I feel like I live most of my life through a narrow, close up lens. The focus is mostly on me and my circumstances. That could make for a very boring and monotonous movie - not to mention a boring life as well!!
The power of the movie screen is seen when the camera pulls back to reveal all the other factors involved in the scene or story. Whether it's a military battle, or landscape scene the story line is much more engaging and exciting.
I need a panoramic view of life!
As a Christian who believes God's word, the Bible, I am reminded in 2Peter 1 that "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." The problem occurs when I loose that perspective. Peter addresses that issue a view verses later when he gives an answer as to why we are not growing in Christ as we should. "For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind..."
There's that narrow lens again. When I only see what is in front of me I loose sight of the big picture which in Peter's view is to loose sight of the cross. The greatest daily challenge is not to see or worse yet, forget that "I have been cleansed from my sins."
What does that have to do with marriage?
I think we need a panoramic view of our marriages. To see as God sees. There is a lot more going on in our homes and marriages than just getting along. God is endeavoring to do a deeper work in our hearts that is centered not on us but on His Son. The purpose of our marriage is the same for the Christian life - to bring glory to God by becoming more and more like Jesus. The daily challenges and blessings are part of a bigger script and we need to be reminded of the eternal perspective of all that is happening. My husband or wife is a part of God's plan to bring about that work in my life.
What difference would it make if I knew that the script had already been written from all eternity? God had carefully and compassionately planned for my salvation and my sanctification. My role is not to rewrite the plot but to rest in Him and try to see the big picture every day. To believe that "for those who love God all things work together for my good and His glory."
May God make us husbands and wives who are even more concerned about the big picture as much as we are the daily scenes in our lives.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
We're SO Different!
"God's plan is for great diversity, but with no division in the body of Christ. The same is true in the marriage relationship. Think of yourself and your spouse as two puzzle pieces fitting together. God created us to complement or complete each other. That's one purpose of marriage.
A second purpose is to place us in a situation in which change is demanded.
Our differences _when understood, appreciated, and allowed to be used by God - are those things God created for the great purpose of conforming us to the image of His Son (or, as Proverbs puts it, to sharpen one another). What do you get when iron rubs against iron? Heat. Sparks fly. But if the pieces are rubbed in the right way, they inevitably sharpen each other."
This quote comes from a book, Opposites Attract by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It's been a great reminder for Bev and I as we work through issues and in particular the place of the gospel in our marriage. Too often our differences become the problem and we end up attacking rather than sharpening each other.
What if we truly believed our differences were actually ordained of God for the purpose of growing us in Jesus personally as well as corporately? If we believe God is sovereign then that means He brought us together with our differences intentionally. He wants to do something to and with us that is more important than us. We "get on each other's nerves" not because God is out to make us miserable but to make us more like His Son.
I think we give up too soon.
It's hard work. Who wants to admit to sin and pride? It's easier to put up with or tolerate our spouses than to put on Christ and learn from them.
The Apostle Paul had great concerns for how the gospel was to honored among those who claimed the name of Jesus. Romans 12 is a clear picture of Paul's passion for the honor of Christ personally and relationally. For example when he says in Romans 12:3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment... and again in verse 10, Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. These are not mere platitudes but expected out workings of the gospel in our lives. I love the phrase, "Outdo one another in showing honor." The implication is to think more about the other person than yourself. What would that look like in a Christ centered marriage? How would that affect the way we see our differences? To see as Jesus sees, to love as Jesus loves, not primarily for our sakes but for Jesus' sake. All of this occurs in the context of Paul describing the body of Christ as consisting of many different gifts and how we are to view each other.
What better context to work out and appreciate differences than our marriages?!! May God grant us a renewed desire to appreciate our differences and use them for His glory.
A second purpose is to place us in a situation in which change is demanded.
Our differences _when understood, appreciated, and allowed to be used by God - are those things God created for the great purpose of conforming us to the image of His Son (or, as Proverbs puts it, to sharpen one another). What do you get when iron rubs against iron? Heat. Sparks fly. But if the pieces are rubbed in the right way, they inevitably sharpen each other."
This quote comes from a book, Opposites Attract by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It's been a great reminder for Bev and I as we work through issues and in particular the place of the gospel in our marriage. Too often our differences become the problem and we end up attacking rather than sharpening each other.
