I like to assume I know what Bev is thinking and how things affect her. I like to do that with a lot of people. I pride myself in being able to read people's reactions and how they process life. Most of the time I think I'm pretty consistent with my assumptions. I can't take the credit because it's more the way God has wired me. I've seen the Lord mature me in using those gifts in ministering to people. It can be a real help in identifying with others' struggles not only in my ministry but in my marriage.
Sometimes.
There is a definite downside in making assumptions. "Why do you always assume you know what I'm thinking without even asking?!" That has too often been Bev's reaction when we are trying to work through a problem. I assume I know what the problem is for her and how she can resolve it. I assume the problem has to do with other things and people in her life. It really has nothing to do with me.
Bad assumption!
Maybe I need to start making another assumption. My motives are not always as sincerely driven as I think they are. Perhaps if I'm honest with myself I don't really want to listen to my wife and worse yet, assume some kind of responsibility for her struggle! I'd rather just "fix" her problem and with my gifts and abilities help her get back to living. My subtle pride and arrogance leads to a patronizing attitude that only adds to the frustration.
How's this for another assumption? I need to take to heart the biblical mandate to be, "quick to listen and slow to speak." and to be genuinely more interested in others than myself. If I don't do that in my own home with my wife I really can't do that with others. That's hypocrisy.
May God make us husbands and wives who assume we need each other to be all that we are called to be in Jesus. "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:4
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
What's Wrong With Us?
Why is that sometimes when we look around at other couples we feel everyone else seems to have it together but us? They have smiles on their faces. We never see them argue. Whether it's sitting together in church or Sunday school they have all the appearances of people who have FAR less problems than we do.
One of the effects which can occur is that a couple starts to feel there is some fatal flaw in their marriage that is holding them back. It can also lead to growing feelings of jealousy and regret. We almost start coveting other spouses thinking we could have a happier life with someone else!
Once again the church can be a place where we are reminded of our brokenness and hypocrisy not by the preaching of God's Word but by comparing ourselves to other people. It's more important what people perceive about us than who we really are. In a culture that is so image driven the church too often can function like the world. Instead of an oasis it's just another place to pretend.
Having an image becomes more important than having humility.
In Galatians 5 Paul is comparing the fruit of the flesh with the fruit of the Spirit. Those more concerned about themselves, that is the flesh, will produce things like jealousy, rivalry and envy. On the other hand those who walk in the Spirit are known by things like peace, patience and self control.
It all starts in the heart. It has to be seen in the home before it can be appreciated in the church and the world. I have to stop pretending in my marriage and live with integrity and humility before my spouse. I have to make my daily prayer what David cries for in Psalm 139:23,24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Let's go to church not to view others but to be viewed by God. And in turn let's look for ways to build others up in Christ rather than wonder how others see us.
One of the effects which can occur is that a couple starts to feel there is some fatal flaw in their marriage that is holding them back. It can also lead to growing feelings of jealousy and regret. We almost start coveting other spouses thinking we could have a happier life with someone else!
Once again the church can be a place where we are reminded of our brokenness and hypocrisy not by the preaching of God's Word but by comparing ourselves to other people. It's more important what people perceive about us than who we really are. In a culture that is so image driven the church too often can function like the world. Instead of an oasis it's just another place to pretend.
Having an image becomes more important than having humility.
In Galatians 5 Paul is comparing the fruit of the flesh with the fruit of the Spirit. Those more concerned about themselves, that is the flesh, will produce things like jealousy, rivalry and envy. On the other hand those who walk in the Spirit are known by things like peace, patience and self control.
It all starts in the heart. It has to be seen in the home before it can be appreciated in the church and the world. I have to stop pretending in my marriage and live with integrity and humility before my spouse. I have to make my daily prayer what David cries for in Psalm 139:23,24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Let's go to church not to view others but to be viewed by God. And in turn let's look for ways to build others up in Christ rather than wonder how others see us.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
She'll Understand
"I know I said we would go out for a special dinner but something has come up and I knew you would understand."
"You have a very understanding wife!"
When my job or ministry becomes more important than my wife that's when erosion sets in. It's not always visible at first. A little here, a little there. We're still standing but the foundation is beginning to crumble.
Why is it that we get so use to the fact that our spouses love and support us that we all too easily take that commitment for granted? We almost unintentionally take advantage of their love and wonder why they feel unimportant at times. And then when we are confronted we immediately turn it back on them accusing them of not supporting us!
The erosion takes the form of a growing emotional separation. The one are becoming two. Not quickly or immediately but gradually. You just start getting use to the fact that, "that's just the way life is." The next step is then to start being more concerned about yourself and your needs than those of your spouse. We justify it by believing we really can't give to him/her unless they reciprocate. The final conclusion is then that they are actually hindering me from becoming what God wants me to be.
