That phrase can mean something as minor as drying the dishes or as major as an immediate crisis. We all need help. Sometimes that help will be more long term while for others it is immediate.
The blessing and challenge of the Christian life is that you are at the beckon call of others. You want to be there when needed but sometimes the challenge comes when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet those needs. Again, it can be as simple as assisting with a church supper or as difficult as a marital crisis.
Any good relationship is built on dependability. Will you be there when I need you? There is something powerful and freeing when I know that someone cares for me in the little things as well as the big. This is especially to be true in the Church, the body of Christ. There is such a thing as healthy dependency among Christians. We need each other and we rightfully bear each others burdens. I must not only be willing to help but to be helped as well.
There is no more beautiful picture of that kind of love than in a Christian marriage. A place where help is so readily given and received. Yes, we are messed up people and our sin and selfishness all too often get in the way. We use our needs for manipulation rather than growth. We should be helping each other to depend not primarily on what I can give but on what Jesus has given. A good marriage is a giving and receiving marriage. We give because he gave. We help because he has helped us. In his ultimate calling Jesus did what no one else could "help" him do. "The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28
The more we understand the cross the better we will be as husbands and wives. It will become more second nature to help and be helped because of what he has done for us. Perhaps we have forgotten the depth of what Jesus actually did when he died. And when we do remember we truly become partners in life who love to help each other for all the right reasons.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped..." Psalm 28:7
Now go help your husband or wife.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Just Pray About It
To pray is to depend. It is acknowledging the fact that I am not alone and should not handle life alone. God has designed us to be in relationship with him and thus always in touch with him through prayer.
"Just Pray About It" can be some of the best advice ever given or taken. The Christian life isn't always about finding answers but finding rest. Sometimes prayer is the last place we go when it should be the first. Embarrassingly we tend to treat it as a last resort we go to out of desperation.
It was second nature to Jesus. Whether it was feeding 5,000 or alone in a garden he wanted to be aware of his Father in heaven. He assumed God's loving presence in all he was and did which made it all the more natural. As followers of Jesus we all have that same privilege. The very Spirit of God lives in us as he does his Son.
As the Apostle Paul described some common qualities of believers in Jesus he listed this phrase as well, "...be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12, to just pray about something was not a shallow cliche but part of the very essence of being a follower of Christ. Because of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus we now have full and welcomed access to God's throne.
One obvious application of these thoughts for us who are married is simply this:
When was the last time you prayed for your marriage? Not only that but when was the last time you prayed together?
Could some of the challenges in our marriages be a result of a shallow view of prayer? We tend to live from crisis to crisis rather than faith to faith. Prayer then is that rarely used gift that we only pull off the shelf in times of emergency. Jesus had a mindset of prayer in all things. He prayed before - during and after things in his life.
I wish I did more of that early in my married life. But it's never too late!!
So let me give you the obvious advice if you want to have a God honoring and Christ centered marriage:
"Just Pray About It."
"Just Pray About It" can be some of the best advice ever given or taken. The Christian life isn't always about finding answers but finding rest. Sometimes prayer is the last place we go when it should be the first. Embarrassingly we tend to treat it as a last resort we go to out of desperation.
It was second nature to Jesus. Whether it was feeding 5,000 or alone in a garden he wanted to be aware of his Father in heaven. He assumed God's loving presence in all he was and did which made it all the more natural. As followers of Jesus we all have that same privilege. The very Spirit of God lives in us as he does his Son.
As the Apostle Paul described some common qualities of believers in Jesus he listed this phrase as well, "...be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12, to just pray about something was not a shallow cliche but part of the very essence of being a follower of Christ. Because of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus we now have full and welcomed access to God's throne.
One obvious application of these thoughts for us who are married is simply this:
When was the last time you prayed for your marriage? Not only that but when was the last time you prayed together?
Could some of the challenges in our marriages be a result of a shallow view of prayer? We tend to live from crisis to crisis rather than faith to faith. Prayer then is that rarely used gift that we only pull off the shelf in times of emergency. Jesus had a mindset of prayer in all things. He prayed before - during and after things in his life.
I wish I did more of that early in my married life. But it's never too late!!
So let me give you the obvious advice if you want to have a God honoring and Christ centered marriage:
"Just Pray About It."