What if we truly believed our differences were actually ordained of God for the purpose of growing us in Jesus personally as well as corporately? If we believe God is sovereign then that means He brought us together with our differences intentionally. He wants to do something to and with us that is more important than us. We "get on each other's nerves" not because God is out to make us miserable but to make us more like His Son.
I think we give up too soon.
It's hard work. Who wants to admit to sin and pride? It's easier to put up with or tolerate our spouses than to put on Christ and learn from them.
The Apostle Paul had great concerns for how the gospel was to honored among those who claimed the name of Jesus. Romans 12 is a clear picture of Paul's passion for the honor of Christ personally and relationally. For example when he says in Romans 12:3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment... and again in verse 10, Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. These are not mere platitudes but expected out workings of the gospel in our lives. I love the phrase, "Outdo one another in showing honor." The implication is to think more about the other person than yourself. What would that look like in a Christ centered marriage? How would that affect the way we see our differences? To see as Jesus sees, to love as Jesus loves, not primarily for our sakes but for Jesus' sake. All of this occurs in the context of Paul describing the body of Christ as consisting of many different gifts and how we are to view each other.
What better context to work out and appreciate differences than our marriages?!! May God grant us a renewed desire to appreciate our differences and use them for His glory.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
A New Definition of Love
"We need a definition of love that serves as an antidote to our modern belief that life is as it should be only when feel-good chemicals are coursing through the pleasure centers of our brains. We need a definition of love that embraces romance and passion ... yet still encourages us to appreciate the way in which love can help us to evolve and grow, through the early months of romance, through more tempered attachment, through building a life together, through aging, and , inevitably, through loss - through all of the seasons of a married life. We need a definition of love that doesn't encourage us to devote our relationships to the single-minded pursuit of keeping romance alive, because the more actively we pursue passion the more elusive it becomes.
And we need, above all, a definition of love that can help us to live and love with, rather than against, the natural course of time and human nature."
This quote is not from a Christian counseling book on marriage but rather from a book I've mentioned before, The Marriage Benefit by Mark O'Connell. He is a secular psychologist who exposes a screaming need in marriage that only a biblical view can truly satisfy. We need a definition of love that spans a lifetime which is rooted not in our own happiness and needs but in the journey of working out love in the context of a partner who shares that commitment.
Easier said than done. If it's not divorce it's emotional suicide. The statistics of broken marriages are depressing and distressing. And the response of our culture as well as the church? "That's just the way life is."
We need a new definition of love.
"...and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:7,10
For too many of us as professing Christians this is an appendage to our marriages rather than the essence of them. How often do I yearn and hunger to understand my identify with Christ? One who has been born of God. One who knows God. I cannot truly know love apart from God, in Christ and the more I know and understand Him the more I will reflect his love out of gratitude not mere obligation.
Perhaps to our shame we as professing Christians have looked for love more to the world and ourselves than to the scriptures. We want quick answers to our disappointments rather than believing the all sufficient love of God in Christ.
The implications are serious and demand hard work.
That's a theme for another blog on another day!
And we need, above all, a definition of love that can help us to live and love with, rather than against, the natural course of time and human nature."
This quote is not from a Christian counseling book on marriage but rather from a book I've mentioned before, The Marriage Benefit by Mark O'Connell. He is a secular psychologist who exposes a screaming need in marriage that only a biblical view can truly satisfy. We need a definition of love that spans a lifetime which is rooted not in our own happiness and needs but in the journey of working out love in the context of a partner who shares that commitment.
Easier said than done. If it's not divorce it's emotional suicide. The statistics of broken marriages are depressing and distressing. And the response of our culture as well as the church? "That's just the way life is."
We need a new definition of love.
"...and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:7,10
For too many of us as professing Christians this is an appendage to our marriages rather than the essence of them. How often do I yearn and hunger to understand my identify with Christ? One who has been born of God. One who knows God. I cannot truly know love apart from God, in Christ and the more I know and understand Him the more I will reflect his love out of gratitude not mere obligation.
Perhaps to our shame we as professing Christians have looked for love more to the world and ourselves than to the scriptures. We want quick answers to our disappointments rather than believing the all sufficient love of God in Christ.
