When dear friends move away or when we lose loved ones our minds quickly fill with things we miss about them. Whether it's conversations, trips, smiles or trials we suddenly hold more dear those memories and don't want to loose them.
I miss my mother's voice. She has been gone almost three months now and I have been frantically searching my phone for a recorded message from her. I had erased most of them and realized on this earth I will never hear her live voice again.
I miss her.
What I so often took for granted is now gone. My heart and mind are filled with memories that are all the more precious. Mom was always in my world through childhood and adult life. When I now recall those memories I find great encouragement and gratitude to God for her life and love.
The Apostle Paul loved to remember. While in jail he wrote to the Philippian church and made some emotional statements of how he missed his fellow believers. "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you...God is my witness how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus." He missed what he had and hungered to have more fellowship with them.
Our marriages and families should be a place where memories are made. These photos in our mind are not just for holding onto when people leave us but are also to be a daily appreciation of what we have when we are together. Ideally, a marriage should be a place where you see how God has not only sustained you through each other but how he has blessed you with each other as well. Yes, life can be hard even with memories we would like to forget but the underlying mercy and love of God proves to be the best platform for memories. In a real sense Paul was saying to these believers he was separated from, "I miss you!" He missed their faces and conversations but he also wanted to remind them of what they learned, like, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
There is great power in shared memories in our marriages and one of the fruits of that union is a growing desire to be together to create more. It's not a shallow sentimentality but an honest realization of the need to be and grow together in life and in Jesus.
Imagine what it would look and feel like to have an awareness that is expressed in some form daily that says,
"I miss you."
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Lessons of Life
Life is one big classroom.
This can be especially true when it comes to the institution of marriage. Every season seems to bring unique challenges to learn something new. For example, you discovered early on in your "marital bliss" that you are not as unselfish as you thought. Some personal habits of your mate became personal conflicts and you had to learn what it meant to compromise.
Some lessons we have to learn over and over again. Like commitment or being true to your word. As a married couple you took vows. The essence of those vows is that you commit to learning and growing together. For many husbands, an ongoing lesson is that words are not enough. We can take our wives and their needs for granted. We need to learn to love them practically and creatively. For wives it might be the ongoing challenge to respect and submit. When a wife becomes too focused on what might be lacking in her husband it can hinder her ability to see the strengths he does bring.
When do we stop learning?
I'm in a lesson learning or relearning mood lately. My mom died a few weeks ago and it is still fresh in my mind and heart. Dad preceded her by about 12 years. They are both gone. Their earthly marriage is over. At the same time there is an elderly couple in our church and the husband is perhaps in his final weeks or months of life. What lessons have they learned that will carry them through this final season. They have been married over 50 years and I have had the privilege of watching them and listening to them. The have learned some precious lessons in life.
Two of the many lessons they have been teaching me is that life is precious and brief. They are working even harder now to make the most of the moments and days the Lord has left for them. She knows she will be saying goodbye so she wants to reaffirm those vows she took many years ago. "In sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, til death do us part." They have learned and relearned those vows over the years so they can rest in that love even now.
The other lesson that comes screaming through is their quiet confidence in Jesus. He indeed has been their foundation. In life and now in death they have learned that their hope is not primarily in their marital love but in the love of Christ. There is sorrow and fear but there is also faith.
They are learning anew what they learned many years ago. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me..." Psalm 23:4 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
May we be couples who learn the gospel. Over and Over again. And may others see that our ultimate hope is in the one who never changes, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
This can be especially true when it comes to the institution of marriage. Every season seems to bring unique challenges to learn something new. For example, you discovered early on in your "marital bliss" that you are not as unselfish as you thought. Some personal habits of your mate became personal conflicts and you had to learn what it meant to compromise.
Some lessons we have to learn over and over again. Like commitment or being true to your word. As a married couple you took vows. The essence of those vows is that you commit to learning and growing together. For many husbands, an ongoing lesson is that words are not enough. We can take our wives and their needs for granted. We need to learn to love them practically and creatively. For wives it might be the ongoing challenge to respect and submit. When a wife becomes too focused on what might be lacking in her husband it can hinder her ability to see the strengths he does bring.
When do we stop learning?