Friday, June 24, 2011
What A Blessing
I recently had breakfast with some men and asked them to talk about the blessings of being married rather than the challenges. We too often start with the negative and try to figure out how to make the most of our difficulties. Sometimes it is better to start with what is good and to appreciate how God has blessed us with our wives.
There were four responses I thought were very insightful as to what it means to be married:
1. Being Known, This husband found great comfort in the knowledge that his wife knew him well. He could trust her with his struggles and knew she loved him still.
2. No More Dating!, The security of having a committed relationship took away the pressure of playing and pretending. He now has someone to be with in uniqueness for the rest of his life.
3. Never Alone, as God's creation we were designed to live in relationship with others. Marriage is one of those precious arenas where we can appreciate the Lord's observation, "it is not good for man to be alone."
4. Checks and Balances, This husband was quick to declare, "I've learned more about God through my wife than anywhere else!" He saw how God was using this relationship with his wife to grow him and sharpen him in every way.
It wouldn't be a stretch to say that this is what we find in our marriage to Christ. The main difference is that Jesus gives us what no spouse could ever give. Our marriages are to be more about Him and to reflect His love rather than what we get.
What does that mean or look like? Read Philippians 2:1-11 and see that Jesus' primary concern was not his needs or desires but the glory of his Father. The Apostle Paul put it succinctly in verse 5,"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus." Yes, thank God for the blessings of marriage but let those blessings lead you to a higher calling in your marriage to Christ and may that be seen in your lives today.
There were four responses I thought were very insightful as to what it means to be married:
1. Being Known, This husband found great comfort in the knowledge that his wife knew him well. He could trust her with his struggles and knew she loved him still.
2. No More Dating!, The security of having a committed relationship took away the pressure of playing and pretending. He now has someone to be with in uniqueness for the rest of his life.
3. Never Alone, as God's creation we were designed to live in relationship with others. Marriage is one of those precious arenas where we can appreciate the Lord's observation, "it is not good for man to be alone."
4. Checks and Balances, This husband was quick to declare, "I've learned more about God through my wife than anywhere else!" He saw how God was using this relationship with his wife to grow him and sharpen him in every way.
It wouldn't be a stretch to say that this is what we find in our marriage to Christ. The main difference is that Jesus gives us what no spouse could ever give. Our marriages are to be more about Him and to reflect His love rather than what we get.
What does that mean or look like? Read Philippians 2:1-11 and see that Jesus' primary concern was not his needs or desires but the glory of his Father. The Apostle Paul put it succinctly in verse 5,"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus." Yes, thank God for the blessings of marriage but let those blessings lead you to a higher calling in your marriage to Christ and may that be seen in your lives today.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Normal Christian Marriage
With all the emphasis on vital marriages today it's easy to feel abnormal or even subnormal about our own marriage. Charismatic couples who are on the speaking circuit seem to have incredible intimacy and endurance. Even in our churches we look around and feel like everyone else is doing fine but us!
Why can't we be like them?!
It's good and important to be challenged in our relationships but too often the message can be to model others in personality and practice and you will live happily ever after! We start believing the normal christian marriage is more personality driven than Spirit driven. This doesn't always happen intentionally but subtly we start trying to be someone we are not.
We feel guilty and frustrated because the harder we try the more discouraged and even angry we become. Real change is hard to come by and too often we assume the best years are behind us. Our hope sadly becomes in now trying to survive rather than continuing to grow as a couple in Christ.
So what's the solution? Do we just, "Let go and let God?!" There is some truth to that phrase but it can also be empty. It's not just throwing your arms in the air and giving up and waiting on God to do something. It's more about owning the struggle of how God is at work in us. The problem is not primarily a personality flaw but a heart flaw. God is in the business of making us look more and more like Jesus and we have the privilege of doing that as partners in this life.
This should be the normal call for all of us, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1 The challenge of the normal Christian marriage is the same as the normal Christian life. Too often we take our eyes off Jesus and look to the world for our example and motivation rather than on him and his promises.
Why can't we be like them?!
It's good and important to be challenged in our relationships but too often the message can be to model others in personality and practice and you will live happily ever after! We start believing the normal christian marriage is more personality driven than Spirit driven. This doesn't always happen intentionally but subtly we start trying to be someone we are not.
We feel guilty and frustrated because the harder we try the more discouraged and even angry we become. Real change is hard to come by and too often we assume the best years are behind us. Our hope sadly becomes in now trying to survive rather than continuing to grow as a couple in Christ.