What a mess that husband or wife has made of my life!
Could this all be a masquerade to hide from the fact that I'm not taking my first love seriously? Why is the gospel and the honor of Christ not more important than the support or lack therefore of my spouse? Why do I let other "important" things get in the way of my love for her and in turn my love for Christ?
Maybe I need to get back to being truly motivated by the love and Christ and stop taking advantage of it.
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." Ephesians 5:25,28
"You have a very understanding wife!"
When my job or ministry becomes more important than my wife that's when erosion sets in. It's not always visible at first. A little here, a little there. We're still standing but the foundation is beginning to crumble.
Why is it that we get so use to the fact that our spouses love and support us that we all too easily take that commitment for granted? We almost unintentionally take advantage of their love and wonder why they feel unimportant at times. And then when we are confronted we immediately turn it back on them accusing them of not supporting us!
The erosion takes the form of a growing emotional separation. The one are becoming two. Not quickly or immediately but gradually. You just start getting use to the fact that, "that's just the way life is." The next step is then to start being more concerned about yourself and your needs than those of your spouse. We justify it by believing we really can't give to him/her unless they reciprocate. The final conclusion is then that they are actually hindering me from becoming what God wants me to be.
What a mess that husband or wife has made of my life!
Could this all be a masquerade to hide from the fact that I'm not taking my first love seriously? Why is the gospel and the honor of Christ not more important than the support or lack therefore of my spouse? Why do I let other "important" things get in the way of my love for her and in turn my love for Christ?
Maybe I need to get back to being truly motivated by the love and Christ and stop taking advantage of it.
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." Ephesians 5:25,28
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Independence
My wife of 36 years has been away for a few days now. This happens periodically in our lives where one of us is on a planned trip and the other stays behind. There is a sudden independence. I'm now on my own in the sense that her presence is not with me and I am doing things independent of her.
I'm doing fine. I'm eating okay and getting caught up on things and people. It's actually been fun and productive. Independence has it's benefits.
But something is missing. I'm just not myself. Maybe I'm a closet wimp and don't want to admit it!
I really am dependent on Bev. These times remind me just how much a part of my life she has become. It's more than just "meeting my needs." Her smile, her comments, her idiosyncrasies all are a part of her life that I not only have become accustomed to but even dependent upon. Although I can live alone I'm just not myself without her.
That's exactly what life in Christ is all about. There is a direct correlation between the metaphor of marriage and the Christian Church. Life in the body of Christ is the same as a Godly marriage and vice versa.
We are called to trust in Christ alone but never to live alone.
I cannot be who I'm am called to be in Christ unless I live dependably on the body of Christ. I need the gifts, the presence, the voices of my brothers and sisters not simply to meet my needs but to become all I'm called to be and unable to be without their involvement in my life. It becomes second nature to depend on and look forward to growing with those closest to me spiritually. I want to have my identity in Christ but not apart from the body of Christ.
"For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ...Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." I Corinthians 12:12,27
I love my wife and can't imagine my life without her - EVERYDAY.
I love the Church of Christ and can't imagine my life without her - EVERYDAY.
I'm doing fine. I'm eating okay and getting caught up on things and people. It's actually been fun and productive. Independence has it's benefits.
But something is missing. I'm just not myself. Maybe I'm a closet wimp and don't want to admit it!
I really am dependent on Bev. These times remind me just how much a part of my life she has become. It's more than just "meeting my needs." Her smile, her comments, her idiosyncrasies all are a part of her life that I not only have become accustomed to but even dependent upon. Although I can live alone I'm just not myself without her.
That's exactly what life in Christ is all about. There is a direct correlation between the metaphor of marriage and the Christian Church. Life in the body of Christ is the same as a Godly marriage and vice versa.
We are called to trust in Christ alone but never to live alone.
I cannot be who I'm am called to be in Christ unless I live dependably on the body of Christ. I need the gifts, the presence, the voices of my brothers and sisters not simply to meet my needs but to become all I'm called to be and unable to be without their involvement in my life. It becomes second nature to depend on and look forward to growing with those closest to me spiritually. I want to have my identity in Christ but not apart from the body of Christ.
"For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ...Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it." I Corinthians 12:12,27
I love my wife and can't imagine my life without her - EVERYDAY.
I love the Church of Christ and can't imagine my life without her - EVERYDAY.
Monday, June 29, 2009
In Sickness and In Health
Wonderful words with weighty implications.
I've promised to love my wife when she is beautifully healthy (No Problem) and when she is unattractively sick (Help!) It's a lot easier to love someone when a problem is quickly addressed but when it takes more energy or interrupts my life then my true character and commitment are challenged.