The implications are serious and demand hard work.
That's a theme for another blog on another day!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Assumptions - Part I
I turned the TV off assuming we were ready for bed. When questioned I told my wife I knew we were both tired and needed rest. "But you didn't even ask, you just assumed."
What then proceeded to happen was one of those molehill to mountain events. I assured her I had her welfare in mind and she challenged me about the sincerity of my motives. "Maybe you were actually thinking more about yourself than me which is why you didn't even bother to ask."
Ouch! In the name of good intentions and sincerity I was actually more concerned with my needs at the time. A little thing, sure, but it escalated and I found myself defending my sincerity and not really listening. Then do you know what happened? The more we debated the situation the more I found myself questioning her motives and assuming she was the problem. How did we get to the level of arguing over a "little" thing like turning off a TV?
As I reflected back on that night I realized the problem wasn't the remote control. The problem was that once again other things crept in to interrupt the habit of us having daily communication. When you don't take time for each other you tend to rely on your intentions and assumptions thinking your spouse knows what your thinking. Granted, there can be seasons of busyness that seem to crowd out your relationship but that can't be an excuse for neglect.
Marriage is hard work. Walking with Christ is hard work. That doesn't mean it is not rewarding but the rewards are not primarily comfort and security but a love that reflects our savior. The more we assume the perfect love of Jesus the more we are free to give the love of Jesus.
"...let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires."
James 1:19,20
What then proceeded to happen was one of those molehill to mountain events. I assured her I had her welfare in mind and she challenged me about the sincerity of my motives. "Maybe you were actually thinking more about yourself than me which is why you didn't even bother to ask."
Ouch! In the name of good intentions and sincerity I was actually more concerned with my needs at the time. A little thing, sure, but it escalated and I found myself defending my sincerity and not really listening. Then do you know what happened? The more we debated the situation the more I found myself questioning her motives and assuming she was the problem. How did we get to the level of arguing over a "little" thing like turning off a TV?
As I reflected back on that night I realized the problem wasn't the remote control. The problem was that once again other things crept in to interrupt the habit of us having daily communication. When you don't take time for each other you tend to rely on your intentions and assumptions thinking your spouse knows what your thinking. Granted, there can be seasons of busyness that seem to crowd out your relationship but that can't be an excuse for neglect.
Marriage is hard work. Walking with Christ is hard work. That doesn't mean it is not rewarding but the rewards are not primarily comfort and security but a love that reflects our savior. The more we assume the perfect love of Jesus the more we are free to give the love of Jesus.
"...let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires."
James 1:19,20
Friday, February 27, 2009
Intimacy and Pain
In God's sovereign wisdom he puts us together in marriage to grow in the likeness of Jesus. That work comes at a cost. First and foremost the cost of His lifeblood to give us forgiveness and intimacy with the Father. Another cost is the daily sanctification of the gospel in our own lives. We have to be daily sharpened and molded which often brings pain.
Perhaps one of the most intimate and thus painful contexts for that sanctification is in our marriages. Listen again to a secular marriage counselor's observation as to the reason for this difficulty. "...we have deep and inbred capacities to change and grow, and that taking shared, creative risks with someone loved and trusted enhances these capacities. But let's not fool ourselves - marriage is hard. And if there is one single factor that makes our marriages hard, it is that they become crucibles for our own individual pain."The Marriage Benefit, Mark O'Connell
Biblicaly speaking that crucible is the place where eternal issues arise. We want to know Christ and to make Him known. That means we want to see as He sees, listen as He listens, love has He loves. What's going on in your marriage right now? Where does Jesus fit in? Not as a medicinal tablet to ease some pain but to grow you more into His likeness.
Le't not run from the struggle but belive that God has brought our spouses into our lives to bring out Jesus more clearly and fully. "Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1,2. It's really not about us but aobut Him and the call is to bring out the fragrance of Christ in our relationships, and especially in our marriages which are to be pictures of the gospel we declare to be our first love.