I'm in a lesson learning or relearning mood lately. My mom died a few weeks ago and it is still fresh in my mind and heart. Dad preceded her by about 12 years. They are both gone. Their earthly marriage is over. At the same time there is an elderly couple in our church and the husband is perhaps in his final weeks or months of life. What lessons have they learned that will carry them through this final season. They have been married over 50 years and I have had the privilege of watching them and listening to them. The have learned some precious lessons in life.
Two of the many lessons they have been teaching me is that life is precious and brief. They are working even harder now to make the most of the moments and days the Lord has left for them. She knows she will be saying goodbye so she wants to reaffirm those vows she took many years ago. "In sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, til death do us part." They have learned and relearned those vows over the years so they can rest in that love even now.
The other lesson that comes screaming through is their quiet confidence in Jesus. He indeed has been their foundation. In life and now in death they have learned that their hope is not primarily in their marital love but in the love of Christ. There is sorrow and fear but there is also faith.
They are learning anew what they learned many years ago. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me..." Psalm 23:4 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6
May we be couples who learn the gospel. Over and Over again. And may others see that our ultimate hope is in the one who never changes, who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Quiet Marriage
Everybody wants to be seen, heard and remembered.
That often takes the form of making your voice heard or picture seen in the market place. Just look at the social networks out there and all the information given. The friend base that we have can subtly be seen as our fan club and the need to keep ourselves in front of that network. Our identity can be more in who knows me "out there" and remembers me than who I live with every day.
Yes, we all need friends and people to encourage us but we can get so caught up in maintaining those relationships that we ignore the ones right in front of us. Just ask my wife! I love people and thrive on personal interaction. This can too easily make her feel that our relationship is not enough. There is something unique and God-ordained about the marriage relationship that should be different from all the rest. It can't simply be one of many wonderful connections in my network but must be a special connection that I don't have with anyone else.
The quiet marriage is the restful marriage. It's a place where I don't need to showcase or network myself or have my voice heard. It's a place where I can rest in the love of my spouse and give that same restful love in return. Ideally, because we know each other so well and know the Lord I can assume a love that is constant, forgiving and ever present. In the purist sense it is a place that I can't wait to come home to. A quiet refuge where less is more.
That kind of marriage can only come out of our marriage to Christ. His uniqueness in our lives will bring a unique love to our union with our spouse. A love that is "...patient and kind...does not envy or boast...is not arrogant or rude...does not insist on its own way....is not irritable or resentful...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13
Yes it takes hard work but for all the right reasons. Your marriage is not just another social arena but it is to be the place where the essence of the gospel is to be worked out and seen. May your quiet marriage be a place where the voice of Jesus is heard and the love of God seen.
That often takes the form of making your voice heard or picture seen in the market place. Just look at the social networks out there and all the information given. The friend base that we have can subtly be seen as our fan club and the need to keep ourselves in front of that network. Our identity can be more in who knows me "out there" and remembers me than who I live with every day.
Yes, we all need friends and people to encourage us but we can get so caught up in maintaining those relationships that we ignore the ones right in front of us. Just ask my wife! I love people and thrive on personal interaction. This can too easily make her feel that our relationship is not enough. There is something unique and God-ordained about the marriage relationship that should be different from all the rest. It can't simply be one of many wonderful connections in my network but must be a special connection that I don't have with anyone else.
The quiet marriage is the restful marriage. It's a place where I don't need to showcase or network myself or have my voice heard. It's a place where I can rest in the love of my spouse and give that same restful love in return. Ideally, because we know each other so well and know the Lord I can assume a love that is constant, forgiving and ever present. In the purist sense it is a place that I can't wait to come home to. A quiet refuge where less is more.
That kind of marriage can only come out of our marriage to Christ. His uniqueness in our lives will bring a unique love to our union with our spouse. A love that is "...patient and kind...does not envy or boast...is not arrogant or rude...does not insist on its own way....is not irritable or resentful...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13
Yes it takes hard work but for all the right reasons. Your marriage is not just another social arena but it is to be the place where the essence of the gospel is to be worked out and seen. May your quiet marriage be a place where the voice of Jesus is heard and the love of God seen.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Today and Tomorrow
How does today affect my tomorrows?
Each day seems to have its own agenda. I can plan my day but what about the interruptions? We are called to make the most of our today's but what do we do when our today's make a mess of us?! Too often we end the day feeling like we have wasted it rather than used it well.
