Who do you go to for advice? What makes you seek out understanding of things?
Too often we wait until things are almost at a high stress level or crises before we see our need for help. Our culture and our nature are prone to wait until we run out of our own energy and wisdom before soliciting support.
The Bible's basic message from the Lord is , "Take My Advice."
The wise person is the one who is in the habit of seeking advice in order to grow in life not merely reacting to it. A young man recently approached me with the phrase, "I'd like to get your advice." He had been married less than a year and wanted to talk about the place of the church in their lives. He had ideas but he also had questions. His desire was to establish a pattern of spiritual growth early on in his marriage to build on a foundation that would be a source of strength through every season of their lives.
He's a wise husband.
It took me back to my first year of marriage as well. I remember clearly two pieces of advice that came directly from scripture. Neither passage dealt directly with marriage but as I look back I realize they had everything to do with marriage. The first came by way of my best man, my brother, who gave me a gift with a simple verse, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Jesus has a way of saying things that cuts to the heart of the matter. That advice has been a haunting and powerful reminder for us as to the ultimate purpose of our lives and our marriage.
The second piece of advice came from the book of Proverbs, 3:5,6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths." Bev and I committed ourselves to this passage when we were young and naive but it has proven to be some of the best advice we ever received. We have learned many hard lessons when we realized we were more concerned about our hearts desires and wisdom than the glory of God. In the same way we have seen how Jesus has grown us in our love for Him and each other.
The key for all of us is to get into the habit of seeking advice. Godly counsel is a wonderful desire for every believer and every marriage. To cultivate the attitude that says to the Lord and His Word, "I'd like to get your advice on...."
Don't take my word for it - take the Lord's advice.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
"Trust me I know What I'm Doing"
"Marriages grow sour when spouses engage in surgery casually, carelessly, or without the informed consent of the patient. But marriage becomes sweet when spouses, recognizing that each one will probably need corrective surgery from time to time, give one another permission to wield the scalpel as needed." When Sinners Say I Do, Dave Harvey
Can I trust my spouse with the knife? What if it really hurts? Maybe it would be better to live with the disease!
Trust is a hard thing.
I have to trust not only my spouse but the God who brought that one into my life. That imperfect vessel can actually be used of God to bring about perfection in my life. I want to find reasons not to listen or let my wife "cut" me open. I want to determine when the surgery is needed and how it is to be administered. I want to be the one who says, "Trust me, I know What I'm Doing!"
Yet if I can't trust my spouse in the spiritual realm at times than how can we grow in ways that truly reflects Jesus and not some religious subculture? The one another passages are as relevant to our marriages as they are to the body of Christ.
"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4:15,16
We can't do that unless we can trust each other, unless we are willing to listen and believe that the Sovereign God can and will work through others he brings into our lives.
It's not so much that we have to listen to our spouses as we do the Lord when he says, "Trust Me I know What I'm doing!"
Can I trust my spouse with the knife? What if it really hurts? Maybe it would be better to live with the disease!
Trust is a hard thing.
I have to trust not only my spouse but the God who brought that one into my life. That imperfect vessel can actually be used of God to bring about perfection in my life. I want to find reasons not to listen or let my wife "cut" me open. I want to determine when the surgery is needed and how it is to be administered. I want to be the one who says, "Trust me, I know What I'm Doing!"
Yet if I can't trust my spouse in the spiritual realm at times than how can we grow in ways that truly reflects Jesus and not some religious subculture? The one another passages are as relevant to our marriages as they are to the body of Christ.
"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4:15,16
We can't do that unless we can trust each other, unless we are willing to listen and believe that the Sovereign God can and will work through others he brings into our lives.
It's not so much that we have to listen to our spouses as we do the Lord when he says, "Trust Me I know What I'm doing!"
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Man To Man Talk
This past weekend I had the privilege of having an hour alone with my son and and son-in-law. We spent the time talking "man to man" about life and marriage. We were not simply comparing notes to see who had it better but honestly talking about the blessings and challenges of being married.
It was like an out of body experience. I was listening to these young men talking about loving their wives and at the same time remembering my early years in marriage.
Where did the years go?!
I asked them what they had learned so far about marriage and their response was almost in unison, "it's hard work!" As we talked it was obvious they were not regretting being married but honestly and maturely expressing their feelings. They were learning the necessity and the benefit of learning to say no to some of their own desires for the sake of their spouses. I think we left feeling we had more in common than we realized and encouraged to work even harder.
We also realized we were not just talking about marriage but the call of Christ.
That brief time was a powerful reminder to me especially as to how the Lord has used my wife as an instrument of sanctification. The character issues of the gospel are more clearly brought to bear when you have to listen to, love, and learn from someone who is always in your life. The Christan life, like marriage, is hard work but in the grace of Christ both will produce growth in life and glory to God.