Perhaps one of the most intimate and thus painful contexts for that sanctification is in our marriages. Listen again to a secular marriage counselor's observation as to the reason for this difficulty. "...we have deep and inbred capacities to change and grow, and that taking shared, creative risks with someone loved and trusted enhances these capacities. But let's not fool ourselves - marriage is hard. And if there is one single factor that makes our marriages hard, it is that they become crucibles for our own individual pain."The Marriage Benefit, Mark O'Connell
Biblicaly speaking that crucible is the place where eternal issues arise. We want to know Christ and to make Him known. That means we want to see as He sees, listen as He listens, love has He loves. What's going on in your marriage right now? Where does Jesus fit in? Not as a medicinal tablet to ease some pain but to grow you more into His likeness.
Le't not run from the struggle but belive that God has brought our spouses into our lives to bring out Jesus more clearly and fully. "Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1,2. It's really not about us but aobut Him and the call is to bring out the fragrance of Christ in our relationships, and especially in our marriages which are to be pictures of the gospel we declare to be our first love.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Conformity
One of the most difficult things in life is to admit our blindness. The lens of life is always tainted with sin. We all have blind spots that frustrate rather than free us to live as God's children.
The unspoken values of our culture control us more than we would like to admit. You don't have to be an insightful Christian to be able to see it's effects. The author I mentioned before who deals with marriages in our culture states it this way, "We live in a culture that promises us Teflon-smooth lives lived with a minimum of hardship and a maximum of gratification. We are, it follows, quick to substitute grievance and blame for acceptance when times get tough."
Our spouses quickly become the focus of our life's disappointments. If my life is not working out the way I planned than surely the problem is outside of myself. Something or someone is hindering what I desire and deserve.
Where does the gospel of Jesus fit into this? I would suggest the first place is within our own hearts not our marriage or circumstances. Am I willing to first determine the blind spots in my own vision that might even be hindering the very work of the gospel?
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
The unspoken values of our culture control us more than we would like to admit. You don't have to be an insightful Christian to be able to see it's effects. The author I mentioned before who deals with marriages in our culture states it this way, "We live in a culture that promises us Teflon-smooth lives lived with a minimum of hardship and a maximum of gratification. We are, it follows, quick to substitute grievance and blame for acceptance when times get tough."
Our spouses quickly become the focus of our life's disappointments. If my life is not working out the way I planned than surely the problem is outside of myself. Something or someone is hindering what I desire and deserve.
Where does the gospel of Jesus fit into this? I would suggest the first place is within our own hearts not our marriage or circumstances. Am I willing to first determine the blind spots in my own vision that might even be hindering the very work of the gospel?
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Marriage is Hard Work
Why does the secular world seem to understand better than the religious arena sometimes? I recently came across a book I picked up in the airport written by a secular psychologist. The title could be found in a Christian bookstore, The Marriage Benefit: The surprising rewards of staying together.
Here is a major premise of his work, "...in this age of fast and easy gratification giving things time is becoming a lost art."
I found myself convicted throughout the book as to how I have been shaped more by my culture and my own desires than than by the call of Christ. Just that one thought alone, "giving things time" is a haunting reminder to me of what is too often lacking. I hear more about why people want to give up on marriage than on how to make it work. Could it be because it's just too hard to truly grow in that relationship?
In a culture where we are obsessed with youth and euphoria we need a clear reminder to endure or "give things time." There is a direct parallel again between marriage and the Christian life. Jesus calls us to bear patiently or to give things time rather than assume His promises will not hold true. I fear that's also becoming a lost art in our Christian lives.
Here is a major premise of his work, "...in this age of fast and easy gratification giving things time is becoming a lost art."
I found myself convicted throughout the book as to how I have been shaped more by my culture and my own desires than than by the call of Christ. Just that one thought alone, "giving things time" is a haunting reminder to me of what is too often lacking. I hear more about why people want to give up on marriage than on how to make it work. Could it be because it's just too hard to truly grow in that relationship?
In a culture where we are obsessed with youth and euphoria we need a clear reminder to endure or "give things time." There is a direct parallel again between marriage and the Christian life. Jesus calls us to bear patiently or to give things time rather than assume His promises will not hold true. I fear that's also becoming a lost art in our Christian lives.
I'll be quoting often from this book in the future but for now remember this more important quote, "...let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith..."Heb.12:1,2
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