If you have too many days like that it can definitely effect your tomorrows. You start assuming things that actually hinder hope instead of renewing it. Call it stress, depression or disappointment it just makes it harder to try harder.
One of the fist places this is seen is in our relationships. It can be hard to give to those closest to us when we feel like the day has literally sucked the life out of us. A bad day at the office or a bad day at home can be a formula for a bad tomorrow in our marriage. Instead of seeing our marriage and home as a refuge it feels like another burden to bear. Granted, there can be some legitimate issues of the day that wear us down but the subtle and dangerous assumption is that my marriage is another arena of challenge rather than a mutual oasis.
The call of the Christian life is to bring the presence of Jesus to bear on every relationship in my life and especially in my marriage. I want to live my life "in Christ" before my spouse believing that Jesus really is with me and is in control. The problem is I can't do that tomorrow unless I have been practicing living in his presence today. To merely put up with life until I come home doesn't really prepare me for bringing Christ home.
Jesus' promise is that he is with every one of our today's and there is no better hope for our tomorrows than that guarantee. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27 Jesus' peaceful presence is not another pill to take when I need help but a rock solid presence to rest upon every minute of every day.
Work as hard at living in his presence today as you do in surviving each day and watch what he does with your tomorrows.
Each day seems to have its own agenda. I can plan my day but what about the interruptions? We are called to make the most of our today's but what do we do when our today's make a mess of us?! Too often we end the day feeling like we have wasted it rather than used it well.
If you have too many days like that it can definitely effect your tomorrows. You start assuming things that actually hinder hope instead of renewing it. Call it stress, depression or disappointment it just makes it harder to try harder.
One of the fist places this is seen is in our relationships. It can be hard to give to those closest to us when we feel like the day has literally sucked the life out of us. A bad day at the office or a bad day at home can be a formula for a bad tomorrow in our marriage. Instead of seeing our marriage and home as a refuge it feels like another burden to bear. Granted, there can be some legitimate issues of the day that wear us down but the subtle and dangerous assumption is that my marriage is another arena of challenge rather than a mutual oasis.
The call of the Christian life is to bring the presence of Jesus to bear on every relationship in my life and especially in my marriage. I want to live my life "in Christ" before my spouse believing that Jesus really is with me and is in control. The problem is I can't do that tomorrow unless I have been practicing living in his presence today. To merely put up with life until I come home doesn't really prepare me for bringing Christ home.
Jesus' promise is that he is with every one of our today's and there is no better hope for our tomorrows than that guarantee. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27 Jesus' peaceful presence is not another pill to take when I need help but a rock solid presence to rest upon every minute of every day.
Work as hard at living in his presence today as you do in surviving each day and watch what he does with your tomorrows.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Who Are You?
What I do determines who I am. Whether it's an engineer, a teacher, a doctor, a painter, a carpenter or even a minister. We often find our identity primarily in our functions.
A secondary place we find our identity is in our relationships. A son or a daughter, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a good friend and the list goes on. Where would we be if we didn't feel like we belonged to someone?
Yet in so many marriages today we limit our identity to our role and relationship with our husband or wife. We each need a special place of significance in our relationships. What happens when there is disappointment in one another? When a husband or wife does not live up to our expectations? There could be a silent war in the soul thinking I could be happier if he or she would only....
The constant battle in the Christian life is to look to something or someone else for my identity besides Jesus. That might seem like a "no brainer" to many of us professing followers of Jesus but I think the battle is deeper than we realize. It's not only deeper but it's daily. I am tempted every day to find myself in my world rather than in the gospel.
If it goes unchecked it will suck the life out of a marriage and even kill it. That's a pretty dramatic statement but I believe it's that serious. If you get in the habit of expecting your mate to meet your needs in a way that only Jesus can you will dry up and give up. Every day we are tempted to turn our eyes away from Christ. To find identity in what's in front of us rather than who has gone before us.
James, the earthly brother of Jesus, found his identity in Jesus not only as his brother but especially as his Lord. There was no earthly relationship that could compare. No one else was to be his life or Lord. James opened his letter with a bold statement of his identity. "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ..." He could have listed his many functions and relationships, including his brother Jesus but he wanted the world to know the relationship that transcended every other one.
Jesus as LORD.