I pray these young men will continue on in this joyful struggle in marriage and the Christian life. I pray as well that they will continue to have man to man talk with other men and especially the Son of Man for the rest of their married life.
It was like an out of body experience. I was listening to these young men talking about loving their wives and at the same time remembering my early years in marriage.
Where did the years go?!
I asked them what they had learned so far about marriage and their response was almost in unison, "it's hard work!" As we talked it was obvious they were not regretting being married but honestly and maturely expressing their feelings. They were learning the necessity and the benefit of learning to say no to some of their own desires for the sake of their spouses. I think we left feeling we had more in common than we realized and encouraged to work even harder.
We also realized we were not just talking about marriage but the call of Christ.
That brief time was a powerful reminder to me especially as to how the Lord has used my wife as an instrument of sanctification. The character issues of the gospel are more clearly brought to bear when you have to listen to, love, and learn from someone who is always in your life. The Christan life, like marriage, is hard work but in the grace of Christ both will produce growth in life and glory to God.
I pray these young men will continue on in this joyful struggle in marriage and the Christian life. I pray as well that they will continue to have man to man talk with other men and especially the Son of Man for the rest of their married life.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Rescue Me
"Your spouse was a strategic choice made by a wise and loving God. Selected by him, for you, from the beginning of the world, your spouse is an essential part of God's rescue mission for your life."
The above quote is from When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey. In the book he highlights the challenges and the blessings of being married to another sinner - in Christ.
There is a lot to think about in his quote.
What if I really believed that God intentionally chose my spouse for me from the foundation of the world? This was His design for me that my spouse would bring out the issues of life in Jesus in a way that was perfectly suited for me. Your husband or wife is primarily an instrument from the hand of God to be used for your sanctification.
In a real sense your partner is there to protect you from yourself. The tendency is to see life from your own needs and perspectives and then determine how everyone else fits into that worldview. The fact that we get on each others nerves at times is not necessarily bad but could actually be part of God's plan to make us deal more directly with Him.
The Apostle Paul in Romans 12 tells followers of Christ, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment..." To have a true biblical view of ourselves we need only go to the cross. You and I had nothing worthy of God's love but because of our condition Jesus took that judgment on Himself. To reflect on the price paid for our sins on Calvary will produce "sober judgment" as to how we view others and especially our spouses.
Our marriages are the place where the cross is to be seen most visibly.
We can't really reflect the gospel if we are more concerned with ourselves than growing with our partner in Christ. Be thankful that God, who knows best, saw fit to bring that person in your life to help you fall more in love with Him than yourself!
The above quote is from When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey. In the book he highlights the challenges and the blessings of being married to another sinner - in Christ.
There is a lot to think about in his quote.
What if I really believed that God intentionally chose my spouse for me from the foundation of the world? This was His design for me that my spouse would bring out the issues of life in Jesus in a way that was perfectly suited for me. Your husband or wife is primarily an instrument from the hand of God to be used for your sanctification.
In a real sense your partner is there to protect you from yourself. The tendency is to see life from your own needs and perspectives and then determine how everyone else fits into that worldview. The fact that we get on each others nerves at times is not necessarily bad but could actually be part of God's plan to make us deal more directly with Him.
The Apostle Paul in Romans 12 tells followers of Christ, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment..." To have a true biblical view of ourselves we need only go to the cross. You and I had nothing worthy of God's love but because of our condition Jesus took that judgment on Himself. To reflect on the price paid for our sins on Calvary will produce "sober judgment" as to how we view others and especially our spouses.
Our marriages are the place where the cross is to be seen most visibly.
We can't really reflect the gospel if we are more concerned with ourselves than growing with our partner in Christ. Be thankful that God, who knows best, saw fit to bring that person in your life to help you fall more in love with Him than yourself!
Monday, April 6, 2009
A Panoramic View
I feel like I live most of my life through a narrow, close up lens. The focus is mostly on me and my circumstances. That could make for a very boring and monotonous movie - not to mention a boring life as well!!
The power of the movie screen is seen when the camera pulls back to reveal all the other factors involved in the scene or story. Whether it's a military battle, or landscape scene the story line is much more engaging and exciting.
I need a panoramic view of life!
As a Christian who believes God's word, the Bible, I am reminded in 2Peter 1 that "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." The problem occurs when I loose that perspective. Peter addresses that issue a view verses later when he gives an answer as to why we are not growing in Christ as we should. "For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind..."
There's that narrow lens again. When I only see what is in front of me I loose sight of the big picture which in Peter's view is to loose sight of the cross. The greatest daily challenge is not to see or worse yet, forget that "I have been cleansed from my sins."
