of the Lord and His call on ours lives the odds are we will more consistanly reflect Him in how we respond to the mess on the table -
one thing at a time.

A Social Dilemma?

2008-10-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

In the April, 2008 issue of Newsweek magazine a featured article on divorce quotes the experiences of couples from the 70's who went through divorce. One observation came from the author of the article, "My 44 year old classmates and I have watched divorce morph from something shocking, even shameful, into a routine fact of American life."

We agree that life doesn't always work out the way we want but have we lowered our expectations to meet our demands? This is not to make light of the painful reality of sin and brokenness in this most intimate of God-ordained relationships but why has it become so common?

I would suggest that part of the problem has been a less than biblical view of marriage even among professing Christians. If marriage is primarily a social institution established for our happiness and fulfillment then it will be doomed to disillusionment or divorce. What if marriage were more about holiness than happiness as one Christian author asks his readers.

To accept the current status of marriage as "just the way life is" is to have a less than biblical view of what Christ calls us to as His followers.

Let's think about how this God-ordained context of marriage could be a powerful tool to help the unbelieving world see the good news of Jesus' love worked out.