Husband or wife - Who Are You? May today and everyday be one in which the Spirit of Jesus reminds you of who you really are. And may that identity be seen not only in your marriage but in every arena of your life.
A secondary place we find our identity is in our relationships. A son or a daughter, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a good friend and the list goes on. Where would we be if we didn't feel like we belonged to someone?
Yet in so many marriages today we limit our identity to our role and relationship with our husband or wife. We each need a special place of significance in our relationships. What happens when there is disappointment in one another? When a husband or wife does not live up to our expectations? There could be a silent war in the soul thinking I could be happier if he or she would only....
The constant battle in the Christian life is to look to something or someone else for my identity besides Jesus. That might seem like a "no brainer" to many of us professing followers of Jesus but I think the battle is deeper than we realize. It's not only deeper but it's daily. I am tempted every day to find myself in my world rather than in the gospel.
If it goes unchecked it will suck the life out of a marriage and even kill it. That's a pretty dramatic statement but I believe it's that serious. If you get in the habit of expecting your mate to meet your needs in a way that only Jesus can you will dry up and give up. Every day we are tempted to turn our eyes away from Christ. To find identity in what's in front of us rather than who has gone before us.
James, the earthly brother of Jesus, found his identity in Jesus not only as his brother but especially as his Lord. There was no earthly relationship that could compare. No one else was to be his life or Lord. James opened his letter with a bold statement of his identity. "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ..." He could have listed his many functions and relationships, including his brother Jesus but he wanted the world to know the relationship that transcended every other one.
Jesus as LORD.
Husband or wife - Who Are You? May today and everyday be one in which the Spirit of Jesus reminds you of who you really are. And may that identity be seen not only in your marriage but in every arena of your life.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Where Were You?
Where were you on September 11th 2001?
Virtually all of us can remember what has felt like our Pearl Harbor. To be attacked so violently and shockingly felt like the end of the world. Our "secure" country and world was now vulnerable and literally crumbling down beneath us. I was at Westminster Seminary in Philadelphia glued to the TV watching in disbelief with several students who were from New York city. There were tears, prayers and a day long mourning of what we were seeing unfold before our very eyes.
I'll never forget where I was.
Significant events often produce significant memories. They don't always have to be tragic ones either- graduations, weddings, the birth of a child. The photographs in our minds quickly recapture the feelings of those days. And not only the feelings but especially the people we shared those moments with. Friendships and relational bonds become all the more precious as the years go by. As relational beings God has designed us to go through life together. To share those joys and sorrows together.
One of the many blessings of marriage is to have your partner in all of life's experiences. To know that in every season of life I have a God-ordained husband/wife to share the journey with. To know that we will be able to look back on those momentous events in life and not have to ask, "Where were you?" Instead to know that he or she was there all along.
One of the strongest themes of the Bible is God's constant reminder to never forget. The history of God's love to his people is filled with very significant events. Whether it's crossing the Red Sea or watching the walls of Jericho come down, the Lord wanted them to remember where they were and who they were with. Even Jesus himself would tell his disciples to take common and ordinary elements of bread and wine and tell them to remember him - to never forget.
Yet one of the tragedies and limitations of life is that we can't always be with each other during some of those life-changing events. No matter how hard we try we just can't be there and that can be very disappointing. Yet one of the richest benefits of our marriage to Christ is the guarantee that he will always be there. Even the best marriage can never give us what we ultimately need. A forgiving love that can never be lost or taken away.
Only the love of Jesus is both the means and the end. A marriage built on his foundation will produce a life of memories and a legacy of his faithfulness. Cherish the years you have together and the vows you have made but don't ever forget the greatest promise ever made by God to his people and fulfilled in the death and resurrection of his Son, "I will never leave you nor forsake you.' Hebrews 13:5
Virtually all of us can remember what has felt like our Pearl Harbor. To be attacked so violently and shockingly felt like the end of the world. Our "secure" country and world was now vulnerable and literally crumbling down beneath us. I was at Westminster Seminary in Philadelphia glued to the TV watching in disbelief with several students who were from New York city. There were tears, prayers and a day long mourning of what we were seeing unfold before our very eyes.
I'll never forget where I was.
