"I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong."
That should cover it. I have used that over the years in my marriage to try and let Bev know I care about our relationship. That usually lasts about ten seconds! She looks at me with that convicting smile which let's me know she hears me but knows that's not okay.
I hate confrontation and I hate having my sin exposed. Whether great or small it just hurts and I'd rather avoid it. Added to that shame is that fact that I have personally offended someone, especially my wife. There is a specific sin that I have committed intentionally or unintentionally that I have to take responsibility for. I can't play the card of, "I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong."
Marriage is one of the most powerful contexts for my sanctification. The place where my sin is most clearly exposed and the place where forgiveness is most clearly appreciated. The more I hold onto that unconfessed sin (great or small) the more our relationship becomes one of survival rather than growth. I need her love and acceptance but I also need her forgiveness. When we are not right than life is not right.
That sounds alot like our marriage to Christ. Jesus has come not merely to give me love and acceptance but to grant me forgiveness. He has taken away the guilt and the shame. I am free. I don't need to hide nor pretend. Yet when I hold on to those sins things are not right.
When we are not right than life is not right.
The daily call of the gospel is to a life of continual confession and forgiveness. No secrets. No games. His unconditional love is always there not to pity but to restore.
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Psalm 32:5
May our earthly marriages truly be a reflection of that heavenly marriage. A place where sins are confessed and forgiven. A place where you can truly be sorry and truly forgiven.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Trust Me
A growing marriage is a trusting marriage.
The vows we make at the beginning are statements that involve trust. That means I can rely on and have confidence in the fact you will take care of that which I'm giving you. We make vows to love, honor and cherish.
Those vows are exciting yet scary at the same time. Not only am I entrusting my life to someone but they are dong the same to me! What if we don't handle that trust well? We are trusting each other with many unknowns, like the future and our struggles in life. I'd like to believe we'll be able to handle every season of life by trusting each other but what if that trust is broken or challenged?
Here's a news flash: You can't be fully trusted!
We are sinners who at the end of the day are more concerned about our needs than others. We would never state that boldly but it really is our tendency. I can be better trusted when you take care of my needs first. That is not a statement to excuse our sin of selfishness but to keep the reality of the struggle on the table.
The beauty of a truly Christan marriage is that you are entrusting your life to a sinner who is even more concerned about trusting Jesus than just keeping you happy. If I have trusted Jesus with my life there will never be a time when I can't fully rely on him to keep his promise. His commitment to love, honor and cherish is pure and forever - he will never leave me nor forsake me. He has taken my broken promises and shame upon himself and given me his perfect obedience.
The call of the gospel in our marriages comes not from our spouse but from Jesus. It is that same call from beginning to end - "Trust Me." The chorus of the old gospel hymn calls us back to our first love,
Trust and obey for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus
but to trust and obey.
Today, let's try and be as concerned, (if not more) about our trusting relationship with our Lord than even our spouse.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6
The vows we make at the beginning are statements that involve trust. That means I can rely on and have confidence in the fact you will take care of that which I'm giving you. We make vows to love, honor and cherish.
Those vows are exciting yet scary at the same time. Not only am I entrusting my life to someone but they are dong the same to me! What if we don't handle that trust well? We are trusting each other with many unknowns, like the future and our struggles in life. I'd like to believe we'll be able to handle every season of life by trusting each other but what if that trust is broken or challenged?
Here's a news flash: You can't be fully trusted!
We are sinners who at the end of the day are more concerned about our needs than others. We would never state that boldly but it really is our tendency. I can be better trusted when you take care of my needs first. That is not a statement to excuse our sin of selfishness but to keep the reality of the struggle on the table.
The beauty of a truly Christan marriage is that you are entrusting your life to a sinner who is even more concerned about trusting Jesus than just keeping you happy. If I have trusted Jesus with my life there will never be a time when I can't fully rely on him to keep his promise. His commitment to love, honor and cherish is pure and forever - he will never leave me nor forsake me. He has taken my broken promises and shame upon himself and given me his perfect obedience.
The call of the gospel in our marriages comes not from our spouse but from Jesus. It is that same call from beginning to end - "Trust Me." The chorus of the old gospel hymn calls us back to our first love,
Trust and obey for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus
but to trust and obey.
Today, let's try and be as concerned, (if not more) about our trusting relationship with our Lord than even our spouse.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6
Monday, November 9, 2009
What Are You Thinking?
That can feel like an innocent question.
It can also feel invasive.