What does that have to do with marriage?
I think we need a panoramic view of our marriages. To see as God sees. There is a lot more going on in our homes and marriages than just getting along. God is endeavoring to do a deeper work in our hearts that is centered not on us but on His Son. The purpose of our marriage is the same for the Christian life - to bring glory to God by becoming more and more like Jesus. The daily challenges and blessings are part of a bigger script and we need to be reminded of the eternal perspective of all that is happening. My husband or wife is a part of God's plan to bring about that work in my life.
What difference would it make if I knew that the script had already been written from all eternity? God had carefully and compassionately planned for my salvation and my sanctification. My role is not to rewrite the plot but to rest in Him and try to see the big picture every day. To believe that "for those who love God all things work together for my good and His glory."
May God make us husbands and wives who are even more concerned about the big picture as much as we are the daily scenes in our lives.
The power of the movie screen is seen when the camera pulls back to reveal all the other factors involved in the scene or story. Whether it's a military battle, or landscape scene the story line is much more engaging and exciting.
I need a panoramic view of life!
As a Christian who believes God's word, the Bible, I am reminded in 2Peter 1 that "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." The problem occurs when I loose that perspective. Peter addresses that issue a view verses later when he gives an answer as to why we are not growing in Christ as we should. "For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind..."
There's that narrow lens again. When I only see what is in front of me I loose sight of the big picture which in Peter's view is to loose sight of the cross. The greatest daily challenge is not to see or worse yet, forget that "I have been cleansed from my sins."
What does that have to do with marriage?
I think we need a panoramic view of our marriages. To see as God sees. There is a lot more going on in our homes and marriages than just getting along. God is endeavoring to do a deeper work in our hearts that is centered not on us but on His Son. The purpose of our marriage is the same for the Christian life - to bring glory to God by becoming more and more like Jesus. The daily challenges and blessings are part of a bigger script and we need to be reminded of the eternal perspective of all that is happening. My husband or wife is a part of God's plan to bring about that work in my life.
What difference would it make if I knew that the script had already been written from all eternity? God had carefully and compassionately planned for my salvation and my sanctification. My role is not to rewrite the plot but to rest in Him and try to see the big picture every day. To believe that "for those who love God all things work together for my good and His glory."
May God make us husbands and wives who are even more concerned about the big picture as much as we are the daily scenes in our lives.
Monday, March 30, 2009
We're SO Different!
"God's plan is for great diversity, but with no division in the body of Christ. The same is true in the marriage relationship. Think of yourself and your spouse as two puzzle pieces fitting together. God created us to complement or complete each other. That's one purpose of marriage.
A second purpose is to place us in a situation in which change is demanded.
Our differences _when understood, appreciated, and allowed to be used by God - are those things God created for the great purpose of conforming us to the image of His Son (or, as Proverbs puts it, to sharpen one another). What do you get when iron rubs against iron? Heat. Sparks fly. But if the pieces are rubbed in the right way, they inevitably sharpen each other."
This quote comes from a book, Opposites Attract by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It's been a great reminder for Bev and I as we work through issues and in particular the place of the gospel in our marriage. Too often our differences become the problem and we end up attacking rather than sharpening each other.
What if we truly believed our differences were actually ordained of God for the purpose of growing us in Jesus personally as well as corporately? If we believe God is sovereign then that means He brought us together with our differences intentionally. He wants to do something to and with us that is more important than us. We "get on each other's nerves" not because God is out to make us miserable but to make us more like His Son.
I think we give up too soon.
It's hard work. Who wants to admit to sin and pride? It's easier to put up with or tolerate our spouses than to put on Christ and learn from them.
The Apostle Paul had great concerns for how the gospel was to honored among those who claimed the name of Jesus. Romans 12 is a clear picture of Paul's passion for the honor of Christ personally and relationally. For example when he says in Romans 12:3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment... and again in verse 10, Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. These are not mere platitudes but expected out workings of the gospel in our lives. I love the phrase, "Outdo one another in showing honor." The implication is to think more about the other person than yourself. What would that look like in a Christ centered marriage? How would that affect the way we see our differences? To see as Jesus sees, to love as Jesus loves, not primarily for our sakes but for Jesus' sake. All of this occurs in the context of Paul describing the body of Christ as consisting of many different gifts and how we are to view each other.
What better context to work out and appreciate differences than our marriages?!! May God grant us a renewed desire to appreciate our differences and use them for His glory.
A second purpose is to place us in a situation in which change is demanded.