Significant events often produce significant memories. They don't always have to be tragic ones either- graduations, weddings, the birth of a child. The photographs in our minds quickly recapture the feelings of those days. And not only the feelings but especially the people we shared those moments with. Friendships and relational bonds become all the more precious as the years go by. As relational beings God has designed us to go through life together. To share those joys and sorrows together.
One of the many blessings of marriage is to have your partner in all of life's experiences. To know that in every season of life I have a God-ordained husband/wife to share the journey with. To know that we will be able to look back on those momentous events in life and not have to ask, "Where were you?" Instead to know that he or she was there all along.
One of the strongest themes of the Bible is God's constant reminder to never forget. The history of God's love to his people is filled with very significant events. Whether it's crossing the Red Sea or watching the walls of Jericho come down, the Lord wanted them to remember where they were and who they were with. Even Jesus himself would tell his disciples to take common and ordinary elements of bread and wine and tell them to remember him - to never forget.
Yet one of the tragedies and limitations of life is that we can't always be with each other during some of those life-changing events. No matter how hard we try we just can't be there and that can be very disappointing. Yet one of the richest benefits of our marriage to Christ is the guarantee that he will always be there. Even the best marriage can never give us what we ultimately need. A forgiving love that can never be lost or taken away.
Only the love of Jesus is both the means and the end. A marriage built on his foundation will produce a life of memories and a legacy of his faithfulness. Cherish the years you have together and the vows you have made but don't ever forget the greatest promise ever made by God to his people and fulfilled in the death and resurrection of his Son, "I will never leave you nor forsake you.' Hebrews 13:5
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Blessing of Children or "From Cruise to Warp speed!"
The blessing and presence of children in a marriage typically puts life in higher speed that only seems to accelerate with each passing year. Most married couples look forward with nervous anticipation to the day when God would bless them with children to nurture and disciple. To hold in our arms that gift of love and to play and grow with this life is one of the highest callings.
Yet at the same time one of our greatest fears is realized. We have less and less time for each other. The focus has somewhat shifted from us to our children. That is not necessarily bad but it can feel weird. We no longer have the luxury of sitting down and processing life with just the two of us. Someone in the other room is crying or calling us and suddenly we are making the first of innumerable life adjustments!
How do you maintain and grow your marriage with children around and not simply put it on hold? The pace of life picks up, the demands on time increase and we are just plain tired!
In God's providence could one of the reasons for children be that we actually appreciate each other more? Rather than taking each other for granted we become even more grateful for the times we have together. As I look back on life I am amazed at how much time I have wasted not only on myself but with my wife. I should have been more creative and thoughtful to make the most of those in between times.
A little bit can go a long way.
Yes, the presence of children sets you on a new trajectory for much of life but it doesn't mean you set aside the closeness you desire and need from your husband or wife. You can and should do two things at the same time.
As Christians our marriage to Christ has similar demands and challenges. Life is so demanding and so fast yet we are called to do two things at the same time. To "be in this world but not of it" and as Paul calls us daily to "Set you minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2
Let's renew our commitment to make the most of lesser moments we seem to have with our spouse and our Lord and watch how He blesses a lot with a little.
Yet at the same time one of our greatest fears is realized. We have less and less time for each other. The focus has somewhat shifted from us to our children. That is not necessarily bad but it can feel weird. We no longer have the luxury of sitting down and processing life with just the two of us. Someone in the other room is crying or calling us and suddenly we are making the first of innumerable life adjustments!
How do you maintain and grow your marriage with children around and not simply put it on hold? The pace of life picks up, the demands on time increase and we are just plain tired!
In God's providence could one of the reasons for children be that we actually appreciate each other more? Rather than taking each other for granted we become even more grateful for the times we have together. As I look back on life I am amazed at how much time I have wasted not only on myself but with my wife. I should have been more creative and thoughtful to make the most of those in between times.
A little bit can go a long way.
Yes, the presence of children sets you on a new trajectory for much of life but it doesn't mean you set aside the closeness you desire and need from your husband or wife. You can and should do two things at the same time.
As Christians our marriage to Christ has similar demands and challenges. Life is so demanding and so fast yet we are called to do two things at the same time. To "be in this world but not of it" and as Paul calls us daily to "Set you minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2
Let's renew our commitment to make the most of lesser moments we seem to have with our spouse and our Lord and watch how He blesses a lot with a little.
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