I fear one of the greatest hindrances to marriage is not necessarily the blatant ones as much as the subtle ones. Like the fact that so many of us have our own "private" world in our minds by which we process life. We often feel this unspoken pressure to resolve things in our lives without involving others, even our spouses. We get use to having a separate world where we go to deal with life and then selectively reveal the process and results.
One of the greatest fears wives have is that their husbands are living in two worlds. They have their world at home with them but then this "other" world they know little about. It doesn't mean they are thinking the worse, i.e. pornography, or adultery - they just want to know what we've been thinking.
When a husband and wife get used to processing life on their own then it becomes a habit. That habit can create an unintended consequence of being more concerned about survival than growth. That partner in life becomes another burden to bear rather than one to bear burdens with. Too many of us get to the point that we feel alone in our marriage. We have our own private world to help us cope with the disappointments and seasons of life.
Not only as a married couple but especially as professing Christians we must live lives of integrity and honesty. We should be known not for our secrets but for our truthfulness. "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another." Ephesians 2:25
So how do we alter this or prevent it from happening? Try asking this...
"What Are You Thinking?"
But don't stop there. As important as it might be to ask the question it's just as critical to answer it. We show our love and commitment by how we answer as well as how we ask.
Think about it.
It can also feel invasive.
I fear one of the greatest hindrances to marriage is not necessarily the blatant ones as much as the subtle ones. Like the fact that so many of us have our own "private" world in our minds by which we process life. We often feel this unspoken pressure to resolve things in our lives without involving others, even our spouses. We get use to having a separate world where we go to deal with life and then selectively reveal the process and results.
One of the greatest fears wives have is that their husbands are living in two worlds. They have their world at home with them but then this "other" world they know little about. It doesn't mean they are thinking the worse, i.e. pornography, or adultery - they just want to know what we've been thinking.
When a husband and wife get used to processing life on their own then it becomes a habit. That habit can create an unintended consequence of being more concerned about survival than growth. That partner in life becomes another burden to bear rather than one to bear burdens with. Too many of us get to the point that we feel alone in our marriage. We have our own private world to help us cope with the disappointments and seasons of life.
Not only as a married couple but especially as professing Christians we must live lives of integrity and honesty. We should be known not for our secrets but for our truthfulness. "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another." Ephesians 2:25
So how do we alter this or prevent it from happening? Try asking this...
"What Are You Thinking?"
But don't stop there. As important as it might be to ask the question it's just as critical to answer it. We show our love and commitment by how we answer as well as how we ask.
Think about it.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A Good Reminder
On a recent plane trip I sat next to a guy I found out was a fellow believer in Christ. That's always refreshing and often convicting! We talked alot about the state of the church and the need to take Christ more seriously in our lives and especially in our marriages and familes.
He shared an incident in his family life when one of his children, who are now adults, made a statement about their dad. He was working a lucrative job that demanded he travel frequently. At a parent/teacher conference the teacher shared a response one of his children gave to the question, "How many people are in your family?" The child said five when the teacher knew there were a total of six. When the teacher followed up with the question of why the child said five the response was, "Dad is never home."
It was one of those piercing and convicting works of God's Spirit that would literally change his life. Within a month he had given his notice to the company to change positions. He needed to be home during the strategic season of his kids lives and was willing to sacrifice his own career success for his wife and children.
The point here is not to say if you travel for your work you are messing up your family!
This follower of Jesus knew he had made his career more important than his family. He wanted to make a different statement as a result.
Life really is short and we shouldn't loose the opportunities that God gives us to pass on to our children a legacy that is seen in our lives as well as our words. Jesus knew that what we do with our today's will have an effect on our tomorrows. There are so many daily distractions that take our eyes off the real issues of life.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33
Our marriages are the first place our children look to understand what it means to to follow Jesus. May you be partners in life who share that common goal of the honor of Christ. An honor that is willing to say no to the things of the world for the sake of the gospel.
I just thought I would pass on a Good Reminder.
He shared an incident in his family life when one of his children, who are now adults, made a statement about their dad. He was working a lucrative job that demanded he travel frequently. At a parent/teacher conference the teacher shared a response one of his children gave to the question, "How many people are in your family?" The child said five when the teacher knew there were a total of six. When the teacher followed up with the question of why the child said five the response was, "Dad is never home."
It was one of those piercing and convicting works of God's Spirit that would literally change his life. Within a month he had given his notice to the company to change positions. He needed to be home during the strategic season of his kids lives and was willing to sacrifice his own career success for his wife and children.
The point here is not to say if you travel for your work you are messing up your family!
This follower of Jesus knew he had made his career more important than his family. He wanted to make a different statement as a result.