So what's the solution? Do we just, "Let go and let God?!" There is some truth to that phrase but it can also be empty. It's not just throwing your arms in the air and giving up and waiting on God to do something. It's more about owning the struggle of how God is at work in us. The problem is not primarily a personality flaw but a heart flaw. God is in the business of making us look more and more like Jesus and we have the privilege of doing that as partners in this life.
This should be the normal call for all of us, "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1 The challenge of the normal Christian marriage is the same as the normal Christian life. Too often we take our eyes off Jesus and look to the world for our example and motivation rather than on him and his promises.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
90 Years Of Life
My Mom turned 90 this past weekend. She still has a sharp mind and reasonably good health for her age! She was surrounded by family and friends and was obviously enjoying the blessing of seeing her heritage. Children, grandchildren and 5 great children!
As she reflected on this milestone she would often say, "I never thought I would be this old one day!" The thought of outliving family and friends was not in her plan.
She has seen a lot and been through a lot.
Psalm 90 is an appropriate reflection by someone who also outlived many of his peers. Moses said many good things in this brief Psalm that are worth remembering, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations...For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past...So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."
So what does this have to do with our daily routine in marriage?
What would a marriage look like that had it's dwelling in the Lord from the beginning? It would look like a couple who increasingly valued each day and lived it as though it were the last. Not in a morbid fear but with gratitude. It would be a love that, "...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13:6
To number our days is to not take them for granted. Although we can't assume our tomorrows we can rest on the promises of God today. Promises like John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." or John 16:33, "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
My friends if you have trusted in Jesus and are living for Him let it be seen today in your marriage so when people talk about you when you are gone they will talk about a couple who had God as their dwelling place and numbered their days for Jesus' sake.
As she reflected on this milestone she would often say, "I never thought I would be this old one day!" The thought of outliving family and friends was not in her plan.
She has seen a lot and been through a lot.
Psalm 90 is an appropriate reflection by someone who also outlived many of his peers. Moses said many good things in this brief Psalm that are worth remembering, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations...For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past...So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."
So what does this have to do with our daily routine in marriage?
What would a marriage look like that had it's dwelling in the Lord from the beginning? It would look like a couple who increasingly valued each day and lived it as though it were the last. Not in a morbid fear but with gratitude. It would be a love that, "...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I Corinthians 13:6
To number our days is to not take them for granted. Although we can't assume our tomorrows we can rest on the promises of God today. Promises like John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." or John 16:33, "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
My friends if you have trusted in Jesus and are living for Him let it be seen today in your marriage so when people talk about you when you are gone they will talk about a couple who had God as their dwelling place and numbered their days for Jesus' sake.
Monday, May 23, 2011
You Got It Wrong
The world didn't come to an end after all. Harold Camping was so sure.
He got it wrong.
It has to hurt in more ways than one to be so sure of something you would even bet your life on it only to find out you were mistaken. It rocks your world and in this case ruins your reputation. Who would ever believe him again?
It is pretty amazing how we can get so consumed by ourselves and our take on things that we become blind to reality. We are SO sure of what we perceive that there is seemingly no room for correction. We work so hard building our airtight case that the views and advice of those closest to us are discarded because "they just don't get it."
The same dynamic happens in too many of our marriages. It's most clearly seen when it's too late. Statements like,"You never..." or "You always..." are simply another way of saying, "You Got It Wrong." Little things become huge barriers that make a case for each to give up learning and loving, instead we become focused on winning. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that my husband or wife will never understand me so we build our case on that premise.
One of the hard lessons that Bev and I learned early on in our marriage was that there were not as many issues in life worth going to the wall for as we thought. In other words, our petty differences were not the problem but our pride. We were more concerned about what divided us rather than who united us. By God's grace we learned to listen, love and forgive.
A verse that has become increasingly precious and practical to us is from
IPeter 4:8, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." Isn't that to be the hallmark of the followers of Christ? Those who are quick to forgive and to be more concerned about the other than themselves? Jesus wants us to always remember that because he died for us he took our wrongs and made them right. That's got to be more important than our obsession to be right.
To truly trust in Jesus and live daily for him is what is right. And won't it be an overwhelming blessing when we see him face to face after our struggles to hear him say "Welcome home - You Got It Right!"
He got it wrong.