How would you advise a new couple about to be married? What one piece of advice would you give them? How about:
*Put Jesus first
*Pray together daily
*Go out on dates
*Learn to listen
How about: "Take your vows seriously"
Our wedding vows are some of the richest and moving commitments anyone could declare. Especially, "before God and these witnesses."
It's about a single-minded obsession to do whatever it takes to nurture, build up and truly love my spouse until I die. No matter what the cost or condition.
That sounds an awful lot like the love of Christ to His bride. The Apostle Paul was obsessed with getting believers to understand just how seriously Jesus took His vows. He would do whatever it took to present His bride as beautiful and glorious before His Father. Paul used the metaphor of marriage to show believers what it means for God to love His people. The passage in Ephesians 5 is the classic instruction book for husbands and wives but I fear at times we see it more as a handbook for our roles rather than as a picture of the gospel. Even the Apostle qualifies it when he says, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." I would argue that the context of Ephesians 5 is that Paul is more concerned about us understanding the love of God through Christ than "how to get along in marriage."
Here's a suggestion: Go back and review your vows of marriage.
Better yet - go back and review your vows of membership and commitment to Christ and His Church.
I've promised to love my wife when she is beautifully healthy (No Problem) and when she is unattractively sick (Help!) It's a lot easier to love someone when a problem is quickly addressed but when it takes more energy or interrupts my life then my true character and commitment are challenged.
How would you advise a new couple about to be married? What one piece of advice would you give them? How about:
*Put Jesus first
*Pray together daily
*Go out on dates
*Learn to listen
How about: "Take your vows seriously"
Our wedding vows are some of the richest and moving commitments anyone could declare. Especially, "before God and these witnesses."
It's about a single-minded obsession to do whatever it takes to nurture, build up and truly love my spouse until I die. No matter what the cost or condition.
That sounds an awful lot like the love of Christ to His bride. The Apostle Paul was obsessed with getting believers to understand just how seriously Jesus took His vows. He would do whatever it took to present His bride as beautiful and glorious before His Father. Paul used the metaphor of marriage to show believers what it means for God to love His people. The passage in Ephesians 5 is the classic instruction book for husbands and wives but I fear at times we see it more as a handbook for our roles rather than as a picture of the gospel. Even the Apostle qualifies it when he says, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." I would argue that the context of Ephesians 5 is that Paul is more concerned about us understanding the love of God through Christ than "how to get along in marriage."
Here's a suggestion: Go back and review your vows of marriage.
Better yet - go back and review your vows of membership and commitment to Christ and His Church.
Monday, June 22, 2009
What Are You Looking At?!
It's not polite to stare.
Sometimes.
I love to look at people in different gathering places. Whether it's in a shopping mall, a sports event or church it's interesting to watch people. Perhaps that's why I minored in Sociology - I'm fascinated with people!
Sometimes that can get you in trouble when your wife or worse yet the people you have been staring at say, "What are you looking at?!" I need to be more subversive and sly about how I stare but it's intriguing to me to look and wonder what that person or couple are really like. If you are close enough you can even hear the language and see the facial expressions. This can reveal a lot about how people relate and especially married couples.
In one way or another we are all in the public arena. People are looking at us. People like me are watching people like you! How you shop, the way you dress, the reactions you give at the check out counter, etc. your character comes out.
This is especially true in our Christian lives. People are watching. How does one who professes to be a follower of Christ handle life? What does it mean that Jesus Christ is Lord of every aspect of my life? What does it look like?
Those of us who have made a public profession of Christ have made an exciting yet serious commitment. In essence we have invited the world to stare at us. I have always been intrigued and convicted by the Apostle Paul's statement in I Corinthians 11:1 when he says, "Be imitators of me (or followers) as I am of Christ." In other words he is telling others to look at his life and live as he lives.
Think of the implications if we all remembered this aspect of the call of the gospel. Not only in our individual lives but I would argue especially in our marriages. What does the gospel look like in a marriage? The world should be invited to look at every Christian marriage and see, not perfection, but the reality of a joyful struggle in living for Jesus.
WARNING: This is not about keeping up the image of "Christian" but about the reality of working out our own salvation daily for the glory of Christ.
You and I who are Christian and married should not be offended when we turn around and find someone has been staring at us. They have every right to and every need to see what true God-ordained love is to look like - they should see Jesus.
May God make us a people who are true to our calling in the world as well as the church.
"What are you looking at?!"
Sometimes.
I love to look at people in different gathering places. Whether it's in a shopping mall, a sports event or church it's interesting to watch people. Perhaps that's why I minored in Sociology - I'm fascinated with people!
Sometimes that can get you in trouble when your wife or worse yet the people you have been staring at say, "What are you looking at?!" I need to be more subversive and sly about how I stare but it's intriguing to me to look and wonder what that person or couple are really like. If you are close enough you can even hear the language and see the facial expressions. This can reveal a lot about how people relate and especially married couples.