Life really is short and we shouldn't loose the opportunities that God gives us to pass on to our children a legacy that is seen in our lives as well as our words. Jesus knew that what we do with our today's will have an effect on our tomorrows. There are so many daily distractions that take our eyes off the real issues of life.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33
Our marriages are the first place our children look to understand what it means to to follow Jesus. May you be partners in life who share that common goal of the honor of Christ. An honor that is willing to say no to the things of the world for the sake of the gospel.
I just thought I would pass on a Good Reminder.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Stress Relief
A gentle touch or back rub can bring amazing relief. When my muscles are tight then my mind and life feel tight. The world seems less stressful when my body feels more relaxed.
We each carry burdens in life that bring unique stresses that affect everything else in our lives. A hard day at the office, a nagging illness, an argument with my spouse, a bad mood, the demands of children, etc.
Where is my stress relief?!
In a real sense a first place of stress relief should be in our marriages. It should be a place where I can be stroked physically and emotionally. A place for someone to not only bear the burdens of life with me but to help me rest in the midst of them. To know my husband or wife wants to not only hear my cares but to identity with them can bring a unique stress relief to my soul.
That looks alot like the gospel. Isn't that why Jesus came? He has come to bring rest in the midst of this sinful and stressful world. The most critical stress relief he brought was to remove the guilt of our sin. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."He has not only identified with that stress but he has literally taken on the responsibility of that stress.
NO CONDEMNATION.
As professing Christians in marriage our primary task is to remind each other of the rest we have in Jesus. Not only to remind but to reflect that love. I want to love as I have been loved, to care as I have been cared for. Even the best husband or wife can only sooth my stress to a limited degree. I need Jesus.
I want to be lovingly pushed to Jesus. I want to run to the one who alone can bring the stress relief to my soul in the midst of this sinful world. I want to respond to his ever present invitation, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28,29
Today, as that husband or wife bring stress relief to your spouse. It can be that back rub or listening ear but whatever, bring Jesus to them. May God make your home a true oasis for rest and relief as you rest in him.
We each carry burdens in life that bring unique stresses that affect everything else in our lives. A hard day at the office, a nagging illness, an argument with my spouse, a bad mood, the demands of children, etc.
Where is my stress relief?!
In a real sense a first place of stress relief should be in our marriages. It should be a place where I can be stroked physically and emotionally. A place for someone to not only bear the burdens of life with me but to help me rest in the midst of them. To know my husband or wife wants to not only hear my cares but to identity with them can bring a unique stress relief to my soul.
That looks alot like the gospel. Isn't that why Jesus came? He has come to bring rest in the midst of this sinful and stressful world. The most critical stress relief he brought was to remove the guilt of our sin. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."He has not only identified with that stress but he has literally taken on the responsibility of that stress.
NO CONDEMNATION.
As professing Christians in marriage our primary task is to remind each other of the rest we have in Jesus. Not only to remind but to reflect that love. I want to love as I have been loved, to care as I have been cared for. Even the best husband or wife can only sooth my stress to a limited degree. I need Jesus.
I want to be lovingly pushed to Jesus. I want to run to the one who alone can bring the stress relief to my soul in the midst of this sinful world. I want to respond to his ever present invitation, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28,29
Today, as that husband or wife bring stress relief to your spouse. It can be that back rub or listening ear but whatever, bring Jesus to them. May God make your home a true oasis for rest and relief as you rest in him.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Have you Got a Minute?
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..." James 1:19
How's this for an equation? The more I feel isolated and disconnected the more I need someone to listen to me before I can listen to them. The opposite therefore could be true, the more accepted I am the more I can listen.
Which comes first, being listened to or listening?
James is calling us as followers of Jesus to be first and foremost, good listeners. People who love to hear and understand. People who are known for a slowness in terms of speech and anger. People who legitimately care about the interests of others more than themselves.
The implication for our marriages is very powerful. What are we communicating to our spouses, verbally and non-verbally when it comes to listening? Are we approachable enough so when they say, "Have you got a minute" they don't have to be threatened by our response? Too often, to our shame, especially as husbands we can make our wives feel like they need royal permission to come into our presence and even then not guaranteed a listening ear. Of all the people to be listened to our God-ordained partners in life must know we WANT to hear from them. We cannot be what we are called to be without their involvement and they cannot be involved unless we are open and approachable.
I would suggest the deeper issue is our own marriage to Christ. I wonder how many times Jesus says to us, in essence, "Have you got a minute?" If we are not in the habit of listening to him through the Word and prayer why are we surprised when it becomes hard to listen to others? Jesus loved to listen and because of that people loved to talk to him. And then they wanted him to do the talking!