It has to hurt in more ways than one to be so sure of something you would even bet your life on it only to find out you were mistaken. It rocks your world and in this case ruins your reputation. Who would ever believe him again?
It is pretty amazing how we can get so consumed by ourselves and our take on things that we become blind to reality. We are SO sure of what we perceive that there is seemingly no room for correction. We work so hard building our airtight case that the views and advice of those closest to us are discarded because "they just don't get it."
The same dynamic happens in too many of our marriages. It's most clearly seen when it's too late. Statements like,"You never..." or "You always..." are simply another way of saying, "You Got It Wrong." Little things become huge barriers that make a case for each to give up learning and loving, instead we become focused on winning. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that my husband or wife will never understand me so we build our case on that premise.
One of the hard lessons that Bev and I learned early on in our marriage was that there were not as many issues in life worth going to the wall for as we thought. In other words, our petty differences were not the problem but our pride. We were more concerned about what divided us rather than who united us. By God's grace we learned to listen, love and forgive.
A verse that has become increasingly precious and practical to us is from
IPeter 4:8, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." Isn't that to be the hallmark of the followers of Christ? Those who are quick to forgive and to be more concerned about the other than themselves? Jesus wants us to always remember that because he died for us he took our wrongs and made them right. That's got to be more important than our obsession to be right.
To truly trust in Jesus and live daily for him is what is right. And won't it be an overwhelming blessing when we see him face to face after our struggles to hear him say "Welcome home - You Got It Right!"
Monday, May 9, 2011
Who's Leading Who?
If we are honest much of our marital struggles are around leadership. Who makes the decisions and why? I think this and you think that. Now what do we do?
I remember a pastor friend describing a time he had with a couple who were having serious struggles in this area. The husband in particular was accusing the wife of not submitting to his authority and always challenging him. The pastor asked the couple a simple question, "Who is the head of this home?" to which the husband quickly replied, "I am!" He then asked the same question again and got the same response. After asking the question several times the pastor finally responded, "the head of this home is no other than Jesus."
As professing Christians they had obviously lost their own focus. Jesus is first and foremost the one who is to do the leading. His call and command is to follow. Not to question his integrity and wisdom but to submit to his call.
So what does that look like in our marriage? Does the husband lead in all things and the wife follow or are there other options?
Who's Leading Who?
The beauty of a Christian marriage is that it is not primarily about each other and who is doing what but rather about Christ and what he has done. A Christian counselor said about his counseling Christian marriages that if they would be as concerned about the honor of Christ as much as they were about their roles he would not see half the couples he sees.
Our marriage to Christ is far more important than our earthly marriage and Jesus makes it clear what he asks for, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:27
When was the last time you asked Jesus, "What do you want me to do today as a husband or wife?" Yes, the confusion is real and the struggles legitimate at times but what is the filter that determines my reaction and commitment?
Keep talking to each other about how to make those decisions and to trust each other in the process. Just be sure to remember that the ultimate question is not "Who's Leading Who?" but:
"Who's Leading You?"
I remember a pastor friend describing a time he had with a couple who were having serious struggles in this area. The husband in particular was accusing the wife of not submitting to his authority and always challenging him. The pastor asked the couple a simple question, "Who is the head of this home?" to which the husband quickly replied, "I am!" He then asked the same question again and got the same response. After asking the question several times the pastor finally responded, "the head of this home is no other than Jesus."
As professing Christians they had obviously lost their own focus. Jesus is first and foremost the one who is to do the leading. His call and command is to follow. Not to question his integrity and wisdom but to submit to his call.
So what does that look like in our marriage? Does the husband lead in all things and the wife follow or are there other options?
Who's Leading Who?
The beauty of a Christian marriage is that it is not primarily about each other and who is doing what but rather about Christ and what he has done. A Christian counselor said about his counseling Christian marriages that if they would be as concerned about the honor of Christ as much as they were about their roles he would not see half the couples he sees.
Our marriage to Christ is far more important than our earthly marriage and Jesus makes it clear what he asks for, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:27
When was the last time you asked Jesus, "What do you want me to do today as a husband or wife?" Yes, the confusion is real and the struggles legitimate at times but what is the filter that determines my reaction and commitment?
Keep talking to each other about how to make those decisions and to trust each other in the process. Just be sure to remember that the ultimate question is not "Who's Leading Who?" but:
"Who's Leading You?"
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