In one way or another we are all in the public arena. People are looking at us. People like me are watching people like you! How you shop, the way you dress, the reactions you give at the check out counter, etc. your character comes out.
This is especially true in our Christian lives. People are watching. How does one who professes to be a follower of Christ handle life? What does it mean that Jesus Christ is Lord of every aspect of my life? What does it look like?
Those of us who have made a public profession of Christ have made an exciting yet serious commitment. In essence we have invited the world to stare at us. I have always been intrigued and convicted by the Apostle Paul's statement in I Corinthians 11:1 when he says, "Be imitators of me (or followers) as I am of Christ." In other words he is telling others to look at his life and live as he lives.
Think of the implications if we all remembered this aspect of the call of the gospel. Not only in our individual lives but I would argue especially in our marriages. What does the gospel look like in a marriage? The world should be invited to look at every Christian marriage and see, not perfection, but the reality of a joyful struggle in living for Jesus.
WARNING: This is not about keeping up the image of "Christian" but about the reality of working out our own salvation daily for the glory of Christ.
You and I who are Christian and married should not be offended when we turn around and find someone has been staring at us. They have every right to and every need to see what true God-ordained love is to look like - they should see Jesus.
May God make us a people who are true to our calling in the world as well as the church.
"What are you looking at?!"
Monday, June 1, 2009
Take My Advice
Who do you go to for advice? What makes you seek out understanding of things?
Too often we wait until things are almost at a high stress level or crises before we see our need for help. Our culture and our nature are prone to wait until we run out of our own energy and wisdom before soliciting support.
The Bible's basic message from the Lord is , "Take My Advice."
The wise person is the one who is in the habit of seeking advice in order to grow in life not merely reacting to it. A young man recently approached me with the phrase, "I'd like to get your advice." He had been married less than a year and wanted to talk about the place of the church in their lives. He had ideas but he also had questions. His desire was to establish a pattern of spiritual growth early on in his marriage to build on a foundation that would be a source of strength through every season of their lives.
He's a wise husband.
It took me back to my first year of marriage as well. I remember clearly two pieces of advice that came directly from scripture. Neither passage dealt directly with marriage but as I look back I realize they had everything to do with marriage. The first came by way of my best man, my brother, who gave me a gift with a simple verse, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Jesus has a way of saying things that cuts to the heart of the matter. That advice has been a haunting and powerful reminder for us as to the ultimate purpose of our lives and our marriage.
The second piece of advice came from the book of Proverbs, 3:5,6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths." Bev and I committed ourselves to this passage when we were young and naive but it has proven to be some of the best advice we ever received. We have learned many hard lessons when we realized we were more concerned about our hearts desires and wisdom than the glory of God. In the same way we have seen how Jesus has grown us in our love for Him and each other.
The key for all of us is to get into the habit of seeking advice. Godly counsel is a wonderful desire for every believer and every marriage. To cultivate the attitude that says to the Lord and His Word, "I'd like to get your advice on...."
Don't take my word for it - take the Lord's advice.
Too often we wait until things are almost at a high stress level or crises before we see our need for help. Our culture and our nature are prone to wait until we run out of our own energy and wisdom before soliciting support.
The Bible's basic message from the Lord is , "Take My Advice."
The wise person is the one who is in the habit of seeking advice in order to grow in life not merely reacting to it. A young man recently approached me with the phrase, "I'd like to get your advice." He had been married less than a year and wanted to talk about the place of the church in their lives. He had ideas but he also had questions. His desire was to establish a pattern of spiritual growth early on in his marriage to build on a foundation that would be a source of strength through every season of their lives.
He's a wise husband.
It took me back to my first year of marriage as well. I remember clearly two pieces of advice that came directly from scripture. Neither passage dealt directly with marriage but as I look back I realize they had everything to do with marriage. The first came by way of my best man, my brother, who gave me a gift with a simple verse, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Jesus has a way of saying things that cuts to the heart of the matter. That advice has been a haunting and powerful reminder for us as to the ultimate purpose of our lives and our marriage.
The second piece of advice came from the book of Proverbs, 3:5,6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths." Bev and I committed ourselves to this passage when we were young and naive but it has proven to be some of the best advice we ever received. We have learned many hard lessons when we realized we were more concerned about our hearts desires and wisdom than the glory of God. In the same way we have seen how Jesus has grown us in our love for Him and each other.
The key for all of us is to get into the habit of seeking advice. Godly counsel is a wonderful desire for every believer and every marriage. To cultivate the attitude that says to the Lord and His Word, "I'd like to get your advice on...."
Don't take my word for it - take the Lord's advice.
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