Your marriage is a powerful catalyst and witness to the work of Christ in your own home and the world around you. We are a people who cried out to God for forgiveness... and he listened. He then spoke words of hope and comfort that would forever change our lives.
Take a minute right now to stop and listen to the Lord.
Now go and listen to your spouse!
How's this for an equation? The more I feel isolated and disconnected the more I need someone to listen to me before I can listen to them. The opposite therefore could be true, the more accepted I am the more I can listen.
Which comes first, being listened to or listening?
James is calling us as followers of Jesus to be first and foremost, good listeners. People who love to hear and understand. People who are known for a slowness in terms of speech and anger. People who legitimately care about the interests of others more than themselves.
The implication for our marriages is very powerful. What are we communicating to our spouses, verbally and non-verbally when it comes to listening? Are we approachable enough so when they say, "Have you got a minute" they don't have to be threatened by our response? Too often, to our shame, especially as husbands we can make our wives feel like they need royal permission to come into our presence and even then not guaranteed a listening ear. Of all the people to be listened to our God-ordained partners in life must know we WANT to hear from them. We cannot be what we are called to be without their involvement and they cannot be involved unless we are open and approachable.
I would suggest the deeper issue is our own marriage to Christ. I wonder how many times Jesus says to us, in essence, "Have you got a minute?" If we are not in the habit of listening to him through the Word and prayer why are we surprised when it becomes hard to listen to others? Jesus loved to listen and because of that people loved to talk to him. And then they wanted him to do the talking!
Your marriage is a powerful catalyst and witness to the work of Christ in your own home and the world around you. We are a people who cried out to God for forgiveness... and he listened. He then spoke words of hope and comfort that would forever change our lives.
Take a minute right now to stop and listen to the Lord.
Now go and listen to your spouse!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Fame
Everybody wants to be known.
Bev and I recently returned from a whirlwind tour of Southern California. I spoke at a church retreat and then we drove down the coast to San Diego. We stopped off for a while in Hollywood.
The Walk of the Stars, Hollywood Boulevard, Rodeo Drive, the studios, and all the time looking for someone famous. We all have that inner drive to be recognized and influential. Whether it's a reality T.V. show or a talent contest we want our 15 minutes of fame.
Everybody wants to be known.
Our culture seems to be obsessed with a desire to have a life outside the routine of our daily existence. "If more people know of me than the more significance and fulfillment I will have." There is nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated but when that desire becomes an idol than the world and people around us become commodities.
I can't help but think that is part of our problem in marriages today. Schedules, kids, diapers, jobs and the demands of life are not as glamorous and recognized as those in the media. We can somehow feel cheated and envious. Life is hard and that surreal world of T.V. and movie screen can seduce us into believing there is a better life to be offered in this world.
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions - is not from the Father but is from the world." I John 2:15,16
The gospel is primarily about living in a broken world not utopia. Jesus has come to give what the world can never give. His death and resurrection have given us a recognition by the highest of all audiences. God himself has unashamedly adopted us as his children and one day the world will be envious. That should be enough to stop us from looking to the world but instead keep our eyes on Jesus.
But...everybody wants to be known.
May God help us this day in our marriages to walk humbly before God and our spouses and may Jesus be center stage for all the world to see.
Bev and I recently returned from a whirlwind tour of Southern California. I spoke at a church retreat and then we drove down the coast to San Diego. We stopped off for a while in Hollywood.
The Walk of the Stars, Hollywood Boulevard, Rodeo Drive, the studios, and all the time looking for someone famous. We all have that inner drive to be recognized and influential. Whether it's a reality T.V. show or a talent contest we want our 15 minutes of fame.
Everybody wants to be known.
Our culture seems to be obsessed with a desire to have a life outside the routine of our daily existence. "If more people know of me than the more significance and fulfillment I will have." There is nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated but when that desire becomes an idol than the world and people around us become commodities.
I can't help but think that is part of our problem in marriages today. Schedules, kids, diapers, jobs and the demands of life are not as glamorous and recognized as those in the media. We can somehow feel cheated and envious. Life is hard and that surreal world of T.V. and movie screen can seduce us into believing there is a better life to be offered in this world.
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions - is not from the Father but is from the world." I John 2:15,16
The gospel is primarily about living in a broken world not utopia. Jesus has come to give what the world can never give. His death and resurrection have given us a recognition by the highest of all audiences. God himself has unashamedly adopted us as his children and one day the world will be envious. That should be enough to stop us from looking to the world but instead keep our eyes on Jesus.
But...everybody wants to be known.
May God help us this day in our marriages to walk humbly before God and our spouses and may Jesus be center stage for all the world to see.
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