Our differences _when understood, appreciated, and allowed to be used by God - are those things God created for the great purpose of conforming us to the image of His Son (or, as Proverbs puts it, to sharpen one another). What do you get when iron rubs against iron? Heat. Sparks fly. But if the pieces are rubbed in the right way, they inevitably sharpen each other."
This quote comes from a book, Opposites Attract by Jack and Carole Mayhall. It's been a great reminder for Bev and I as we work through issues and in particular the place of the gospel in our marriage. Too often our differences become the problem and we end up attacking rather than sharpening each other.
What if we truly believed our differences were actually ordained of God for the purpose of growing us in Jesus personally as well as corporately? If we believe God is sovereign then that means He brought us together with our differences intentionally. He wants to do something to and with us that is more important than us. We "get on each other's nerves" not because God is out to make us miserable but to make us more like His Son.
I think we give up too soon.
It's hard work. Who wants to admit to sin and pride? It's easier to put up with or tolerate our spouses than to put on Christ and learn from them.
The Apostle Paul had great concerns for how the gospel was to honored among those who claimed the name of Jesus. Romans 12 is a clear picture of Paul's passion for the honor of Christ personally and relationally. For example when he says in Romans 12:3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment... and again in verse 10, Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. These are not mere platitudes but expected out workings of the gospel in our lives. I love the phrase, "Outdo one another in showing honor." The implication is to think more about the other person than yourself. What would that look like in a Christ centered marriage? How would that affect the way we see our differences? To see as Jesus sees, to love as Jesus loves, not primarily for our sakes but for Jesus' sake. All of this occurs in the context of Paul describing the body of Christ as consisting of many different gifts and how we are to view each other.
What better context to work out and appreciate differences than our marriages?!! May God grant us a renewed desire to appreciate our differences and use them for His glory.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
A New Definition of Love
"We need a definition of love that serves as an antidote to our modern belief that life is as it should be only when feel-good chemicals are coursing through the pleasure centers of our brains. We need a definition of love that embraces romance and passion ... yet still encourages us to appreciate the way in which love can help us to evolve and grow, through the early months of romance, through more tempered attachment, through building a life together, through aging, and , inevitably, through loss - through all of the seasons of a married life. We need a definition of love that doesn't encourage us to devote our relationships to the single-minded pursuit of keeping romance alive, because the more actively we pursue passion the more elusive it becomes.
And we need, above all, a definition of love that can help us to live and love with, rather than against, the natural course of time and human nature."
This quote is not from a Christian counseling book on marriage but rather from a book I've mentioned before, The Marriage Benefit by Mark O'Connell. He is a secular psychologist who exposes a screaming need in marriage that only a biblical view can truly satisfy. We need a definition of love that spans a lifetime which is rooted not in our own happiness and needs but in the journey of working out love in the context of a partner who shares that commitment.
Easier said than done. If it's not divorce it's emotional suicide. The statistics of broken marriages are depressing and distressing. And the response of our culture as well as the church? "That's just the way life is."
We need a new definition of love.
"...and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:7,10
For too many of us as professing Christians this is an appendage to our marriages rather than the essence of them. How often do I yearn and hunger to understand my identify with Christ? One who has been born of God. One who knows God. I cannot truly know love apart from God, in Christ and the more I know and understand Him the more I will reflect his love out of gratitude not mere obligation.
Perhaps to our shame we as professing Christians have looked for love more to the world and ourselves than to the scriptures. We want quick answers to our disappointments rather than believing the all sufficient love of God in Christ.
The implications are serious and demand hard work.
That's a theme for another blog on another day!
And we need, above all, a definition of love that can help us to live and love with, rather than against, the natural course of time and human nature."
This quote is not from a Christian counseling book on marriage but rather from a book I've mentioned before, The Marriage Benefit by Mark O'Connell. He is a secular psychologist who exposes a screaming need in marriage that only a biblical view can truly satisfy. We need a definition of love that spans a lifetime which is rooted not in our own happiness and needs but in the journey of working out love in the context of a partner who shares that commitment.
Easier said than done. If it's not divorce it's emotional suicide. The statistics of broken marriages are depressing and distressing. And the response of our culture as well as the church? "That's just the way life is."
We need a new definition of love.
"...and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:7,10
For too many of us as professing Christians this is an appendage to our marriages rather than the essence of them. How often do I yearn and hunger to understand my identify with Christ? One who has been born of God. One who knows God. I cannot truly know love apart from God, in Christ and the more I know and understand Him the more I will reflect his love out of gratitude not mere obligation.
Perhaps to our shame we as professing Christians have looked for love more to the world and ourselves than to the scriptures. We want quick answers to our disappointments rather than believing the all sufficient love of God in Christ.
The implications are serious and demand hard work.
That's a theme for another blog on another day!
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